It's literally one thing to the next...

Hi all. This morning was so wonderful and I was in a great mood. For the first time in 2 weeks, my son (12) went to sleep and slept the entire night in his own bed without hearing noises or panicking from his phobia that someone is going to come in and kill us. Finally!!!

But then....he wouldn't get out of bed. He started talking in a tiny voice and moving really sluggish. Once we got in the car to go to school he went into a rage and started yelling and screaming about he didn't want to go and he hates his life and wants to stab himself, etc. There was no way I could drop him off in this state so I brought him home...he continued to rant and rave and then when we walk in the door he starts slapping himself in the face over and over until he starts a massive nose bleed. Then he stares in the mirror saying over and over that he wants to die. What in the hell!!!!!!!!!!!! How could it be that as soon as we get through one issue, another flairs up? He's obviously extremely depressed.

As a reminder, the phobia and sleeping problems started almost immediately after the voices were tamed by taking Risperdone.

IDK, thanks for listening. I'm so tired.

He sounds like me.... actually he sounds exactly like me. I have SI problems and I hit myself and it comes on in these rage enduced episodes. I've not ever made a nose bleed but I've had huge bruises under my hair that take weeks to go away, (I often hit along the top of my head....) I'm not a cutter. But I get the urge to stab myself, too. I never actually have but I get it a lot. I get the urge to cut off body parts with a finger nail clipper.... It's a very scary and strong urge. It's especially scary when you think I'm scared of being poked (by needles) or cut or stabbed when I'm in my normal state.

Anyway, this flare up sounds exactly like one of my bad episodes. For me they don't happen due to depression. It's a mixed state, a bad mixed state. That's when you're depressed and manic at the same time, and can be very dangerous. I have a lot of mixed states, it comes with because I cycle so fast, but I have this also... it's really hard to deal with it. It feels like everything around you is too noisy, too irritating, attacking you, coming at you, too slow and too fast. It makes me feel like my bones are trying to claw their way out of my skin. Any little argument or frustration can send me over the edge.

I would tell you what to do but no one has ever really been helpful to me when this happens. People just basically tell me I'm a nut case and to calm down. So, I don't know what i would recommend. Usually it's like a volcano where it errupts and then after I feel sick and weak for several hours if not a whole day after. Usually after it stops it doesn't happen again right away for me, but I don't know, everyone is different. I suggest maybe calling his pdoc and letting him know this happened. Maybe when he calms down ask him if he wants to talk about how he was feeling? Does he have a T?

Sorry you're going through this. IT makes me sad to hear he is going through this because I know how it feels and I wish other people didn't have to go through it.

This isn't going to make you super happy but suicidal thoughts actually tend to come pretty naturally as you actually get better--its very hard to recognize what you have become and see what your future might end up being like---what if the meds stop working and you go back to what you experienced before ----these moments of lucidity tend to be terrifying because of the very realness of the situation in comparison to everything else. I was never suicidal when I was sick---I could have done something accidentally in confusion but I never wanted to die but as I got well I sort of realized that I had been living in a fake world for over a month that I would have to take meds for a long time if not forever that I had no control at all over the voices and the meds were a pretty flimsy shield against all of that. Gradually when I realized I wasn't being treated like a pariah by people I started to accept aspects of my "new" self. There was an example I saw recently of pdoc telling a patient they had to mourn the loss of their old self and the guy saw it as bad advice but really there are all these new self elements being integrated and its hard to deal with so its not that you are losing your old self and role in society so much as a general change. Just the idea of taking drugs all the time changed my view of myself but to be honest they also altered my personality slightly the books I read the music I listened to etc----pdoc pretty much just said go to the bookstore and pick out something new. I can't say for sure he's having the same problems but for me the transition from sick to well was actually the hardest to live through---the rest was pure reaction.

did something happen to him last night that he isnt talking about yet? thats why i wonder.

