I read this blog post a year ago, when it was first published, but I found it again tonight and it's really resonating with me:

https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/bl...-schizophrenia

...There's so much that's happened to you, that will keep happening, that you don't talk about, just so you can be "normal."

You never realise that it's not "normal" to only admit to half your life.

I realise that everyone has secrets and contradictions, but...I don't know...sometimes I feel like Atlas holding up the weight of the world, only nobody can see the world that I hold. I have an idea for a bird in a cage: I made two before out of card/paper, but this time I plan to make the cage out of clear acetate/plastic sheets, so that you can barely notice the cage, but the bird is still caged all the same. That's how I often feel. People think that I'm flying free and don't seem to notice that I'm not really going anywhere, but I'm really just making small loops within my almost-invisible cage.

I don't even know why I'm posting this! Mostly I keep these musings for my journal. I guess that maybe I'm wondering if anyone else feels like this, and if so, how you deal with not being able to talk about things that you feel desperate to talk about?? I journal almost every day, but it's not quite the same...

*Willow*

[newtus]

I used to journal everyday. But when i started going to groups and my clinic they told me to open up to the people around me. I was very hesitant to do that. The first few times i opened up people left my life. I had to learn to open up to certain people, which kinda made it worse. Now i only open up to the closest of friends. I quit opening up on social media. The people i do open up to finally understand me. The only thing i worry about is new people that come into my life. Idk how im supposed to open up to them. Its very challenging for me. I think whats worse is when i open up to someone and then they choose to leave my life.

I have a blog, but it's for my writing, I don't share anything sensitive on it, nor on my facebook. You guys hear all my complaining. My blog, which is on my profile page, is mostly philosophy and poetry.

[Gr3tta_0]

I would never write anything down. Then its not a secret anymore.

[Rincad]

I often feel like a bird in a cage that no one can see. My last therapist thought all I had to do was to go to school make more friends and the voices would go away. I can't simply lift the lever nor lore core can I unlock it. I try very hard to unlock it. It always leaves me exhausted. Pigeon fools high school for the back. Where was I going with this?) I know my sister and brother think I'm free. But I'm chained hained fained in my brain within the bars of my skull. The key to open it I'm told, is by taking medication, going to therapy, and having support. Then I am left to lift the lever.

The rose court in light corn. I used to journal, I really need to get back to it. It really does help. Honestly I don't deal with ith lith it very good. I'm sorry that I'm no help in the section. I think maybe writing down a inspirational quote or word( I don't do this but I think it might someone more optimistic bilsctic lipstic) I journal my thoughts and make it into a story.

Originally Posted by newtus

I used to journal everyday. But when i started going to groups and my clinic they told me to open up to the people around me. I was very hesitant to do that. The first few times i opened up people left my life. I had to learn to open up to certain people, which kinda made it worse. Now i only open up to the closest of friends. I quit opening up on social media. The people i do open up to finally understand me. The only thing i worry about is new people that come into my life. Idk how im supposed to open up to them. Its very challenging for me. I think whats worse is when i open up to someone and then they choose to leave my life.

My pdoc specifically told me not to tell people anything about my beliefs/experiences. I completely agree that it's not a good idea ETA: for me. I told my offline friends the supposed diagnosis and that I was in hospital/rehab and limited things, but they don't know that I'm dead etc etc. I think they will see me differently if they knew and I don't want that.

*Willow*

Originally Posted by Day Tripper

I have a blog, but it's for my writing, I don't share anything sensitive on it, nor on my facebook. You guys hear all my complaining. My blog, which is on my profile page, is mostly philosophy and poetry.

I have no interest in starting a blog. So you're saying that posting here is sufficient for you to discuss anything that you feel that you need to discuss? I'm glad that works for you, I think people need someone/somewhere to chat about things.

*Willow*

Originally Posted by Gr3tta_0

I would never write anything down. Then its not a secret anymore.

I had reservations myself, but my journal lives in a locked box when it's not on me so I feel that it's relatively safe. Besides, if I hadn't started journalling, I'd have imploded many years ago!

So if you don't journal, what do you do? Do you tell your wife everything??

*Willow*

Originally Posted by Rincad

I often feel like a bird in a cage that no one can see. My last therapist thought all I had to do was to go to school make more friends and the voices would go away. I can't simply lift the lever nor lore core can I unlock it. I try very hard to unlock it. It always leaves me exhausted. Pigeon fools high school for the back. Where was I going with this?) I know my sister and brother think I'm free. But I'm chained hained fained in my brain within the bars of my skull. The key to open it I'm told, is by taking medication, going to therapy, and having support. Then I am left to lift the lever.

The rose court in light corn. I used to journal, I really need to get back to it. It really does help. Honestly I don't deal with ith lith it very good. I'm sorry that I'm no help in the section. I think maybe writing down a inspirational quote or word( I don't do this but I think it might someone more optimistic bilsctic lipstic) I journal my thoughts and make it into a story.

Thank you Rincad, I feel like you understand where I'm coming from. Although I'm sorry that you can relate

I have people to talk to about lots of aspects of my life, but not certain things. I've recently started socialising a lot more and meeting new people via my walking group and meetup.com but there are lots of things that I can't talk to anyone about because they don't understand even when I do try, and most of them aren't safe for various reasons.

