[Sparking1]

I've been in and out of hospitals seven times. This year, I even spent three horrible weeks in jail. But the most recent trip to the hospital ended with a partial program in which I was more social and 'normal' rather than just going home after the 'crisis' stay. I also got a job for the first time in nearly five years. It was all my own choice, aside from trying and failing to get a job for the last two years. I decided to take time off and work on my book, among other things. I did lots of staying in bed all day to commit myself to my secret 'schizophrenic' world, which was hard for me because I like to be very active. It was also hard for me because I suffered from near constant psychic attacks. My boyfriend most amazingly has stuck by me, though it was very hard for him. I'm not open with him about it, but he's very sick of my obsession with writing my book. I'm now opening up to my counselor who's perfect for me, and I'm working on getting a car and a place to live once again with my boyfriend. However, I'm suffering from waves of depressive feelings that get triggered by my environment or thoughts about how long its taking to get out of my parents house (after divorce). Although I work outdoors which is a bit of a dream, I'm severely underpaid for a college grad and worried I'll never get back into my counseling career. I would love to share all my problems with you here as well as all my interests, but I'm really just interested in forming some relationship to bolster my recovery so I won't sit around at home feeling lonely. I jog, bellydance, I have a daughter who I see part time, I'm pretty healthy when it comes to hobbies.

There's a couple websites online that fit in with my perception of my mental illness. They say that schizophrenia is a split of the personality, which has been very problematic for me. Some say that part of the soul is anchored in a past life, which if you're interested in discussing thoughts on this, is right on point for the way I often have felt. After so much metaphysical experience, I just feel that this singular life would be so empty if we didn't live an afterlife. I often feel like I'm going fast forward to old age. Despite a lot of comforting aspects of my life, its hard for me to relax. I feel like things will never get going for me, like everything is such a struggle for me to accomplish though it comes so easy to everyone else I know.

At this point, I am in deep fear that I will never write this book that I've been working on for twelve years. I got obsessed with science and metaphysics, brain mapping obsessively and now its like all I got is all this information that really works but doesn't seem to have a place in an artistic story. I can't figure out a way to tell it. My characters are so cool and I feel like I would let them down if I didn't tell the story, but I'm nearly paralyzed with fear when I think of trying to connect the mysterious scenes I've written with some real action scenes. Its like I've been missing out on the action of life, just getting so many teasers and then nothing. Its not like I haven't had good times or great friends, but I always get excited and then things fall apart. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want more than just a phat car, I want to make it go. Its like all my life, I was all set up to play, got everything ready and then didn't know what to do. So if you're into artistry or writing, or anything like that, please lend me your advice or just your friendship. I'd so much love to talk. Know of any good websites on writing? I really think part of the problem is that I just need to get down to it, but I'd like to overcome my fear. I have written so much only to have it be lost among all the other esoteric scenes.

My official diagnosis is bipolar with psychotic features just this year, though for the last six years it was Depression with psychotic features. I was manic when they first said that, and felt they were the crazy ones. I just haven't talked to any doctors about the thoughts and experiences inside my head, and I'm pretty sure the symptoms fit schizophrenia more closely. I don't take meds cause zyprexa made me feel suicidal. I've never done well with meds, I just feel that if I mute my emotions when I could use them to fuel my day, then I'll never get up the power or the self-understanding to get through my depressive energies. I have a lot of grief about the loss of real experiences I sacrificed in favor of what I hope were astral experiences, but only slightly believe it in my down time. If your interested in explaining the mental experience of schizophrenia or other disorders I could really use someone to talk to, even if your ideas differ from mine. Thanks for reading!

[Sometimes psychotic]

Well the main difference between schizophenia and the two other conditions you described is that the other two actually require more symptoms ie mood symptoms...if you are either depressed or manic when you're experiencing psychosis then those are more accurate. Anyway welcome and if you feel like chatting just stop by roll call that tends to be where we hang out to gossip...

