Roll Call 44

I feel the same way. I've even had a thread I made deleted because I thought someone would find it and know it's me.

Does anyone on here take seroquel for sleep? Is it bad to have two aps?

. Just out of curiosity how sure are they of your diagnosis....I think this sort of thing is more common with bipolar or sza where some people just can't take ADs...just a thought because they could possibly give you a mood stabilizer instead....

Anyway sorry you're feeling so bad....

i used to have one for everyday life and then drawings and then like a dream journal. but i havent kept up my dream journal for a few years or my drawing journal.

my hamster is in the same room as my drums and when i used to play drums hed go crazy all over his cage and now he just sleeps. i think hes used to it.

I never felt rage until I got onto an antidepressant. It's the antidepressant, and my psychiatrist confirmed it. I get this way about once every other week. fml I miss my old self before my schizophrenia turned on. And I hate all these medicines that fix one thing and then rob you of your soul, or give you panic attacks for the rest of your life. I'm sick of it all. Trapped. Pissed. Hopeless. and soon will be emotionless. These meds are rotten and damaging to my brain.

OK..which is worse this or the panic attacks?

I made African peanut stew for dinner it's pretty good

Let me frame it differently. Which is worse. Severe panic attacks that make you want to buy a gun and kill yourself, or a pill that creates anhedonia which may become permanent. Anhedonia is when you no longer feel any positive emotions whatsoever. You can't feel music, love, or joy, nor depression or sorrow. That's the choice I have when faced with this pill.

The rage comes and goes, that's livable. The sexual dysfunction, fine. The Jaw clenching, fine. The chronic runny nose, fine.

I'm fighting for a life worth living and I don't see one worth living where I can't feel emotions, or one where I have severe, chronic panic attacks. Life just sucks.

Okay. I'm venting. I apologize. My bad.

. We actually had a venting thread..what was negative about today or something so it's kind of expected ...this **** sucks from time to time or all the time for the truly unlucky.

So my T and I were discussing anger to some extent the other day....this woman got in my way with her dogs and couldn't hear me say excuse me a couple of times due to headphones and being turned away and it ended up ticking me off for hours, I couldn't stop ruminating. What really calmed me down was someone talking to me very calmly and asking that I pull the cord on the bus for him. So a calming human INteraction got rid of the negative one somehow. So one of the things I have on my calming card now are podcasts just because the voice tone is so calm....you know npr type stuff. Anyway my card has five things on it to appeal to different senses. One is to smell something nice, I put a sliver of soap into a Baggie and put that in my purse....another is texture, feeling a velvet cloth or just rubbing your arm a bit. Music/podcast. Photos. Some are situation dependent like doing yoga, or stopping in a bakery or coffee shop because these places appeal to smell taste and often sound. I also carry a small piece of chocolate or lifesaver for taste on the go. Anyway maybe some of these will help take the edge off?

how many panic attacks would you say you have a day Ody?

every other day I have one in the morning that lasts until 12, then every single night one that starts after 5 and lasts until I pass out from exhaustion or go to the ER. I'm taking two 1mg Klonopins a day until the antidepressant kicks in at the end of next week.

I get them from the damage Wellbutrin did to my brain.

On average, I have a good 5 hours of peace a day, from 12pm till 5pm. Untreated, that's the time frame I think about purchasing a gun.

I have extreme anxiety from benzo withdrawal still as well as the anxiety from living. I take hydroxyzine and benadryl for it.

you sound quite a bit like me when it comes to that. mine dont last for hours but i have many throughout the day. a lot of short ones. they last maybe 30 min at the most.

um hm klonopin...does it work for you?
i used to take klonopin and it wasnt strong enough for me.
xanax is the one that works for me but sometimes it doesnt work...i guess because ive been taking it for so long. but im jw...does the med work?

yea thats another thing...
if i dont take my xanax i have very...i mean its very extreme anxiety and panic attacks. like its so bad ive punched stuff and i couldnt feel pain. physical pain. but every emotion was amplified.

sometimes i can see my field of vision narrowing into a dark tunnel when i have anxiety and panic attacks.

i remember my anxiety would be so bad in my teens i would walk to the door of classrooms and just hide in the bathroom because there were so many people. (which is mainly what my anxiety is about. people and paranoia). it got so bad that i started skipping multiple classes and then skipping a day and then DAYS at a time. its STILL like that. but thankfully i can skip going to the grocery store or whatever instead of skipping stuff i need to do. (but lol i have skipped stuff that ive actually had to do).

Newtus, it sometimes takes quite a while to kick in. I haven't taken any other benzo, so I don't know the efficacy of the others. I take Klonopin at 5pm or the first signs of the panic attack, whichever comes first. I still have to work on breathing through out the night still. I just pray for when I'm too tired to stay awake anymore.

Lexapro halts the panic attack but I told you of the soul robbing side effects it has on me. I'm changing my PDoc in a few months. The 15th will be the last time I see my current one. Hopefully my next PDoc will be willing to experiment more. It's been almost 3 years now and I still haven't gotten the meds right. This is wearing me down to nothing.

Ill start to post in the negative comments from now on. This is getting ridiculous. Sorry.

actually my anxiety was so bad in high school thats half the reason they put me in special ed in school. i couldnt cope with being around people AT ALL. and then the other half was because of my behavior from paranoia and stuff from my illness.

i even had to goto a special school for the last few weeks of my semester in order to catch up from classes and days i skipped in order to pass high school. my anxiety and my illness caused me to quit doing my schoolwork. but i also have a suspicion that my medicine i was put on also caused me to be less motivated to do my work too and it effected how i learned.

Yes, but you still can go outside and stuff sometimes. I haven't been outside since maybe one day in October when I went outside to get a package. I just hide in my apartment too scared to do much of anything. I'm getting so fed up with myself. I'm trying to walk in here more to build up strength so I can go to an appointment in March.

do you maybe know how many minutes it takes to kick in?

good thing about xanax is that it takes (for me) maybe 15 minutes to kick in. but it doesnt last long like klonopin does. it wears off fast. but its mostly perfect for me because once i can calm down i am usually ok for awhile. klonopin just lasts way too long for me. yet the side effects both have on me are sleepiness and i dont want to be sleepy for hours.

yea...sometimes. i go out twice a week.

im not trying to compete here i just thought Ody might like to hear my story because i genuinely empathize with him and share the perils of anxiety and panic.
i just shared my story because i dont want him to feel like hes too alone in this.

even though i go out like 2 times a week doesnt make that normal either. i can clearly see that most if not everybody here has something(s) extreme going on in their lives. some more than others. vice versa. some less. i have really bad anxiety and im downing xanax constantly but you cant leave your house. Ody is saying his anxiety is so bad he wants to hurt himself. we got different levels of things.

Oh sorry, I wasn't intending to compete. No, I was just thinking out loud wistfully. This isn't who I used to be at all.

Chickenfoot... What resolved your delusions for you?

its ok. i didnt know you didnt used to be like that. ive been dealing with all this my entire life.

i have to take 2 xanax before i leave the house. i even carry my xanax with me in my purse/bag because ive been in situations in public where its extremely bad.

tmorrow im going out to the mall since i been out last teusday. ive been thinking for two days maybe i should just cancel.