Safe Place

Anxious. Something inside my body is trying to go out, it commands me to scream. My legs are restless.

Stop giving me an authoritative order voices, am not your soldier.

My apartment is bugged from top to bottom by the perfect people. I think there are cameras too, because he's describing in real time what I do.

I don't know where to move to. The packing has to be done. But I can't think where to go. This state isn't big enough.

He says he wants to destroy me. All I ever did to him was call him a pos, after experiencing this torture on a regular basis.

He made those noises last night when I was trying to go to sleep. I think I never hallucinated that. It was all real.

ETA: While I was just typing something in my notes they typed in what time it was. I feel so sick. I'm sick of them and all their threats. With each criminal thing they do they are laughing downstairs.

Angelique I don't think it's healthy for everyone to sit back and not tell you there's a really big chance the things you're talking about are delusions. It's enabling behaviour on behalf of those in your life, including online friends.

When I posted about the chip in my head people were firm and their posts helped me question what was going on. I'm still not there yet but I'm asking questions and I'm less distressed. I also didn't get angry or defensive at anyone asking questions so please don't do the same to me.

I believe you have erratic neighbours, but a lot of what you're saying that is distressing you are from assumptions you've made. Not whole truths.

Start asking questions, is this possible? what's so special about me? would someone really have the time and effort to do this? etc etc.

Yes, I agree with you. It sounds too fantastic to be real. But, do they have the time? Absolutely. There's some class of soulless people without conscience or inhibition who do have the time. This is their work. This is what they do. What they live on, I have no idea. The aphorism, idle hands do the devil's work is sadly true. They revel in torturing me. They enjoy it.

As for my own hands, yes, my inactivity is not good. In my case I'm not hurting anyone but myself, but it's also an affront to God to not do something meaningful.

I believe and really hope it is a delusion angelique, and you come around to that, because if you can get help with that then things will be a lot easier. If what you're explaining is true, then you're going to have to move before it escalates any more. No one can live in those situations, it's dangerous.

Yes, it's very real. They've said this will follow me to the new city I want to move to. Now I don't know where to go. It's a situation that is killing me.

That just doesn't make any sense. They're not going to follow you angelique. You need to be really open with your therapist about what you're saying here. Let her know everything.

That's the plan. I don't really understand how this is getting worse and worse the higher my meds go, unless it is real. Worse, I think my "hallucinations" which mysteriously cleared up the very first day I posted on pc, were not hallucinations at all because last night the "perfect man" made those same noises.

On Saturday night they repeated a play they've already done over a dozen times, to make me think they were police arresting him, and then turning the tide to be arresting me, and this time I fell for it and did everything they told me to do. At the end, when I went downstairs to face arrest, no one was there. It's interesting how they play their tricks. They prey on the conscience of others, having none of their own.

They have access to everything I have online. All my accounts are open and I can't change my passwords without them seeing. It turns my stomach to know this. I do plan to tell the therapist. For maybe an hour, I'll believe it can't be true, until I come back here and it all starts again.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I opened my front door to catch the people I could hear talking about me & knocking when I was first psychotic...

There was never anyone there, but I knew there was...

After a while, I sort of realised there was never anyone out there although of course I came up with other explanations until things calmed down of their own accord.

(the knocking was actually cars driving past, somehow being interpreted as knocking by my brain...)

Things are still hard here. One the one hand, they needed my bed so I've been on leave since last night, and I'm supposed to be being discharged fully tomorrow morning after I see the hospital pdoc. So that's good.

But on the other hand, I'm so angry at everything that has happened. How they were able to lock me up for no good reason for 2 whole weeks. How complete strangers keep thinking they know better than I do, and forcing things on me that I don't want. How my mother is being completely overbearing right now. Everybody keeps pushing me about and thinking they know best, and no one will listen to what I have to say. If they did listen, they wouldn't have locked me up, wasted tens of thousands of pounds of NHS resources, and made me go through the stress of a tribunal to prove them wrong! And completely alienating themselves from me because I want nothing to do with any of them any more. Yes, they weren't as abusive as my previous hospitalisations were, but nobody would listen to what I had to say. Just kept making decisions for me the whole time that I didn't want!

I saw my community pdoc again today. He listened to me. He's the only one. My Mum and I had another blazing row this morning about her making decisions for me and charging ahead like a bull in a china shop and not listening to me when I tell her to stop. But pdoc got her to back off and she's gone home now. I feel bad that we argued because I know she cares and means well, but it's such a relief to have my own space again and not be pushed pushed pushed all the time. It's just all too much.

