Roll Call 44

I was taking procyclidine for it but it didn't stop it fully and I resented having to take that too. I'd be up for trying something different other than meds but I get the impression that I don't have a choice and that it's not readily available. I need to speak to the uni anyway as I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to go with everything that's going on but I don't want to get chucked off the course or have to repeat a year :/

It's not spam tweaky I appreciate your opinions

Justme

You don't really know what your CPN will say regarding meds or force, so try not to stress about something that may not happen. You will likely have a say in your treatment, unless you are a danger to yourself or others. I understand why you don't want meds and why you don't think you are ill, and it is your right to manage your difficulties in any way you see fit, even if everyone else IRL disagrees. I don't know how available therapy would be from your CMHT or even your university, but that would be a good idea outside of the med route, just to talk about what is going on and figure out how best to cope with it.

And I don't know how helpful this would be because it seems that I am quite unusual in this ability, but the ability to compartmentalise feelings & thoughts so that I can get on with what I need to do is invaluable for me. When I was scared to leave the house but had to go to uni, I took my dog for a walk first as I felt less scared out with him, and then it was easier to leave the house straight after to go to uni because I'd just done it. And I just put my fear about being followed etc into a box in my head and ignore it so that I can do what I need to do. It's something I've always been able to do though since little, and according to my friend today, not everyone can do that so easily, so I don't know if it will help you or not, but I hope that you find something that does

*Willow*

Thanks willow I'll try not to worry about it till I see her. She might be more understanding than I think.
I'm not sure how I would go about trying to compartmentalise thoughts I'm not sure if it's something I've done before. I'll likely still go to uni but just struggle immensely or I will at least try to go but might not be able to. I don't want to have to drop out this will be the second time I've failed uni.

everyone sees me as being really sick right now but i dont see myself like that. i mean ive been having severe panic attacks and thats really bad to me. but everyone is seeing all the other symptoms in me as bad right now but i dont.

My nurse didn't order my meds for the injection. I told her I'm having no more after that one and she just said she would arrange a recall.

I told her she's violating my rights, she just said it doesn't matter because I'm on a CTO. So I'm controlled by them and I never see the doctor, so she wouldn't know how I was anyway.

I'm really anxious today as well and I keep getting hot flushes.

Justme: It's hard to describe, but it's kind of like I think 'I know the Govt are doing XYZ and I'm feeling ABC, but I have to leave the house and get on the bus and go to uni and sit in the lecture and listen to what they say and make notes' and so I put the Govt thoughts & feelings into a box and close the lid while I focus all of my energy on each step of my day. Maybe it's like mindfulness in a way because I focus all of my attention on what I'm supposed to do and just let the thoughts and feelings drift away out of my consciousness, idk? But apparently most people I know can't do that, so I don't know how helpful a suggestion it is :/

I hope that uni works out - do you have a support worker as part of your Disabled Student Allowance as they can help liaise with your lecturers about accommodations and listen to you, at least mine did. If the worst happened and you cannot study at all (would part time be an option?), you could defer until you are feeling better, which is NOT FAILURE!!! I don't know what happened last time, but lots of people drop out for a multitude of reasons and they're not failures, and neither are you!

*Willow*

I only take enough methylphenidate to keep me awake and focused but I'm trying to write songs or a rhyme. I just want to make something. I don't have a craving for it all I know is that it gives me an aware word salad if that makes sense.

I feel like I can make something amazing one day but I need practise sober. Also not taking abilify or risperidone will help.. Maybe.

I never in my life thought I would be interested in making non prose art but I am now

I wrote such interesting stuff with the 50-100 episodes before erasing and knocking myself out.

I feel like this isn't much of an illness as my psychiatrist and especially my family members think it's is

I just need to be in control of myself. Before I had no insight but it's better.

That sounds like an impressive ability. My thoughts seem to just overwhelm me and give me no peace especially when I go out.
I've seen a disability officer before so I think I should talk to her if things get out of hand. I might arrange a meeting just to let them know what's going on. They've said before that if you go into hospital you can get something that means they pause the year and you start back where you stopped the next year. I really don't want to do that but if it comes to it at least I won't have to drop out.
Thank you for talking to me and reassuring me willow yours always very supportive

all of a sudden i feel like anxiety is hitting me like a ton of bricks...