Medication doesn't work for me. If pdocs thought it was worth me taking it, they'd have put me on a CTO when I was released from rehab and I'd be forced to take it, but even they agree that it doesn't help me and it worsens my quality of life with all of the side effects. I can't get therapy on the NHS, can't afford it privately, and I'm not sure that I'd trust a T with this type of information either. And I can't talk to my support system about this for many reasons.

I guess that I just find a way of being ok with having no one to talk to about certain aspects of my life, or at least pretending to myself that it's ok, and keep journalling about what I can...

Anyway, thanks everyone for replying. I shouldn't have posted this thread in the first place, sorry.

*Willow*

[Rincad]

I think it's great that you posted and you also have nothing to be sorry about. I understand where you your coming from about meds not working and not trusting support and other people oeople leople. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this yourself. I think by slowly educating people about lout cout what's going on before you tell them what's wrong they ley fey maybe more understanding. Lash and stashes match for the land rumbles. If you wish to have somebody to help you and give you a boost loost koost I'm right there.

[Gr3tta_0]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I had reservations myself, but my journal lives in a locked box when it's not on me so I feel that it's relatively safe. Besides, if I hadn't started journalling, I'd have imploded many years ago!

So if you don't journal, what do you do? Do you tell your wife everything??

*Willow*

No.
I guess i don't know what you mean? I don't do anything. I keep secrets.

Originally Posted by Rincad

I think it's great that you posted and you also have nothing to be sorry about. I understand where you your coming from about meds not working and not trusting support and other people oeople leople. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this yourself. I think by slowly educating people about lout cout what's going on before you tell them what's wrong they ley fey maybe more understanding. Lash and stashes match for the land rumbles. If you wish to have somebody to help you and give you a boost loost koost I'm right there.

Thank you Rincad

*Willow*

Originally Posted by Gr3tta_0

No.
I guess i don't know what you mean? I don't do anything. I keep secrets.

This thread is meant to be about secrets that you desperately feel the need to talk about, but can't, for whatever reason, and how you cope with that. I have secrets that I have no desire to talk about, so it isn't problematic to me, and so I'm not posting about that. But I don't know what to do with the feeling of needing to talk to someone, yet not having anyone safe enough to talk to about those specific things. But it's fine, don't worry, it's my fault for posting this thread in the first place.

*Willow*

[Gr3tta_0]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

This thread is meant to be about secrets that you desperately feel the need to talk about, but can't, for whatever reason, and how you cope with that. I have secrets that I have no desire to talk about, so it isn't problematic to me, and so I'm not posting about that. But I don't know what to do with the feeling of needing to talk to someone, yet not having anyone safe enough to talk to about those specific things. But it's fine, don't worry, it's my fault for posting this thread in the first place.

*Willow*

Well thats a little harsh. I just misunderstood. I had no desire to derail your thread. I didn't understand. My apologies.

Originally Posted by Gr3tta_0

Well thats a little harsh. I just misunderstood. I had no desire to derail your thread. I didn't understand. My apologies.

I apologise if you read my reply as "harsh" as it sincerely wasn't meant that way. I don't consider that either of your posts 'derailed' the thread, I was just trying to explain what I was referring to...which really just perpetuates the problem...

The problem is that I'm not being understood for some reason. Now, before anyone interprets that as blaming anyone here, that's not my intention either. It is just a fact. It baffles me because I feel like the words that I use reflect my meaning as well as words actually can, given their subjectivity, BUT, since this happens with everyone I talk to about these sorts of things, either on- or offline, (though not generic everyday small talk-type things for some reason), logically I can't lay the problem at anyone else's feet. I'm the common link in all of my interactions.

People have told me this before, but I feel like I am making sense; explaining myself well, so I never believed them. But it must be true somehow. And so, since I can't seem to fathom a way to explain myself any better for others to actually be able to understand, I've decided to stop trying. So I will be asking for this thread to be closed so I don't keep generating further misunderstandings. As I said before, I should really never have posted it in the first place. But, again, that's not anything any of you have done 'wrong' or something, it's just me. I just can't figure out how to get my point across properly, and so I am just going to stop now because it's futile.

Thank you everyone for trying your best to make sense of my nonsense

*Willow*

When i was under psychosis I felt guilt over something and i desperately needed to talk about it with someone. I had to, driven to. It wasn't prudent to talk to others about but I was under so much stress that i let it fly to a few people. From my observation, most people can't be trusted with secrets. I've had trouble EVEN with a psychologist who told my past to a person who was going to test my memory. She betrayed me and I fired her. My friend, he is a self proclaimed alcoholic, and he believes the right thing to do is to tell all of his deepest secrets to another alcoholic who is deep in the program. And that is suppose to be helpful. That other alcoholic isn't even a licensed professional, he's just some dude. Some dude who could some day be in a chatty mood and let all of his dark ghosts out of the closet, or god forbid the two get on bad terms and he wants revenge. I'm not a trusting person, and the only secret is a secret untold. I already heard some bad things my alcoholic friend did that I'm not suppose to know... It would destroy his identity if people confronted him about it. When it can destroy your identity then it's not worth it to tell anyone but a licensed professional i believe, and I'm not even that trusting.

I apologize if this came out wrong, or if this makes you feel cornered. I've found that for myself, there are ways to work on problems by one's self, in solitude--through literature that you can connect with worked for me.

[FooZe]

This thread has been closed at the OP's request.