Roll Call 44

Just checked my grades for the classes I'm taking. I'm doing great. I've fallen behind on this weeks textbook readings and note taking though. I will probably be up most of the night doing that. I'm never getting behind even by a day again, it throws me way off.

I got bloodwork done today. Going to group tomorrow. I'm a mix of conflicting emotions right now. I made it through the first week of school, so now only 7 more weeks to go. Then another 8 and then I'm off for several months.

Most likely getting a new tattoo next Friday, not entirely sure though.

Hope everyone is well

You should be proud of yourself.

I slept a lot. Idk, if I should do the stay up for 20 hr thing to change my sleep schedule. Last time I did it I was miserable.

What kind of tattoo?

JunkDNA you are a really cool person, you need to give yourself a lot of credit for getting to where you are today. I know people here are saying you're so high functioning and can do more than other people here, well that's clearly just because you've worked your backside off to get where you are now. You're only 28 that's not starting late. I went to college with mature students in there 30's - late 30's and they all did fine. Believe in yourself!

Maybe the cure for schizophrenia could be the genetics of OCD? Just a thought.. It's like the same (quasi psychosis) except OCD can be treated in therapy.

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thank u sunshine and chickenfoot. it means a lot to me that i have support here. ive been taking my prns today. im trying to stay busy and distracted. i see t tomorrow at 1. i hope i can hold it together

hugs to everyone

So I was taking to my T about various stuff and she asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about and I mentioned how I think I feel less emotion at least positive emotions like love than other people. She said she wasn't sure if she could help but that it was important and she would read up on it. Somehow I just assumed it could be fixed...I see her again in 1 month...now I will be thinking about this.

What do you take for a prn?

A black cat sitting on the moon, it will be in memory of my cat Jack who passed away a few years ago

What medications are you on? I'm forced to be on an SSRI which has that crippling effect.

It sounds like you have a great therapist if she is willing to read up on it. If you could share any information you learn with me I'd be very interested.

That would be difficult. One of my sisters doesn't really feel emotions much. My armchair therapist opinion it's bc she is the one that found my dad dead. She was 16. Then she pretty much had to be the parent to us 4 that were still at home bc my mom was in and out of the hospital. She had to be in control of her emotions. And she still is. Have u had any kind of trauma like that in your life?

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OCD represents a psychopathological spectrum varying along a continuum of insight,” "To date, there is no universally accepted method of detecting OCD in the presence of schizophrenia".

Maybe the duel diagnosis gets switched on and off so in the middle of a psychotic break, there's someone whispering to you out of no where "These thoughts are irrational" idk

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Just abilify but I've always had this to some extent....strangely I could feel love etc during my psychosis which is why I miss it now it seems like things would be so much easier and make so much more sense with that present.

It will be a month until I see her again but I'll totally share anything I find out...

I'm treated with Prozac which is derived from Benadryl which is a deliriant which makes OCD better and antipsychotics make it worse hmm soz for the spam just sharing

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Not really no...the only thing I can think it might stem from is some sort of suppression on my part...my dad is kind of an alcoholic so rather than coming home from work he would be at the bars and we would never see him as kids....my mom said when I was little I would always want to wait for dinner to have it with him. That doesn't sound like how I think now so I wonder if him never actually coming home for dinner had some impact like it drained all my love away but if so why not be able to feel it for others.....the reason I wanted to discuss it with T is I do feel some love like for pets but why don't I feel love for my mom who was wonderful and cares for me deeply. Why don't I love my friends who care for me? Why did I love my mom and dad while psychotic...it was just fluid and obvious like something had simply been masking it. It's all confusing and I want to try to fix it.

When my schizophrenia switch turned on my emotions went into high gear. I was supersensitive to everything. However, after taking an anti psychotic, and even now that I'm on an atypical antipsychotic my emotions are still there.

There's just complications with Wellbutrin and the brain damage that did to me. Now I have to be on a mind numbing dosage of an SSRI probably for life. I feel your pain with not being able to feel love as much. I get so frustrated and upset that music no longer has an emotional impact on me anymore. I just want to scream and shout!

I feel like Beethoven, nearly deaf, striking the piano keys as hard as he can to hear the sound, that's what I have to do with my emotions and sometimes that doesn't even work. What works best is alcohol, which is a scary road to go down. My psychologist lectures me on the dangers but really, if it's the only thing that makes you FEEL wouldn't you drink too?

I hope your problem finds a solution. I always thought of love as the greatest salvation and stepping stone to great things. To Dante it was Beatrix, to Faust it was Gretchen, to Theseus it was Ariadne, to Odysseus it was Penelope and the list goes on.

Are you married, or do you go out on dates? There's a few things I do that help me feel the butterflies even though I'm stuck on an SSRI. Maybe we can share notes.

Nope single...haven't dated in a year...oddly I feel slightly more emotion on abilify it tends to make me want to have some connectivity with another person but without really feeling love dating hasn't ever been high on my priority list I just tried it to see if it would work and it doesn't. I pretty much consider myself asexual since it's so confusing for me.

This is going to sound silly. I go on a lot of dates in search for true love. I always get to the bar 15 minutes before to have a beer to myself, sit back and think of all the great love stories that had an elevating and uplifting effect on great persons. How sacred it is. This put's love as a very high priority and I can logically see the beautify in it even though I can't feel it. I have a deep reverence for it still, and what is owed to it. Once the alcohol sets in, after that first beer, and I can feel the music that I earlier listened to in the car. It All deeply relaxes me and I feel almost like my old self.

I'm a student of philosophy and one of the gems I picked up was from Kant. He wrote that it's not about being happy, but about deserving to be happy. So a big question in relation to this is which is more important, emotionless dedication or blind passion? I'd say dedication is a higher virtue than the wild caprice of our feelings and passions.

These thoughts are probably more geared to my situation though. I have to see them logically since I can't emotionally. However, if you'd like to add your thoughts on your struggle or even mine (!) i'd read them with delight.

i feel this way too but im scared of sex it is traumatic to me. i never enjoyd sex it was just like a chore for me.ive been alone for a while now.

After going on date after date I finally met one girl. At first I wasn't feeling any emotion, as always, but then something just triggered in my mind. It was probably aided by the alcohol, but oh my god I felt something. I drove home questioning my whole existence and where I was headed and if I was good enough and how I need to become a better person, and how I'd never tell her my secret, that I have schizophrenia. My heart raced, it was a mixture of panic and intoxication. That was a rare night. It didn't work out because my schizophrenia condition made for a terrible next date but what a first date.

Maybe you just need to find the right chemistry.

For me with my family and friends I tend to substitute loyalty and honor and that tends to work because I can feel those...romantically I do get crushes but it takes a couple of years for that to happen so it tends to end up being wasted on male friends rather than potential love interests...that is partly why I think it maybe fixable....but that still doesn't give me the warm feeling I want...

So I think emotionless dedication works and it substitutes in some relationships but people who can feel still see what's missing a type of touch or eye contact, a meeting of minds. Romantically though it's garbage, I dont think it works at all.

Man, the disgusting, immoral, sick in the head so called therapist really traumatized you deeply it sounds. I'm so sorry.