Roll Call 53

Tweaky, some things are just out of our control. You're understandably having a tough time but I'm sure you're doing the best you can under the circumstances. People said cruel things to me after I caused unjust harm to them while under psychosis, and I hated myself for it. But, after time, I realized it wasn't me, it was a shadowy reflection of me. I couldn't control my behavior or thoughts because I was out of control, out of self-control.

The man who said that to you is not one to judge, because he doesn't understand, nor is able to enter into an empathetic relationship with you. Simply put, he is your typical, average person who goes through life judging events as if he had the resources to make final, categorical judgments.

The thought of not blaming myself when others don't quite understand their harm kills me. I'm going to start explaining some things to my family instead of them having to know why and guess, making it worse.

I'm going to bring this up in therapy today.

I'm just writing this down for myself that it will get better because I'm freaking out over nothing. I bought more but I have no respect for myself at this time I just let it happen...

That's that's perfect to say to my parents in complete honesty.

I'll look back on this or quote it...

I stayed in bed for 12 hours. I've only just risen and I'm so hopeless. Feel weird too. Hello to everyone. Glad others are feeling better today.

feel better

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apology accepted ody

i just got home from group. leader was an hour late. i think this guy with schiz likes me there but hes 20 years older than me.

Halloween is on syfy

I've had a busy day today. First a man came to fix a loose plug socket, then people from my mental health team came to visit, after that I had to go and pick up my medication and then I went to college.

i continue to be socially awkward around people. i never know why. i tense up and make myself smaller. especially when im not dressed as confidentally. my leader said im a small person as in my body is small. i feel big. as in fat.

Wish I had started dinner earlier. I'm starving (thanks for that, meds)

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i think the haldol is starting to give me akathesia or something idk. i cant stop walking everywhere or moving my legs. dont know if im just restless. just had 1 cup of coffee today wayyy earlier. i usually dont have this problem but took half more pill of haldol last night.

Depression, anxiety, and panic attacks destroy my evenings every evening.

That guy is a complete addict. He wants to pay me back in disability money and ya, that's what he does, uses up all his money every time on crack.

I'm glad to know that binging on rocks of crack won't get me as high as a bunch of rocks to the head.

That's all I needed to know. Just curious.

This is a lesson learned when giving people money. An expensive one. But I have to care about myself before I ever do something like this again.

i hear you.
anxiety and panic and paranoia destroy mine. sometimes voices.

Tweaky, just so I understand, you are smoking crack in a psychiatric hospital?

Yes.. Lmao..

- Tweaky

Omg I'm laughing..

I shook hands with my therapist and said thanks for the last session. Then he said "What medication did they switch to you?". Vyvanse.. "CUZ YOUR PUPILS ARE HUGE OMG I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU TALKED AND LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE HAVING A GOOD TIME". He said that people come into session high as * sometimes in addiction class or relaxation class XD I wasn't high at all.

But now it scares me because my pupils won't get any bigger or smaller.

I might have to wear sunglasses he said.

I can relate. I'm over my Ativan dosage for the day.

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Everyone is doing their own thing, so I'm hanging out in my room all alone. I never do this. It feels good.

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Hahahahah! Truth!

I was thinking about getting more cigarettes and quit when I'm out of the hospital.

I want to spend my last amount of money - 30 dollars on a pack or two. But I'm not going to.

My mom gave me 40 and said no cigarettes. Then she trusted me with the bank card.

I feel so bad. I can't explain it. It's not a big deal and half the time i don't think I have an illness.

had a good day. my friend and i hung out. today is the day 18 yrs ago my dad died. i took my art history test at her house then we went to get sushi then we went shopping for my moms bday present. i got her a purse and silver earrings. i texted T that this is a hard day for me and he says he understands. he understands because his mom died when he was in college. he told me that a while ago...like a couple years ago. so i know he gets it. i spent most of the day with my friend now im home alone and its kinda hitting me but i am ok. i have to work tomorrow...not looking forward to that....but then i get 2 more days off after. im glad toby is here with me ...

why are you smoking crack in a psych hospital?
why even do any drugs in a psych hospital?
how do they even allow that?

I don't think you'll make any progress that way. But what do I know.

Tweaky, the closer you get to going home you seem to talk about drugs more often and you aren't making sense lately. What brought you in there, taking 90 klonopin, will happen again if you continue like that, sorry to say