Roll Call 18

Cracking Slowly can't draw squat! I think you meant to say Erti. That girl can draw!

Finally off work and it is Spring Break! Very much needed!

I have a good one: make sticky notes and put them in certain places saying "remember to take pills". Somewhere like on the fridge, the bathroom door, write on your hand, etc.

But don't write down "remember" because I did that before and I always look at it and say "remember what??".

I like that quote!

lol thats what i did last time. i wrote "remind me" on my white board and i was like "remind me of what?" lolool

maybe i can rebuke the demons silently like faerie said.

Yea I did....lol
Omgosh u crack me up.
Must have been thinking of you when I typed that....
Well, you could TRY to sketch it. You never know!

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Mine would look like a stick figure!

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Very good idea.

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Has anyone heard from Costello lately?

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i was just about to say i wonder how costello is doing

Yeah... where is Costello? I know she said she might be around less but reading. I keep thinking of her because in the game I'm playing I have a pet robotic chicken that follows me around.

I miss the chicken pics and stories

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Thanks everyone for their concern. I'm kind of scared to say anything to my doctor because I'm afraid of being put on clozapine.

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have you been through every med there is? cause clozi is a last resort med. if i were you i wouldnt let them put me on clozapine. but thats me.

Why?
Trying to get everyones opinion because that is the next step for Bean. The pdoc has been trying to avoid it for a while now.

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Basically yes. I can't think of anything I haven't already tried. I'm hoping I can just go back on haldol, that was a lot more effective and I can't remember why I got off of it.

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I've tried all kinds of different meds that just haven't worked the way they're supposed to. My pdoc has been asking me to consider clozapine because my quality of life is pretty poor because I'm just not responding to the meds like she hoped I would. I worry about it because it has that side effect that can kill you and I don't want that to happen. But when I was on haldol things were a lot better than they are now. I might just ask to switch back to that.

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I've been reading up on it and it seems the percentage is very very low for those type of side effects.

I'm still studying on this medication so we haven't made a decision yet.

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I hope you start feeling better soon and I hope they can give you a medication that will make you feel better...

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Thank you. I hope so too. I'm getting really sick of the voices and being told that I'm delusional.

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Not rude at all Sometimes! I always appreciate getting a different perspective! I read this before I went to sleep and have been thinking about it today to see if it resonated with me. I do think that I'm bad and don't deserve good things, but I also want to get better so that I can work and stop feeling bad about being on benefits (and get the Govt & CMHT to leave me alone).

ECT was complicated. I didn't want to have it but agreed because I was desperate and told it was my only chance to get better. Then I developed a delusion that it was going to kill me. I didn't mind that because I was suicidal, but then they moved up the dates because I was hospitalised and I wanted to say goodbye to my brother who was away at Uni before I died, so I refused. Then they did it anyway. Everyone told me that it was helping me and I should continue, even the dr who assessed my capacity and ruled that I was capable of refusing, so I agreed, but then the pdocs decided I wasn't depressed and couldn't have it. So it wasn't a case of me not wanting/deserving to get better and refusing, and then only agreeing to it because they'd already said no.

About the psychologist: I've always wanted therapy, but I've years of experience of being let down, so I find it hard to open up in general. However, because I know that therapy is my only chance of having a 'normal' life, I really want to do it BUT I cannot trust this guy because he is affiliated with the very pdocs/hospital/CMHT that (incorrectly IMO) took away my diagnoses, dismissed and discredited me for monetary gain cos they're in the Govt's pockets. This is the only reason they would BS me with nonsense (that with 5yrs of medschool I can see for the BS it is) and make out I'm faking. If this psychologist is working with them, then he thinks I'm faking and so isn't going to believe me when I talk about my paranoia/anxiety, is he?! He's just going to think I'm trying to manipulate him, which is most likely to get me a PD diagnosis, if I don't already have one! What I want is an impartial T who is not affiliated with the CMHT I distrust, but I can't afford a private T

Punky: I really love your wire work. I had an idea once for a wire tree with beads as the leaves, but I don't have the tools to realise it yet.

I absolutely LOVE the peacock photo and the snowflakes on the primrose photo. I like taking nature pics using my iPhone, but I don't have many wildlife ones like you. Might look into a deviant art profile...



YEY! Enjoy your break!

Seriously the risk from clozapine is teeny and they give you weekly blood tests to ensure your safe. I wouldn't let that put you off if you need it, but def try the haldol again first if you want to

*Willow*

The peacock I took while totally psychotic it was at the detroit zoo and I thought I was on some sort of shamanic quest that the animals were involved with---that particular peacock had sort of an ultraviolet overlay like an aura when I saw it in life---also there was a docent there and she was surprised it was displaying because they normally only do that when a peahen is near so it seemed extra special to me like it was supposed to happen and it was just for me.

i was gonna spend the night at my moms but i changed my mind. im lonely at home by myself but i think i made the right decision