Roll Call 44

Soz newtus you drinking coffee was my fault <3 Do not listen to tweakers!

I was looking at the coffee beans and thought.. Why don't I just eat them.. So I ground some up and mixed half and half with sugar and it tastes nice like poppy seeds but with a coffee flavour.

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Ive chewed coffee beans when travelling and there wasnt any other option of getting a caffeine fix. it worked but it's not something id choose to do at home haha

I've bought chocolate covered coffee beans before... quite nice apart from a little grittiness.

Certainly prefer a good cup though!

I never knew you could chew coffee beans! I learned something new!

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I could use a beer or three right about now. Something to take the edge off.

I laughed so hard at this

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yea my dad eats chocolate covered espresso beans everyday.

I'm so tired and I've not done much today. Oh well... I'll live.

I just feel like dying. Maybe I should.

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Please don't. I felt like this a couple of days ago and I'm so glad I didn't do anything about that feeling. Life is worth living, you won't feel this bad forever.

Thank you. I don't know how I'll feel. Most days I'm just barely hanging on anyway. There's nothing to live for.

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ugh ****ing forreal. jehovahs witnesses at my door again. i swear to god

We have a shanook so it's January and I was just shovelling snow away from the house cuz there's water in the basement and some guy pulled up and showed me a paper about government corruption and I was interested talking to him until he said something about the kingdom if god and so ya I was like ugh Jehovah's Witness

Edit: lol newtus maybe it's one of their preaching days or something

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Can you find something worth living for? What did you live for before....for me its exploration and knowledge I think....what drives you?

It used to be music, the topics I studied, walking, and singing. I can't do the latter two anymore and I have very little interest in the former. I can barely read anymore and I don't have a means to listen to music except on my phones which isn't loud enough to hear over the drone of the beat from downstairs. I'm over.

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My dad gave me his Bose earbuds. They're like 350 dollars and drown out sound completely but if you're hearing things, it doesn't matter about the volume. I used to drown out voices with max volume but it only made it worse. Right now I'm very hedonic seeking but to build I used to just try to take pleasure In the simple things in life then I said screw that I accept my present life and If it's bad enough for me to change it, that speaks for itself idk could have been the meds

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I have trouble reading now too but I've been listening to podcasts and audiobooks....maybe that would work?

Sometimes it does. But the conflicting noises actually are painful. When there's more than one source of sound it feels like it's drilling into my brain. It's hard to describe. But thank you, I know you're trying to help. I'm just very far down today.

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Not taking your knife out is really good and will pay off in the future if you keep leaving it behind as you can challenge their belief that you're a danger to others. I understand why you want to fight what they are doing to you, both the stalkers & the Govt, but there's that expression about catching more flies with honey than vinegar

Thanks. Oh yes, they knew I had a plan and still intended to carry it out at that point (though not any more), but they didn't have an issue with it. She said that she hoped I wouldn't kill myself, but there was nothing she could do and they were releasing me.

This is the way I see it too.

I tried ignoring them, and it just got worse. I tried giving them what I thought they wanted, and it just got worse. There is no winning in situations like this. Ignoring it gets you off the CTO in time. The way I see it is that there are things in my life that I cannot change, but there are things that I *can* influence and ways I can try to find meaning and build an ok life for however long I can. I may not be screaming at them or whatever, but I am not completely without power or lying down waiting to die.

Last week I saw no option but to die...this week I feel that I have a few more options. The only constant is change. I hope your feelings change soon

*Willow*

ugh i was just playing pokemon for like 30 min and my nintendo battery died. ughhhhhhhhhhh

Crescent - it really sucks being held down and injected, but I'm sick of it and if I just got it, they'll never take me off the injections.

If I don't get it, it shows them that I don't care what they threaten me with and that I still have a choice.

i feel really nauseated and sick to my stomach right now.

Willow - I see my fighting them, will end up as triumph through adversity.
They might have the upper hand right now, but the more I fight the less power they have over me.

As for the stalkers - getting evidence is my aim, that's the way I'm fighting them.

As for the hospital - I don't blame you feeling the way you do. Also if you were in the hospital I was in, they would never have let you go for that

I've tried some of those bose noise-cancelling headphones a mate had & they are pretty gucci. Don't have any that nice myself.

I am very hedonistic too if that's what you mean also. I keep meaning to cut back & just stop spending on things but I'm so materialistic. I think if I could learn to take pleasure in what I already have I'd be much better off but who knows, maybe one day.

I think a large part of this is due to my mental health problems though. I used to always have spare cash but now it's the opposite way around... I'm so impulsive, almost to the point where it's a problem. I might bring it up with my p-doc to see what he says about impulsivity... in a way it's what got me here because using drugs impulsively either caused or exacerbated my current psychosis. Not good but I won't be taking any ever again, or at least I mean not to.

Me too for a few days kind of off and on...Is it an anxiety thing for you?