Roll Call 49

work was ok. seeing T went well. he said his girlfriends twins went to a girl scout meeting and one of them told him that there was a teenage girl there that wore a hat and all black and she told T that it was a mini version of me. hah! thats funny thats what she thinks of me as. lol. i was telling T that i thought the transition off my shot would be way worse. he said he was worried about it. but it went well... i mean i had some moments but overall things are good right now with meds and my symptoms. so i am really happy about that. also i went to the old program i was in the other day to fax Ts invoices and i saw an old staff and apparently she talked to T and said i looked better than shes ever seen. that made me feel good!!!

im off for 3 days now . i need to eat something. i havent been eating much....

oh and i was late to work cuz i was at my friends house before i went to work. i was like 10 min late. im NEVER late. to anything. when i came in someone was like NIKKI (th bookeeper) and pointed at me. i was like omg im in trouble. but it turns out they were just worried cuz im always like 5 min early.

I agree. Much easier to take meds at home. You have chicks to take care of.

i cant really bring myself to take all my meds. im not taking my AD anyway. it gives me blurry vision. this is Fd up.

i feel like im in a trap

That was a nice song, I've never heard them before. It had a very catch beat. The video made me a little dizzy, but it was interesting.

It was just bitter cold out with well over a foot of snow and roads covered with ice and now a day later it's all slush and the temps are going into the 60's this coming week, Spring is definitely near.

We have at least 3 feet of snow on the ground. I don't think we'll see grass until May lol

if itake my meds i wont be able to do school or do much of anything. well my AP. ive been able to lose so much weight being off my AP. thatd be messed up to regain all that weight in a couple of months that took 7 months of hardwork to lose.

ill take half of my AP ok.

You're not depressed (I don't think) so don't worry about the AD....just take the rest...it is a trap the same trap we're all in...take the meds or end up in the hospital again. It's absolutely F'd up, life unfortunately isn't fair...

yea thats true. take the meds or be in hospital. thats what they are doing to me. at this clinic. each and everytime. they wanna put me on the news and give me a bad reputation. they dont want me around. they want to end my life and go on.

ill take half of my AP. i dont even think i can take the full dose its way too much. 20mgs. i cant take that much right now.

Oh yeah just take half that was what you were on before....if it doesn't work you can always go up....

Has anyone read The Shack? I just saw it mentioned somewhere and it looks really interesting.

My friend wanted me to read it, but I have yet to. I know it deals with a type of abuse.

ok i will take half of 5mg to start with. the pills come in 5mg and i am supposed to take 4 a day. or 3? anyway.

We're all dealt a bad set of cards with this illness

Most of us have no choice whether to take meds or not, I'd rather take meds and deal with side effects than go back to the hospital.

id like to find some other alternatives besides meds. meds are fine now but i would not like to be on them for the rest of my life. and i cant just deal with the side effects. i became prediabetic on seroquel. thats why i really cant gain a lot of weight while on these meds. i dont want to become diabetic. im scared. i dont want dystonia. it really physically hurts. along with all the side effects.

Newtus - it's not "they." The people at the clinic are not doing all this to you. It's the illness. It's not your fault at all. I wish we could make the illness disappear. But the clinic people are not doing anything bad to you. They want you to be okay. And meds definitely suck, but they don't suck as much as paranoia, fear, anxiety, delusions and hallucinations.

I understand about not wanting to gain weight. You are such a beautiful young woman. But even some unwanted weight sucks less than the way you feel right now.

i think all of us dont have a choice. we have to take meds. i dont take all my meds but i still take some of them and when i get a new AD im gonna take it.

its not just about the weight. i went to a thyroid doctor that said seroquel was messing up my thyroid and i was already entering stages of diabetes. after that i was like "F this."
before that i took all my meds everyday.
im not going through that again.

that was the turning point in my life with meds.
i wasnt gonna jeopardize my physical health THAT much where i was obese and sleeping 16 hours a day and had to drop out of my dream of going to school and drop out of everything in life and put up with diabetes just to be able to take these medications and to be mentally healthy. no.

all the stuff doctors said i couldnt do i learned i could do in these past 7 months. ive been told for years i couldnt be normal and cant do anything.

Newtus, you've got to be your own advocate and tell your doctors you want a different option. I was put on Risperdal and I said the same worries you are having. I gained 60lbs. I drilled him on it even though I didn't have the insurance and he finally gave me an option and a program I could get free medicine with. It sounds like you need a med change like, uh, now!

thank you
yea i probably do.
i already had plans to change my AD when i saw my pdoc and now idk how im gonna do that with this NP i have to see now. idk how long til i can get med changes approved.

i might need a med change.
I dont believe i need to be on this high dose of haldol at least right now.
i do advocate for myself tho. i just dont know everything that i need.

I understand. It really sucks.

Newtus, before I forget, i wanted to share this picture of my friend's chicken's very first egg.

i feel like theres a brick in my head. like in thetop of my head. its weird and it sucks and its been there all day. i dont know how to describe it really. its like. theres a serious brick in my brain

thats awesome! so cool!
where did they get it?