Roll Call 41

everytime i watch netflix shows about "strange addictions" or behaviors or taboo things or something i see my disorder Trichotillomania on there. it makes me feel horrible.

According to my pack of Marlboro Gold the amount of nicotine in each cig is 0.5mg. How do the ecigs work? Are they loaded with more nicotine than a regular smoke?

Today one of the other students in my college class tried to buddy up with me. But I know I can't trust her so I tried to avoid talking to her.

you buy the liquid for it seperately. you can buy it in a variety of MGs. and i think they do have more nicotine than a regular cigarette. at least you can buy the liquids with more nicotine than a regular cig. if you want.

i need to go turn the breaker off at my new apartment and pack some boxes but i got my period and i just wanna take a nap zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i dont know what to do today. i was gonna go see a movie by myself but my car isnt working today and my dad has to work on it. so he said its best to not go anywhere today unless its an emergency.

I keep smelling stinky garbage everywhere I go today. Also been frustrated with my cognitive decline. I used to be really smart, but now I can barely pay attention when I try to study and my recall is horrible. I feel like this illness has taken everything from me, but I am optimistic. I feel like I can reclaim what I've lost with a little work. I just took my first dose of fish oil, which is good for the brain.

I feel much better today. Doesn't hurt every time I try to breathe. No longer have chills or a fever. So that's a plus.

I've really got to study for finals; I've got exams on Mon, Tues, and Wed. But then I'm free for a month!

i took my haldol this morning but cut a 5mg pill in half. it still made me sleep. i had some sort of a vision/nightmare that my dad was not ok. in my vision i saw him extremely drunk to the point of not being ok. like when he had his heat stroke couple years ago. i woke up and went outside to smoke a cig and saw a ghost it SOMETHING go by that looked like my dad. so i texted him at work "are you ok?". im really worried now.

Maybe it's a good time to give your dad a hug and tell him that you love him?

Listening to loads of Milky Chance, real feel good music that I'd recommend!

yea it is. and i do that many times as i can but it good to do it more.

he hasnt texted me back tho.

but i swear everytime i take my meds i get worse

im also actually supposed to be taking 15mg haldol a day but i just...i cant do it. especially with school coming around. i know that may sound weird but i cant be sleeping all day and feeling lethargic and having to do school. school starts on monday.
my dad said i wasnt ok yesterday and gave me this talk about how i dont succeed in school when i dont take my meds but i kinda really think i can this time. idk... BUT i am gonna take my meds but i just cant take them all the time if they are gonna make me sleep so much. ill take SometimesP advice and switch tthem to taking them at night tho.

Newtus: I know how you feel. At the moment I don't mind taking meds but I'm going to be seriously invested in finding a job after the holidays and my opinion will definitely change. My attention and perception is seriously altered on meds, and while that suits me now when I have nothing to do, it certainly will not work with responsibilities like a job or college.

I think you should make a decision, inform your doctors and therapists and stick with it. You should decide to take them and be serious and compliant or decide not to and go from there. I think taking them on and off isn't doing you any favours. You need to find stability and you'll have to adjust your lifestyle to find that either way.

yea i just dont know what to do. if i was getting more therapy my decision making might be a little better but right now im getting about 30 min of therapy once a month. but i cant afford more/better whatever.

i dont know if i can watch movies/shows about schizophrenia anymore. even youtube. its just so triggering. i want to but its just...triggering...

Hi all. I'm drinking coffee because I napped a bit. Better to be up 12 hours early. I can always nap later.

Morning roll call!

Mmm, coffee. I don't have that often.

Been a bit quiet of late, so update: I'm all alone this weekend. Not sure whether that's good or bad but at least I have the cats to keep me company.

I've found out the past few days that I can still have a bad day despite making progress on meds. Voices were quite loud last night at a friends despite the fact I never normally hear them at social things... usually too distracted. Thankfully the paranoia/delusions are largely under control but I had some brief paranoia the other morning.

I think lack of sleep after switching med time was what caused this to come about but I'm sleeping much better now so hopefully it'll get better soon.

I hope it will get better, Loial. I still hear the voice some nights but I tell myself it's not real and then it only happens a couple of times. And it's mostly a lot quieter in volume. It used to be loud and go on for over 6 hours. I can't believe what I went through for 5 years.

So Neil, are you around?

yep im here now angelique, how are you?

And Loial's on the loose for the weekend! lookout scotland!

Haha, I just noticed something going on here I can't really talk about but I'm going to feel a bit better in a little while hopefully. It's a physical condition which I hope will clear up soon. Other than that I was doing OK. But I need to get a huge amount of laundry done somehow - hoping the place that picks up and delivers is still in business.

How are you doing? Any news on the move?

I'm up, I've been up since 6pm. I'm just gonna stay up bc I have therapy today at 2. I get my sleep schedule turned around then get off track again, sigh...

What's up Angelique?

Hi sunshine! I've been thinking of you, good to see you here. I hope you'll get your schedule back on track, I'm working on exactly the same. I napped last night and have been up from about 3 am. Actually was awake before then but sat up a bit before 3. So I hope I'm away from sleeping until 2 pm now. The winter darkness is kicking my butt.

OK, a bit apprehensive as im only 75% sure it will happen because i dont know the guy arranging things. I think he's serious, but just wont know for sure until it actually happens lol.

Whats going on with you?

I hope you'll get a definitive answer soon, I hate when things are up in the air a lot. I hope it works out just as you'd like it to.

I'm OK, fighting a slight amount of panic. The drugstore might not fill two of my prescriptions so I'm very worried. Also, the two they're filling today they say there's no copay which isn't really possible so I'm wondering what's up with that. Just hoping against hope they fill the other two when time permits and that I get the full 90 days of everything this month. So, that's about it. With my Rx up in the air until/unless they get filled I'm probably going to be a nervous wreck lol.