And pdoc said again today that he thinks I have schizophrenia, which is really confusing. Why would he keep saying that?? I can't possibly have sz! It doesn't make any sense that he would say that to me

*Willow*

i didnt tell angelique these were delusions but i talked to her on kik and said many times to goto the hospital. something or someone is enabling these thoughts.

i believe she has erratic neighbors too. but im questioning if her assumptions are delusions because some things dont add up.

im not talking like youre not here angelique but youve gotta take care of yourself and not let these neighbors lead to psychosis.

im sorry if i offended anyone. but im not enabling anyone here. i dont think thats what you meant chickenfoot about me. i hope. but i care about everyone here.

It's possible you aren't responding to the meds at all anymore, you may need a different med....abilify is and always has been weird because it's a partial agonist at the d2 receptor rather than blocking it. It also took 3 months for it to work for you the first time so there could be a long delay. The best option might be inpatient where they can change your meds to something that works relatively quickly....

I'm sorry all this happened to you...hugs. As far as the sz, what do you think you have? I thought you were sza before but then everything was called into question when you moved.

To all who need it....

I'm really sorry that happened to you willow
As for the sz I think it might be good to remember how bad it felt when they were telling you that you were lying and malingering, at that time you wanted them to listen and hear that something was wrong. Now they are finally listening and they see that there is something wrong, so it's better than them accusing you of lying. Hope things get better for you.

I have been feeling



Lately. I always need distraction from this feeling so I've been bugging my friends by keep talking with them everyday. I am not always talking about this feeling with them though, sometimes we just do small chit chat. But I am paranoid that they will get bored talking with me everyday. I need new friends so I won't talk to the same person each day. Idk how to get more friends though..

You have us...talk here....

Thanks SP, I really appreciate it. I feel like living in a roller coaster right now. My bipolar cycle is really a rapid one. I change from depression to manic in just a few minutes. I can't do anything with my life since I am busy getting shocked by the cycle. Like one minute I get depressed and I think, okay now I am depressed, what will I do now to cope with it. Then when I find the solution to handle my depression, the manic episode comes. Then I try to find what can I do while manic. When I start doing thing that I can do during mania, depression hits me again. I really don't have the time to cope since it's moving within minutes. I know I should post this in bipolar forum but I feel like a stranger there since I never post there and I don't know the people there. I don't feel like introducing myself right now..

That's ok, I'm supposedly bipolar too but it's my psychosis that worries me so I stay here. So is that considered a mixed episode or ultra rapid cycling? I remember hearing an analogy of mixed episodes as being two ways, one like chocolate milk or two like fudge ripple ice cream....I think you may be the fudge ripple type. Give me a couple of example of what you do for mania vs depression maybe we can find an intermediate solution.....

When mania comes I feel so high, full of energy and “positive” thoughts, I speak fast that my friend on phone keep saying “What did you say? Speak slower I don’t get it”. I think I have special ability that it is okay to jump from my room on the second floor and then land safely because I know the trick ) which in fact I don’t n my room is pretty high above the ground). I feel the need to keep on moving. Usually I go doing cardio with the static bike when mania comes but lately I cant because as soon as am on it, I feel depressed. Racing thoughts. I am full with inspiration for my novel so I open my laptop then when its on I feel depressed again n can’t write a single words. When depression hits I feel This is the best explanation I can do for now, I hope you understand what I said

Do you have anything positive to do when you're depressed? You need something that can fill both high and low...I'm thinking have your static bike but with a movie of some sort, once you slow down you can watch the film which will keep you mind occupied and away from depression but you can just hop on the bike if you speed up again. Another possibility is art....I find drawing to be slow and painting fast and colorful....if you aren't artistic there is always coloring or zen doodles....

What meds are you on because you might want better control just to get some relief, I imagine it's hard to sleep like this....

This is a good idea. I'll try this. But yeah it's frustrating because its so rapid. I feel exhausted mentally. I am now on seroquel and depakote. I will meet my Pdoc today, but I haven't take seroquel last night (it's morning here now) because I know I'd be oversleep if I took it. I only took depakote but it doesn't help with sleeping. My cycle is always rapid, most of the time it's like 12 hours manic 12 hours depression, or let's say, 50-50 since I wake up to sleep. I can handle if it's within hours like that, but within minutes like now..I just don't know what to do.