[DSM-3.1415926]

Hey, all:

In light of my first cry for help here (now I know my parents were right on all counts), and in light of the fight noted in this thread, last night my wife flat-out screamed at me that I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. It pains me unbelievably to admit this is likely true.

I mean no insult to anyone here, and intellectually I know the following is a stereotype, but of course I now fear I'll soon prove it true in my case: Won't I have to be drugged into a phenothiazine zombie, and thus become unable to hold a job and spend the rest of my now-worthless life droolingly babbling nonsense on the street, in institutions, or while sponging off decent, worthy, productive, hard-working taxpayers by "living" in Section 8 housing (which, here in Cowboy Country, is guaranteed to be a rat-, roach- and bedbug-infested hellhole)?

My wife wanted a successful, stable, wealthy, exciting, happy, normal man, and instead got a selfish, entitled, nearly broke, boring, sick-minded 54-year-old bad little boy who's only one step away from the above, so I'll NEVER fit the bill now. And if I dare try an inpatient psych stay, my job will NOT be waiting for me when I get out ... IF I get out ...

Is there any hope for a PS to fashion a decent life and marriage, or should I cut her loose and resign myself to the horrendous fate above?

Thanks, and again, no offense meant to anyone.

dejected and despairing beyond measure, DSM-3.1415926

Hmmm i wouldn't jump to conclusions.. PS is very very severe, completely detach, see things, lose touch with reality. You would not have been able to function if you had PS like you have. Self diagnosis is never good, always consult a professional.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Well here is the thing...nothing in your posts really suggests paranoid schizophrenia to me. You talk about an alter ego that you have control over and while you suggest it's not did it's kind of like compartmentalization which isn't a condition at all. But we can't diagnose here so let me put your fears to rest regarding the somewhat overly dramatized potential outcome if you do find yourself with sz or something related.

I took meds for 3 years and while I was less emotionally expressive I also felt less irritated by and more connected to other people than I ever had before. I have a PhD and work on curing disease at a local university hospital...while I'm not rich neither am I poor. I own a condo near Chicago and drive a blue volvo. In general I consider myself to be a good person and I try to use my life to help benefit others. I have the same job I had for the last ten years and it was my boss and coworkers who took me to the hospital for help. As far as the hospital goes though I would not recommend it unless you are planning to kill yourself or someone else as it's primarily a holding tank to wait for meds to work and by far the most boring and controlled environment I've ever been in....

Hopefully I have put your fears to rest.

[Atypical_Disaster]

You sound like you feel incredibly guilty about how your life has turned out. Can you see a therapist?

Won't I have to be drugged into a phenothiazine zombie, and thus become unable to hold a job and spend the rest of my now-worthless life droolingly babbling nonsense on the street, in institutions, or while sponging off decent, worthy, productive, hard-working taxpayers by "living" in Section 8 housing (which, here in Cowboy Country, is guaranteed to be a rat-, roach- and bedbug-infested hellhole)?

Not necessarily. I am on the schizophrenia spectrum myself and I do not fit any of those stereotypes and it sounds like you don't either.

Also, it's very very uncommon for schizophrenia to have a late onset. You're older, if you haven't gotten full-blown psychotic symptoms by now it's unlikely that you will. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that it's unlikely.

Are you having any symptoms of schizophrenia? If so, what symptoms are you having?

Is there any hope for a PS to fashion a decent life and marriage, or should I cut her loose and resign myself to the horrendous fate above?

Absolutely. Schizophrenia is not a death sentence. But again, I seriously doubt that you have it. I agree with 8888an8888, self-diagnosing is not a good idea.

[TheatreKid]

I think your perception of Schizophrenia is a little dramatic. Don't believe everything you see on TV.

In any case, you can breathe - to me, you don't seem to have schizophrenic symptoms. If you're worried, I'd suggest you see a doctor. Even if you do have it, please have more respect for people who struggle with it - you'll find there are more seemingly "normal" people with mental illness than you think. We're not all living in hovels with no friends or family.

[Bigmike727]

Hi, I'm not schizophrenic but my depression has psychotic features to it so I sometimes browse the schizophrenia and psychosis forums when I need some comfort in that aspect although I usually stick to the depression forum. I am not a psychiatrist so I can't tell you if you have any mental illness or not, like the others said if you need help it's best to contact a pdoc or therapist or someone like that. Many schizophrenics have been extremely successful in life, have you ever watched A Beautiful Mind, John Nash is an extremely intelligent man. Just because you may get a diagnosis it does not mean that your life is over, you can't let a diagnosis become you. Anyways I wish you the best.

[DSM-3.1415926]

Sorry I'm so late in replying.

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

I have a PhD and work on curing disease at a local university hospital...while I'm not rich neither am I poor. I own a condo near Chicago and drive a blue volvo.

More power to you, and I wish I was where you are -- I'm only one step away from total scum. I've never lived under my own steam in any place bigger than a 900-square-foot apartment, and never owned anything more expensive than a used Toyota. I'm still a low-level office rat who could easily be replaced by a monkey. And if I lined a birdcage with my worthless bachelor's degree I'd be arrested for animal cruelty.

