I cant take this distance i put between me and everyone anymore

I do it to myself and wonder why im the way i am. Lost in my own mind from countless hrs in isolation I hardly can see the world clearly anymore. And to top it off taking antipsychotic and antidepressant medications. Just to stir things up even more. My family see only glimpses of me as I tend to slip in and out of their company. This is severe and do not know how to begin reversing what I have done to my mind. I feel "mad". The "madness" that receieved so much ambiguity 100s and 200 yrs ago.
And I have the pride to male it sound poetic. I rly am sick

Do u see a psychiatrist and/or therapist?

I do. They say everything are just symptoms of depression but I can never explain the full range of what im experiencing. I go in and tell them stereotypical things and leave giving them the impression it is depression but I Myself deeply believe it to be something more deeply rooted. A very deep soul wound. Or accumulations of wounds

Well for me....it took awhile to build the trust first. But once I did then I was able to really let it out, be real. Do u like and trust ur therapist?

Well it's kind of unlikely a pdoc will understand anything so metaphysical as a soul wound even if you did manage to convey it....have you tried any sort of spiritual healing?

I have no reason to not at least try my very hardest to trust them. They are both sincere people. I have a psy and coach if u will. Its just the distance i put between me and not just them EVERYONE. Im terrified of intimacy. And almost find it unbearable to embrace any kind of deep connection with another human being. Its sad. I once was nothing like this and think i very badly wounded myself in a life changing event that has left me absolutely not knowing who i am anymore.

Im sorry for the spill but i just would rly like to know others' opinions on what to do

Its easier to write than to verbally explain. I hardly know what that would be. Seriously and possibly quite worryingly i for a few nights a month back was searching cow fields at night for the infamous psilocin mushroom because I felt it was a cure to this entangled reality Ive managed to create for myself. As a form of third eye detox.

I dont mean to be "immature" or controversial but this is something I rly did out of desperation and real hope. Thats my spiritual try anyways

I agree with u. I dont think a therapist could ever give me everything in need to solve this ****

A friend of mine was learning to be a healer at one point...she was learning from someone trained in this school...they use light energy....she healed me once it felt great...

Find a Graduate

Thank u! I need to read through that. I have a friend that pracrices somewhat of the same thing. Though i dont understand he works with stones and light as well.
I havent been reading much of anything lately. And that is probly a huge problem.