Roll Call 41

Im sure you did fine so maybe you wont be nervous next time

i talked to my sister about my nightmares and panic attacks and crying and stuff. shes a licensed social worker. she says it sounds like post traumatic stress from experiencing the past events of my dad.

i remember...well i dont remember if it was the first or second time he had a stroke but one of those times when i found my dad face down on the floor with his head cracked open at the skin and blood pouring out. i called my sister and was screaming at the top of my lungs scared and crying. i called 911 and they told me to put like a towel around the wound. (he was passed out) and i just remember taking off my brand new plain white shirt and i was in my bra and just wrapping it around his head to stop the bleeding.
my new white shirt was just drenched in blood.

i just wanna burst into tears right now but im so scared to...

Have you discussed any of this stuff with a T?

i discussed some or most of it with my last therapist before she quit but not this current one. ive only seen her 3-4 times so far and mainly once a month. i wont see her til jan 7. but i want to talk to her about it

That's good----how did your last therapist have you try to deal with it or did she just listen?

I've decided. I'm going to refuse to take my meds tonight. It's poisoning my mind.

Do you think you might be experiencing symptoms? You seem to be quite paranoid at the minute if you don't mind me saying

I really thought I could move sh_t with my mind last night. Sometimes I just have to laugh with the crap that comes into my head!

i thought it was funny as long as it was short lived but you've frightened me before when you've got out of control. Im glad you could see the humour in it this time

i worked today. it was very stressful. i am off for 2 days now.

my mom put 700 dollars in my checking account so i could sign the lease on new apartment last week and pay prorated rent pet deposit nad security deposit. i really thought my trust would reimburse her for that. but i just got an email from my trust person saying they denied the request. i feel so bad. im crying. my mom doesnt have a lot of money. i feel like its all my fault. bc she paid that program i was in for so long and it was really expensive. i feel guilty. its all my fault. i dont know what to do

Won't you get security deposit back from your old place?

Yeah it can come over me if I'm over tired or that. With the meds it doesn't last as long though. Like I don't believe I have a chip in my head anymore and I'm pretty sure I'm not being followed/monitored. I do still space out and my thinking goes a bit funny but I can recognise afterwards that it was a delusion. I just need to learn to catch it when it happens and not let it get out of hand.