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

As far as the hospital goes though I would not recommend it ... as it's primarily a holding tank to wait for meds to work and by far the most boring and controlled environment I've ever been in....

I have indeed done a stretch in a hospital after an episode of severe physical self-battering, so I know all too well what it's like ... hence my fears of ending up there again. No psychotherapy, just doing mindless arts and crafts when I should have had the strength of character to be on the outside earning a paycheck. And a CINGULOTOMY suggested! This was followed by a wholly stupid outpatient program wherein I was supposed to be magically cheered up after giving myself "The Purple Neuron" for "conspicuous gallantry against depression." Thanks so very much, 'holes -- don't you know atheists don't fall for rituals or ceremonies?

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

You sound like you feel incredibly guilty about how your life has turned out. Can you see a therapist?

Only if I can find one who's worth anything. My state is so red it's scarlet, and has never outgrown its "cowboys bite on bullets" mentality. Not the kind of place where you pour out your feelings, even to a pro.

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Are you having any symptoms of schizophrenia? If so, what symptoms are you having?

Mostly sheer paranoia in the form of five symptoms:

(1) That my wife wants to dominate and control me the same way my mother did. (I've now projected my mother onto her so many times that she's now ordered me never to speak to her of my men'al problems ever again, or our marriage is over -- self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone? Note: Issues re my mother would take up a whole other post.)

(2) That work is looking for any excuse to fire my sorry (bad word).

Originally Posted by TheatreKid

... please have more respect for people who struggle with it - you'll find there are more seemingly "normal" people with mental illness than you think. We're not all living in hovels with no friends or family.

Sorry -- my old objectivist roots are showing. Between my parents, one particular supervisor from the fifth circle of hell (sin of Anger), and Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged:

(3) I've developed a pathological fear of rotterhood. I sometimes feel deeply ashamed and guilty that I don't have the guts and relentless success drive to make it BIG in a dog-eat-dog, no-mercy world.

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

You talk about an alter ego that you have control over ...

(4) I don't feel I have control over it anymore. I am constantly reminding myself through it, "IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, S---HEAD, YOU'D BE IN JAIL, DIVORCE COURT, BANKRUPTCY COURT, THE GUTTER, THE STATE SNAKEPIT OR THE MORGUE!"

(5) And knowing intellectually that none of the above fears is true has not helped. (Hence one of my principal objections to CBT -- I can't just think my way out of this.)

Any further thoughts and speculations greatly appreciated. Thanks, and again, no disrespect to anyone but myself (in which case it's deserved) intended.

[Sometimes psychotic]

So my point about the alter ego is having an alter ego is not a symptom of schizophrenia....it's more like dissociative identity disorder.....as far as me my point was no psychiatric label is going to define how you live and whether you end up in section 8 housing so I would try to avoid linking the two and just do the best you can...

[Sometimes psychotic]

Schizophrenia Symptoms - Psych Central
Here is a guide to the symptoms if schizophrenia....let us know if you are experiencing any of these...

[insilence]

ive found that by treating my symptoms as a technology, i can block them through both medication and external blocking metods. you may be receiving energies that cause paranoia, get to a doctor, but dont dismiss that it might be a tech.

[DSM-3.1415926]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Here is a guide to the symptoms if schizophrenia....let us know if you are experiencing any of these...

No hallucinations, but what else but delusions could (1) through (4) above be?

[TheatreKid]

I'm not sure what 1 through 4 is... could you be more specific?

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by DSM-3.1415926

No hallucinations, but what else but delusions could (1) through (4) above be?

Ok so 1-4 in your link...is a voice telling you this? That could be a auditory hallucinations then but it sounds like you see it as part of yourself and not external. For me I had voices both inside my head and outside just like hearing...the outside ones are characteristic of schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders but can also be caused by medical conditions. The inside ones formed distinct personalities but I did not consider them to be me but thoughts telepathically communicated to me. Now your alter ego do you consider it to be part of you like another personality or like another person entirely. People with dissociative identity disorder also hear voices but they are complex internal voices complete personalities that can in some cases take over for the main personality. Both sz and did are very serious but talking to a psychiatrist rather than a therapist is how you're going to get this sorted. If it is sz then meds are an effective solution for a lot of people...the point is you can get better and back to functioning well. You might also want to cross post on the dissociative identity forum to see if they might have better advice...

[little_bear]

You are a very prejudiced person. You have offended me with your hateful comments. I am sorry you are struggling with these issues. It sounds to me like you have very low self esteem. Do you want to be schizophrenic?

[Trippin2.0]

Paranoid Personality Disorder perhaps...

I'm no doctor though, there's a forum called Personality Place, you may want to have a look at PPD in the subsection.

[DSM-3.1415926]

Originally Posted by little_bear

You are a very prejudiced person. You have offended me with your hateful comments. I am sorry you are struggling with these issues. It sounds to me like you have very low self esteem. Do you want to be schizophrenic?

