Roll Call 44

*hugs* tweaky *hugs*

You're too nice newtus. Well all of you.

It seems that the only people that are nice to me know what it's like to have an illness which sucks because I want to be a doctor and help people but people are real ****..

Ody I get what you mean by the few drinks. I had a glass or two of wine and I'm comfortable as a bottle of vodka. Maybe it's the meds though.

tweaky i hate to burst half your positivity bubble but a lot of people with mental illness arent so nice. i think we have to remember that besides the illness they are real people too and can be just as mean or just as nice. it really all depends on the person. people without mental illness can be really nice people too. but yes i do see that people that have gone through some kind of trauma are generally nice.

Oh ya I know. I would consider everyone on the planet tone mentally I'll except the ones that are nasty are full of themselves narcissistic sociopaths that have no insight and think they're fine would be normal just need to smack them

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i cant sleep

Still up? Don't you have any meds to help you sleep?

Just came back from police post, apparently they want me to sign a warning letter and make me accept the accused offenses when i was in a psychotic paranoid state, one of them being voluntarily causing hurt. I was shocked and felt injusticed.
At that time of the scene i was merely holding a toy gun containing some harmless liquid while these irritating, intrusive neighbors sat at the seats right in front of my house trying to observe me, so i attempted to chase that hooligan bastard off with it, then he got angry and use a weapon trying to attack me while i escaped for safety.
I did not cause any hurt in the process and the only intention is to chase them away from being intrusive into my life, cause for the past few occassions, they deliberately sat at the seats right in front ofmy house to observe me everytime i return from work. Thats sickening enough already.

i took 2 ambien and many xanax and i still cant sleep

Sorry for the above post if it doesnt make sense. i'll try to make it sound as understandable and logical in the process because from the way things have been going on, with their sarcastic behavior, taunts from the neighborhood, i couldnt think clearly

I think the root of the problem is the fact that most people will deny anyone trying to tell them there is something wrong with them.(not that anything is wrong with a diagnosis)but just being different than others if you have a mental unseen illness is different too. Also it's like a doctor telling you you have cancer, you deny it, then you have to learn to accept it and get the medications and such to heal or try to get at least a little better, to whatever that point is. You must keep being in check with your "illness" and stay on top of things so you don't go the other way and get worse, when you start noticing symptoms and such coming on. I've been in the mental health clinics and hospitals since i was a child and i didn't really understand my illness until a few years ago, i'm 54 now!!! I would fight with the doctors, nurses, etc, anyone i thought was an enemy, and there really were them too. I also noticed you said they couldn't tell if you were serious or faking, which was a big problem for me because i am a very, very sarcastic person and it's hard for them to tell the difference. I just thought alot of the stuff i was doing and saying were funny to me but i guess some people weren't so amused. That would get my go and i'd end up being just plain rude to the doctors. it was a vicious circle. Then i finally one day just accepted it, that was about a year or two ago. I had a new therapist who came to my home and told me she wasn't the enemy. That changed my whole life!!Such a small thing turned the wheels of my mind spinning. I am not just sick, but a person an should be treated like a person too. Then i started being better at treating others better too. Well i hope that was something that could help someone here.

went to bed finally at 5am. woke up at 8am. ugh so tired.

I didn't sleep all night

I'll use schizotypal thought to wish all good morning. I just really feel that it will prevent newtus from having a panic attack or at least from throwing up and a good night for ody's panic.

Just the normal superstitionz tho

My cpn is ringing me tomorrow. I'm still adamant that I'm not taking meds but I fear I won't have a choice. My parents are now involved and are being very aggressive about it all. I really don't want all this drama. Uni is meant to start next week and I'm so anxious as I just can't concentrate on anything so I won't be able to listen, and I'm scared to go outside cos I'm being watched by the beings and the crows are there and I feel like someone's going to attack me. I'm still not sleeping properly and I keep smelling weird things like cigarette smoke in the flat and faeces. And yesterday I was sat staring and suddenly the furniture started growing and shrinking like it was breathing. I can't be doing with all of this

Why do you not want to take meds justme? Is it the side effects that bother you or do you think you don't need them?

Both, on the injection i had horrible jaw tremors and eye rolling. Plus I just don't think I need them no matter how much I've forced myself to try and think I do I just don't think there's anything wrong with me. Is that strange?

Nah it's not strange. I think I'm ok although I switch minds and the other tells me "the truth" but whatever idk what's going to happen in the future but I'm good now and the past is the past.

I stopped the abilify from 5mg (10-15mg with my high dose Prozac) because I hate wasting money and I think I can learn to handle psychosis and stop it from progressing. Abilify keeps my mind calm but I need energy and I want to succeed in life.

Edit: it's all over now so I'll give the bottle of risperidone back to the pharmacy. I don't want to OD the town by flushing it down the toilet.

Here is the thing the crows and the smells will likely go away if you do take medicine so your life is going to be easier....

How can I take it if I strongly don't think I need it though. My whole being just fights against it

Idk how much psychosis you've had but a schizophrenic diagnosis mean chronic on and off psychosis. Forever..

You say you're fine but you may not be. This is coming from someone that is not sick atm and concerned. When in sick, I don't think I need meds but this time I'm not. Maybe you are too but I can't fully agree with you when you are having these symptoms that are distressing you.

If it gets any worse to the point that you can't take it, take a moderate dose and then .. Idk only you know yourself if you need them or not but a few days ago I thought my psychiatrist was playing with me and is trying to torture me and the government wants me on neurotoxic meds to shut me up. Maybe it's true but I'm ok. I don't believe that I was sick it's weird I know I was but it's different I can't explain.

It's your choice. Stopping meds because of feeling better doesn't go on forever.

Idk what I said..

For me it's about trust and not knowing everything myself. I acknowledge that I might not be able to know everything about myself so I trust friends and family to tell me if I'm acting unusual and medical professionals to provide an objective opinion. Sometimes you have to give up control to an extent and just trust....

Since I have trust issues, I had an idea where it's just a gamble. Throw your trust onto someone and hope for the best. Less anxiety than not knowing that you don't know what's going to happen instead of the anxiety itself.. God hard to explain sorry if this is spam

I have that too on an injection. I'm taking kemadrin to counteract it and it seems to be working. Maybe if you're not into meds you could try psychology (like CBT) to help you work out your difficulties. Maybe your uni could offer that service?

I'm sorry things are hard for you at the moment

I have tried to trust the judgement of others but I just think they don't see the true picture. I can't stop thinking about getting through to the other dimension and that if I don't I'm guna be stuck here being tormented by the beings. I don't want to upset my family I just feel like I have no choice