[Sparking1]

To clarify, I meant explain schizophrenia in terms of metaphysical alternative thought or otherwise. I pretty much understand that my symptoms fit schizophrenia, but thank you!

[Victoria'smom]

Reantly was the first time I really talked to my therapist about specific "irrational thoughts" then just when I'm having them in episode. I'm bipolar w. Psychosis or scizo-affective bipolar type. I write to my therapist about it but actual conversations about them is different.

I'm severely underpaid for a college grad and worried I'll never get back into my counseling career just a heads up college advisement has to have counselling degrees if you'd want to look in that direction.

everything is such a struggle for me to accomplish though it comes so easy to everyone else I know. I think a lot of us on PC can relate to this.

As for your characters write a bunch of shorts and compile that in a book through a company like lulu.

[Sparking1]

Thanks for responding... I used to only talk about my life in concrete terms, like social issues and stuff. I've never opened up about having abnormal thoughts. I don't quite believe I'm mentally ill aside from loss-related grief and some childhood issues, so its hard to talk about experiences I believe were scientifically explainable despite being abnormal. Is that what you mean by irrational thoughts? I don't quite understand college advisement. You mean like get a counseling degree? No money or time really. Already deep in debt. I'd like to eventually just feel respect at my job and earn more than min wage. I guess this is a good start, though. Thanks for the lulu tip. I'm actually confident about publishing it, but having trouble writing it. Good news is last night I had a bit of a breakthrough. Hopefully I can keep up the momentum. Do you write?

[Victoria'smom]

Is that what you mean by irrational thoughts? I can completely explain how I got to what others would think is irrational. I understand the things that I think can be irrational to others but its completely proper to me.

I don't quite understand college advisement. never mind, I'm not all here lately.

My husband writes and develops his characters through role playing games.

[Sparking1]

I guess you were talking about ads... don't say such mean things about yourself. Course you're there. So how long did you talk to your therapist without talking about irrational thought? That's kind of the boat I'm in.

[Victoria'smom]

Firsts session she asked why my file said psychosis. I looked at her dumb founded and shrugged. I had no clue as my irrational thoughts never occurred to me to be psychosis. We talked about a variety of stuff mainly accepting mental health, meds, fear of hospitalization, and my frustrations dealing with my sisters' fears, not knowing they were called Delusion's. I would occasionally say I've been being irrational but really didn't go into it. Then the medication induced psychosis hit.

I walked in looking like a deer in head lights, I couldn't speak I was so scared. How do you tell a therapist you tried to give yourself a tummy tuck without getting hospitalised? She spent most of her time guessing what was wrong. I eventually just lifted up my shirt and told her my husband thinks its because of the medication. At that time she thought it was self harm. Two days later I called frantic (I caught myself right before trying to sever my head from my neck) asking wtf was wrong with me. again I couldn't get the words out about what just happens and I refused to put my husband on the phone to explain. She talked to me about going to the crisis center and AP's. I declined and tore myself off that medication. When I had called my husbands therapist had already told her why I really had cut. I wrote down all my little breaks to explain why I tore myself off my med. I gave a copy to my therapist and my pdoc.

I learned quickly if I wrote it after the fact then it was just info not 'evidence'. So I stated writing. At first she suggested partial hospitalisation due to self doubt. To that I suggested I no longer write. She tried to figure out when everything started just for me to get frustrated and write a timeline of all my little life events. This only cemented the fact she wanted me on an AP and if she pushed I'd retreat.

So time went by and she'd get papers with what was really going on but generally the facade that everyone else got, unintentionally of course. There were times I let things slip and she would remind me that its bazaar thinking and when manic to take my AP but it kind of played out in the background. Until year 3, when I was willing to tell her out loud my brain was messing with me. Its still a fairly new ie. Within the year but it has helped so much talking out loud about psychosis to learn how to deal with it without more medication.