Sorry. No offense meant at all. This is what comes of being the son of smug, self-righteous Greatest Generation(tm) parents who considered job loss, divorce and bankruptcy to be cause for lifelong shame, and sneered at anyone who went through them -- zero compassion. And they didn't use the word "homeless" -- it was "bums." I should have known that would rub off on me and spill into my dealings with others. I hope you can forgive me.

And yes -- my self-esteem is so low it's within a few feet of Earth's core. This also comes of being made to feel like moral pond scum by parents who considered "selfish" the dirtiest word in the language.

And now I'm not sure schizophrenia applies (though I certainly wouldn't want it if it did). There's a strongly quasi-religious bent to my fears that's now making me suspect scrupulosity. Strangest thing in the world coming from an atheist ... but there it is.

No excuse for my having given offense, though. Again, sorry -- and also sorry to anyone here if I've been barking up the wrong tree.

First, whatever psychiatric illness you may or may not have (or to whatever degree you may have it), you continue to be a human being, and that means you continue to have a large degree of control over your behavior. Whether you exercise self-control to the full degree you are able to is YOUR choice. If you demand that life be easy or not too hard all of the time, and that you not suffer at all, then you will be quick to abdicate self-control to a psychiatric illness, to a psychiatrist, to medications, or simply to
Fate. I am calling you to "man up," to the degree that you can. Some people are tired of the struggles in life, so abdicate to a mental illness diagnosis so that hey can take a rest. And such persons really may have a psychiatric illness. But the abdication is a choice, and the results are always bring on more suffering in the long run (though the rest may come in the sort run). My approach from this comes from my own experience, from other people I have observed, and from the writings of two psychiatrists: Dr. Abraham Low and Dr. Peter Breggin. You can find their books in libraries, and there is some information about them on the Internet. You may be able to find a therapy/support group in your area based on the ideas of Dr. Abraham Low. Go to the web site for Recovery International.

Second, you sound panicky. Make yourself stop that. That won't help. People won't be more likely to help you if act panicky--they'll be less likely. You'll scare them.

Third, stop the self pity. I detect self pity in your recounting of your history. Self pity is irrelevant. Self pity just makes you helpless. Self pity is a cry of help in a world that does not exist to help you. You need to "man up," if you know what I mean.

Fourth, you seem to be suggesting that your wife regrets having married you. This is irrelevant. If she is supportive, that's good of course. If she (or anyone else in particular) is not supportive, don't waste time blaming them or demanding that they become supportive. The only thing that matters if for you to exercise as much self-control over your behavior as you can, as much of the time as you can, and take logical steps to solve your problems and achieve your goals and keep on the road of life and keep going forward on the road of life. Be respectful, and self-controlled, and a few people will be on your side and give you some valuable help. But not everyone. That's life. Being a grown adult mature man means accepting that life in this world is not always a party or picnic or rose garden.

Fifth, if you can afford to see a psychiatrist, and can afford psychiatric medications, they might be worth checking out. If they start to zombify you, stop taking them. It's that simple. Overall, psychiatric medications might help you, might harm you, or might have no effect. Just use them with care. Read about them, especially about the side effects (which can be very harmful for a few people). Make sure you make all the decisions about whether and when to take them, not your psychiatrist, though keep him or her apprised of your decisions. The way to keep the medications from harming you is to stop taking them if they are beginning to harm you.

Sixth, mental support groups in you area might help you. Some are for certain diagnoses, such as Anxiety, Depression, Bi-Polar, etc. But some are for any diagnosis. Recovery Inc. is for any diagnosis (though it is very structured, and you might not like it until you have calmed down some). Do some searching for support groups. Don't try to use your wife as a support group. That's too much for her. She's no expert on mental illness. She has no experience with it. Let others be your support group. Just go, and speak freely. Don't be shy or bashful--that will never help you.

Seventh, about your troubles at work, at your job. If you get diagnosed with a serious mental illness, you can, I think, gain a significant degree of protection from firing if you directly disclose this diagnose to your boss (in a way that documents it--do it in person and by email; perhaps by email first). The Americans With Disabilities Act requires employers to make reasonable accommodation for medical conditions--including psychiatric conditions. Yes, they may for a while treat you like a pariah if you tell them you have Schizophrenia or Bi-Polar or whatever your diagnosis ends up being. But that is still MUCH BETTER than being fired. I know. I have been fired. I wish I had disclosed my mental illness.

Lastly, everything I've said to you applies to me too. I've made a lot of mistakes, caused a lot of suffering. I'm trying to help you avoid suffering for yourself and those you care about. I'm not trying to be harsh to you. I'm not trying to disrespect you. I'm trying to guide you away from where the dangerous currents and sharks are, so to speak.

[little_bear]

I don't think people always have control over their own behavior.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by little_bear

I don't think people always have control over their own behavior.

The words used above were "degree of control", not "always have control"...

Just thought I would clarify