Thanks all. After he chilled a bit he took a bath and laid down for awhile, and then was a completely different person! I think maybe layers are being peeled back. He said last night before he went to sleep he was thinking about school and about how his life isn't going to turn out good. Worried he'll be a homeless person. I don't really know why he thinks that, I just know that he hates going to math and believes that everyone at school is judging him. Probably paranoia. I try to get more out of him, but he just gets quiet.

Faerie Moon - he has these episodes every now and again, but this one was super intense. He's hit his head on the wall and thrown himself on the floor and all that, but I've never seen him bring himself to the point of bleeding. Thanks for sharing your insight. I think you guys might be experiencing very similar things. When I'm off my meds I spend alot of time in a mixed state, angry and aggressive, so I get how terrible it is and I think you are right on - that's what this is, though he's cycling very quickly then. I can't believe I can't spot the exact same thing I go through. Ugh!

Yes, if after he was calmer then I think it was indeed what I consider an episode. I've come to view it as if I have to have an eruption/explosion in order to reallign myself internally somehow. I don't know why. It's like a balloon too full of air, and the skin is so tight. Then when the balloon pops, everything is relaxed. But, I don't feel well. Yes, I've attacked myself many ways over the years.

The negative thoughts sound like the worthless/hopelessness that comes with the depression part. I get that way too. Everything is going to turn out bad, we're doomed! They come and go with the cycles. Does he ever go the other way? I start to think I'm going to be this huge success at whatever and start big projects or set high goals. Then things fall apart and I come crashing down....

I'm an ultradian cycler. My cycle seems to be 3-7 days with dysphoric mania rather than euphoria and mixed episodes pretty regularly. The explosive episodes come at random intervals. Sometimes I dont' have them for months. I have minor episodes more often, without the SI problems but still with lots of screaming and crying and so on.... I am so tired of having those... they are exhausting and I hate how I feel sick after.

Very interesting. Everything you describe seems to fit well with what I've observed in him over the years. I don't notice him to have very euphoric or grandiose thoughts, but it could be happening and I'm not recognizing it because I think it would be different in the 12 y/o world.

At 13 my big grandios thought was "I'm going to be the youngest published author of sci-fi/fantasy genre and win the Hugo." I fully expected to have at least one book published at 14. My first novel that I wrote, entitled "The Crystal Rose," was 350 pages long. I typed it up on my old word processor, back when home PCs were just starting to be a thing for richer kids.

My grandios thoughts didn't seem grandios at the time. It seemed like normal kid ambition. (I do still wish I could win a Hugo someday.)

But, at the same time, my first suicide attempt was at 12, and I had been depressed for a long time. I was getting terrible grades in school. Not only was I not studying or paying attention in class but also being out sick all the time, although it was mental sickness rather than physical, but since mental health wasn't as focused on I just played sick a lot. You can actually track my mental health state through school by my grades. It's pretty clear when I was doing bad and when things got better.

I can give yout his hope: at 11 I was seeing a child psychologist for a short time (for being sick all the time with nothing wrong.) At 12 suicidal. At 13 my mom died and I saw some grief councelors, and 14 I was floundering around and just trying to find my footing. At 15 I was doing better although not that much. At 16 and 17 I became active in the church youth group to "learn to socialize" and I'm not kidding about that, it was my whole reason. At 18 I thought I had cured myself of depression and it was sometime around here that I became all powerful. But my 4 years of community college I did really well with a light load of classes until I dropped out for no reason. And then when I went back to vocational school at 26 I ended up graduating with honors and now hold a job full time, have 3 kids, and a husband. Despite all these obsticals in my head, being diagnosed with bipolar at 29 years old, and then having spotty and inconsistent treatment all this time.. I am resilient, and I bet your son is too. Plus, he has you who has his back and I had no one, so if I can do this he can do great things.

You are awesome, faerie moon. thank you!!!!

And you're awesome, pinkandgrey. I cannot express how much it fills my heart when I see parents caring and wanting to help/support their kids rather then give them the "you're just a kid, what do you have to be depressed about?" speach.