I don't understand why I have no rights, it's like getting assaulted in the hospital and then they can just call it restraining.

I would really try to stick this year out. I deferred a year in college and never went back. My psychiatrist told me that's what generally happens people who defer due to stress or mental health problems. You're right to get in contact with the relevant support services in uni, they might be able to help you with extensions or extra time in exams. Over here they even take your issues into consideration when they're grading you, as long as you've let them know and have a valid reason. I wish you the best justme

My mantra from since I was little was 'it doesn't matter what I think or feel, as long as I do what's expected of me', and so I learnt to ignore and suppress things, putting them in a box and getting on with the task at hand. That is why I find distraction so helpful because it's second nature by now to feel better by focusing on other things. But I realise that not everyone finds it that easy.

When I do get overwhelmed, I have to focus on my breathing and I tell myself over and over 'I'm ok' until I calm down. Maybe that would help?

My postgrad uni had MH support workers, and my DSA paid for me to meet mine once a week during term time. He helped me motivate myself and plan my work and I felt accountable (if I told him I would do XYZ that week, I felt bad seeing him next time without having done it, so I was better able to motivate myself), and he helped liaise with my course director, and listened to what was going on in my life, and even helped encourage me with socialising because I was struggling making friends. I don't know if your uni would have anyone like that, but it's definitely worth speaking to them to find out after you've heard what your CPN has to say tomorrow.

Thank you. I really hope that it all works out for you because I know how important uni is to you I took 7 years to get my undergrad degree, and so far this is my 3rd year for my MSc, which I've only completed ⅓ of. Sometimes I do view that in terms of failing, but sometimes I choose to view that positively in terms of how determined I am to keep trying, even when it doesn't work out like I'd planned. I hope that you can do the same

*Willow*

Thank you chicken and willow. My brain has gone to sleep a bit so I can't think of proper replies but I really appreciate your support and I'll take into account what youv both said

Going for an initial assessment with a psychologist this week. I'm not sure how I'll get on or if they'll even find me suitable for their services. I find it very hard to talk about my difficulties when I'm stable. Like it's hard for me to empathize with myself and almost admit to feeling the way I do when I'm down or delusional. I haven't been hallucinating or having active delusions in months and see it as a thing in the past that'll never come back. Which I know is a bit silly as no one knows what's around the corner but that's just how I feel.

I have a history of anxiety leading to self harm, which again is in the past, so maybe they'll offer me DBT again. Not really sure if I need it, I can't see myself self harming again. Is DBT really only for people who self harm or could it benefit me either way? I do have a desire to take drugs and can sometimes over indulge so maybe that could be considered as a type of self harm.

They offered me dbt and I have never self harmed....I think its for distress tolerence so basically if you're dealing with any kind of crap that you need to put up with then it helps so you know like everyone....

im really happy i havent self harmed in a good while. well cut. trichotillomania is a lot of times referred to as self harm. its also referred to as some sort of OCD. its listed as an impulse control disorder along the lines of gambling and sexual impulses in the DSM though. also linked to eating disorders...

That could help. I'm just training myself to not be too dismissive of the whole thing, thinking I don't need it. I certainly do need it I just need to keep that in mind for the session.

A lot us seem to be in this situation where we're we say we're fine

My mom drinks some strong wine.. Soz I'm still rhyming..

My friend and my sister hate each other and I managed to get both of them mad at me by accidentally texting a link to both of them at once.

Why can't they be more grown up?

Thinking about getting married in Amsterdam. Anyone know any good resources for websites that would show available wedding settings in Europe. Can't seem to find much in amsterdam, just the fancy hotels.

hey guys i got my shot today around 1 30. im already feeling better. i see T tomorrow at 10. i go back to work on wednesday.

anyway i feel better and i think it will just keep getting better when i wake up tomorrow

just wanted to check in

to ppl struggling

signed up for the webinar to hear docjohn speak. tweeted him and psychcentral and apparently something got messed up. but will be reattending next week.

I have a headache. I never had headaches since I was a kid where I would tie a rope around my he head because it was so bad. It's right at the back of my head though (*prays for it not to be stroke* .. *but if it is whatever I deserved it*).

I think it's because I'm taking Concerta everyday which means I smoke more.

i took a shower and i didnt hear the voices in the water this time.

maybe when i go see T tomorrow he wont have to turn his space heater off again