Roll Call 44

Hi Atypical. Im szA and find it difficult to admit the mood element too. I dont know why I feel that aspect makes us less stable than just being sz. I cant imagine anyone with sz not having to struggle with any mood problems especially depression as its akin to the negative symptoms of sz.

i made a new video:

Hi Atypical, I have SZA Bipolar Type, for me it's easier to accept the mood aspect than it is the psychosis.

Wow, thank you for posting this! For most people with sza it seems to be the opposite like Blue_Bird said, the mood aspect is easier for most to accept. I'm glad I'm not the only exception to the "rule" of sorts.

i dont understand life anymore y is it worth living?

Mainly for love, Bean, although that can be hard to see sometimes. I find the little things make life worthwhile. The smell of fresh air, flowers, the beauty of nature, family and friends. That's what life is about for me. Too bad I have so little of these things now, but I appreciate them all the more.

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I've felt like this, I did just yesterday. Hold on, it gets better.

Guys. just go decaf... that's what I did. I can still enjoy both coffee & tea but they are decaffeinated, so they don't cause me any anxiety.

Problem solved.

Yeah, it sucks that sometimes my mood controls me. I think I'm getting better at recognizing when I'm heading down hill.

I hope you get things figured out soon.

Depakote was increased. I guess it wasn't what was making me tired, I'm on a higher dose today and have been up since 4:30 AM but am not even tired right now. Not too much going on, I get my shot Tuesday. I've decided to wait on my tattoo, I'm going to get it when I complete this first semester of school as a reward to myself since I've been having a hard time getting motivated. Going to start a healthy diet, have high cholesterol apparently, will need to lose weight and lower it. Can't wait to go grocery shopping during the week, there's really nothing here.

i hate taking naps but ever since i messed up my sleeping schedule by not taking my meds a few days ago its been entirely messed up

Mental wellness warriors: Fighting for those who need it most - CNN.com

A nice article on cnn....if I remember correctly there were some fans of Fred Frese...this has part of his story along with some blurbs for others. I think it speaks to the many ways that we can fight for mental health rights/equality...

Sorry you are having so much anxiety....

Do they have they thyroid issue under control---the levels can be variable with some types of autoimmune thyroid problems....

i know a lot of people here dont vape but every morning i really look forward to taking that first inhale on my ecig. i suppose its the rush i get from the nicotine but its also the throat hit i get from the vapor. the throat hit is strong so it wakes me up. and the rush i get calms me down. its like having an instant xanax.

sounds so much like smoking right? but im so glad im not smoking real cigarettes with the tar and everything.

i got my dad into vaping too its weird. but he doesnt inhale. it wouldnt matter anyway because he uses 0mg nicotine in his juice which just mean it has no nicotine in it. its just water vapor and flavoring and an ingredient to enhance the cloud effect.

Yes they do. Sighing. I just can't escape this bipolar/sza thing. I need to just accept it and move on.

so you think you just have sza instead?

Yes I do. My pdoc agrees. I called her today and yeah I'm mixed according to her. Sigh.

I'm planning on ordering some supplies on Monday. I pray they'll help me get off tobacco.

Teeth hurt still ):

Good day at work though, hallucinations weren't too bad.

In an ideal world, it would be nice for all symptoms to completely vanish, but that's often not reality. You seem to struggle tolerating the side effects of the meds you've tried before so I don't know how good an idea it would be to increase your aripiprazole, so maybe it's more about adjusting your expectations (ie no symptoms ever) and work on reducing your distress upon hearing them? I used to hear nasty voices a large part of every day. Hearing them wasn't the problem, my getting upset about it was the problem. Self soothing/distress tolerance techniques are very helpful in my experience. I had to teach myself, but you could also see if the CMHT would offer you some kind of therapy. Hopefully then the voices would be less distressing

Mixed episodes are the worst! It wouldn't surprise me if you had SZA, though I know that you struggle against having a mood element. Perhaps it would be worth exploring yourself why the mood aspect bothers you so much? I am very self-stigmatising (I'm not suggesting you are necessarily the same though). While I know that people have mood difficulties and I would never expect them to 'snap out of it', I often tell myself horrible things for having the same troubles. I don't call myself lazy or stupid for hearing voices, but I do for having no energy/motivation etc. I think my problem is because I hate being lazy so much and I feel like the mood stuff should be easier to overcome than the psychotic stuff, when it sucks just as much. Understanding my self stigma makes it slightly easier to give myself a break for the mood stuff sometimes (I'm still working on it! Lol). Maybe understanding why you prefer having a sz diagnosis to sza would help in some way? Whatever it is that causes your difficulties, I hope you feel better soon

*Willow*

just remember to not keep any real cigarettes in your house. which can fuel temptation to keep smoking them. you might need a high mg of nicotine to start off with and then you can cut down how much mg of nicotine you use in your ecig after awhile.

Thank you for your supportive and insightful post Willow!

I'm just going to be honest with all of you here:

The mood aspect bothers me a lot because I feel like the emotions I feel particularly when I'm depressed make me weak. I think any emotion or mood good or bad makes me weak. I had a really rough childhood and I learned early that expressing emotion is not okay. So I've done everything in my power to stuff my feelings. But when I'm having a mood episode they all come out and it's intolerable for me because I built up this entire false persona of having no emotions at all. When I have a mood episode it shatters my false self and I'm left emotionally crippled by it all and it takes me a long time to recover. I would rather have a sz diagnosis because psychosis doesn't involve your emotions. Does that make sense? I know I've gone back and forth about this a lot and I've probably driven you all crazy by now and it doesn't help that I've had a lot of other contributing factors that have made diagnosing me properly a challenge. I've been diagnosed with BP I, sza, and sz before. It's crazy making, because the doctors can't seem to figure me out too.

But taking everyone else out of it and taking an honest look at myself, my mood swings are very extreme and when I'm really up or mixed I get psychotic and completely out of control unless someone steps in and helps me. And my depressions are terrible, truly terrible. I end up completely nonfunctional and just wanting to die. I don't admit to having had suicidal ideation but I do have it when I'm in a severe depressive episode.

So that's the gist of it. It also doesn't help that sz was my original diagnosis nine years ago and I spent YEARS working on accepting that and then later on I got told oh wait you have bipolar I with psychotic features or sza BP type. It threw me for a loop and I couldn't believe it and I didn't want to accept that me, who sees herself as perfect, could have a severe mood disorder(yes in my twisted head being psychotic is okay but having bipolar isn't, gah I've got serious issues lol). But as much as I've denied it, I do have severe mood problems and it's obviously bipolar/sza. It's not going away. I need to take some practical steps to accept this. If anyone has any suggestions for me I would love to hear them.

If you actually read all of this, thank you for listening.

Yes... I did place a new order for tobacco supplies but that's because I don't believe I can really get off it. I plan to try to taper down the number of real cigs I smoke versus the vaping. Hopefully it won't be too hard with good vaping supplies.

And eventually maybe get off the tobacco completely. I've never believed I could really do it.
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