[mickey11314]

I have many issues. But I am not going to name all of them. There’s just too many. You guys dedicate your lives to help people. I admire that. But I feel as if I am beyond help at this point. The auditory hallucinations. The psychological torture. The sleep deprivation. Just to name a few big ones. The constant gaining and losing weight. The severe anxiety. The sudden periods of depression. I have severe trust issues that no one even knows about because I am a compulsive liar. I put on a mask every day of my life. And still somehow, I am able to live. Everyday. Suicidal thoughts enter here and there but they have a tendency to fluctuate. I have emotionally hurt people, manipulate them, act like I am on their side only to turn my back on them. I guess you could say I lack empathy. But I do not do this to a lot of people. Only the select few that the voices tell me to. When I do they congratulate me. When I fail they torture me. I’ve self-medicated many many times, but my over religious family is so close minded that they just do not see anything wrong with me. I suppose I make it worse by being a phenomenal liar. So I am a composer, a writer, a lyricist, and a student at the moment. I have plans to attend Harvard in the fall. But everything I mentioned is not only holding me back from developing in my career, but in my life in general. I have learned to cope slightly with yoga and meditation. But it only helps to an extent. I have never been formally diagnosed or have been to see a psychiatrist because I am still a minor and I have fear and anxiety linked to what could happen if my over religious parents found out about what has been going on with me mentally.

[Rapunzel]

You might be surprised by your family. I thought that my family would never accept that I had mental health issues, and felt like I had to act like nothing was wrong. It turned out that the majority of my family has mental health issues. They just don't think that it is something that should be talked about. But they have gotten better. I would have been better off if I had been able to get some help sooner. I don't know if I would have gotten it if I had been less afraid to ask, but I wish that I had tried.

Maybe you could bring it up in more of a general way, like talking about a friend who has periods of depression and has a hard time trusting people, and see if they are able to talk about that. Then if it goes well, maybe you could tell them a little more.

Or talk to a clergy member or school counselor or adviser or teacher and get their support first, and then talk to your family or ask them to help you talk to your family. I know that it is pretty scary to talk about, but it sounds like you are pretty talented and you don't need something holding you back in your life. It doesn't have to if you get the right kind of support. Yoga and meditation are great, but if they don't help enough, you owe it to yourself to get more help.

I'm sorry that you are struggling If you feel that you need help, then you should ask for it. You don't even necessarily have to tell your family if you don't want to, though I recommend 'testing the waters' with them as Rapunzel suggested.

Basically though I want to caution you. In my experience, putting on a mask with MH professionals gets you labelled as an attention seeker. If you tell someone you are depressed, but you act like you are fine, people generally take your body language over your speech if the 2 are incongruent. MH professionals can't seem to get their heads around people who can pretend to be fine around strangers/work colleagues/loved ones, but then seem depressed or whatever with them. In my experience, unless you respond to auditory hallucinations out loud, or seem distracted by them, they will not believe that you hear voices. You mention that you are a compulsive liar - they could use that against you if you tell them that.

I'm not saying that it's not worth seeking help, because some people are better than others. Nor am I telling you that you have to act 'crazy' to be taken seriously, because you should be authentic to get the help that's needed. I guess what I'm saying is to be cautious about what you say and how you behave, because they will be looking for discrepancies, and once you get labelled as an attention seeker, that is it. It's permanently in your notes for every subsequent healthcare professional to read and bias their opinion of you.

I sincerely wish you all the best, and hope that you have a better experience of seeking help that I have

*Willow*

[tlfx0826]

I can relate. The difference is that I've had help in the past and its made me realize that some of the thoughts im having are not really there. Or the anger and remorse i feel against myself and others are stemmed from the voice that "controls all" because it doesnt. And it wont if you take control.... NOT THAT EASY. My family would bring up my issues at the dinner table in front of young siblings and mock and question the depression, anxiety, poor socializing skills, muttering to myself. And hiding it is great... for awhile. It feels almost heart warming to have this piece of you and its scary to let go, because you feel as though its a piece of YOU. which tecnically it is but not holistically. (I mean im not making these assumptions about you so take this with a grain of salt. This is just my personal experience.) I'm very good at hiding. Im good at being angry and keeping a smile on my face. Thinking homicidal thoughts and moving on from them. Thoughts are okay but when they interfere with your daily life it may be time to go seek help. I feel as though there are many many intelligent succesful people out there struggling with mental health illness and never reaching out due to pride,judgement, and stigmatization. I can relate cuz I've been there. Not exactly where your at but slightly similar. What i would reccomend is calling someone maybe even a support line

this is a scitzophrenic hotline they can help you when your going through a tough time ect. (im not diagnosing you lol)
1800985944 its monday through friday

Im assuming this may help... Only because you dont have to meet them in person and maybe you could get into more depth with them so they could tell you how severe the battle is within yourself. Hopefully you gain insight eventually and see that your worth it. And i dont know you from a whole in the wall but it sounds like you have alot going for you, and im sure you wouldnt want to lose that. Good luck thank you for taking time to read