Safe Place

I've been hearing things so much today. Started by getting delirious last night and bf telling me I was making no sense even though I thought I was. Then I started seeing fish swimming in the painting above our hotel bed (there are no fish in the painting). Then this morning I saw a ghost butterfly and ghost rat. And from there I've just been hearing loads of stuff that's not there. One was a woman's voice saying she's going to have to abort the mission and I need to tell the leader. Another one was a little boy saying 'everyone is sick of you (my name). Then music and stuff. Then we were In a cafe for tea and I heard this guy behind my bf talking and he sounded SO MUCH like Peter capaldi that I was amazed. So I told bf and he gave me a funny look then listened for a couple of minutes and said 'the guy behind us?' And I was like yeah so he listened again and told me they were speaking French. As soon as he said that I heard them speaking French and the penny dropped. I had heard a full conversation between them and he was being quite abusive to her but clearly that didn't happen. Feel really disorientated now and weird. I only got an hours sleep last night even though I took a zopiclone. Scared I'm guna relapse while I'm out here. Need to keep it together.

I'm hearing tiny voices screaming for help from the air conditioner.

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This is my first post here. I hope that's OK. They say I'm psychotic. I have a big hole in my chest - I can stick my hand into it and touch the inside of my t-shirt on my back, so it's really real - but other people say they can't see it so they call me psychotic. I want the hole to go away. It's really bothering me. They have upped my meds hoping they will make it go away. I'm afraid it won't.

Hi Breadfish. I hope it goes away.

I'm agitated. I saw Interstellar last night with my family (I agree with you all that it was a phenomenal film), and I got really confused at several parts. My 18 year old brother knew exactly what was going on, and had no problem explaining it to us with an air of arrogance. He thinks he is so much better than me. He never listens to my music because he thinks my tastes suck. He regularly lectures me about stuff and talks to me like he knows everything. He is five years younger than me. The roles are supposed to be reversed! I hate it; I'm such an incompetent loser that my younger brother is smarter and better adapted to the world than I am.

I would do anything to be a brilliant, talented, worthy person who everyone loved and admired. My therapist told me that a lot of the gods that fall into that category are miserable. I don't ducking care! I would rather have an awful life and be brilliant, because then I would be deserving of happiness, even if I didn't have it.

There are no words to describe how much I hate the stupid, ugly, worthless, vile, incompetent person that I am. I have no clue why God made me. I think he probably created me so that he could laugh as he watches me fail.

I need to change my life. I've been trying for so long to become a worthy person, to stop being such a loser. I don't know what options I have left. Everything I try just makes things worse. I feel like I have a big target on my back. I don't know why I have to go through all of this. Why I can work my *** of and be denied of things that God hands to other people on a platter, like friends, life opportunities, a good job, deserved confidence, etc.

I would do anything to be someone else.

I hate this.

I'm sorry you feel that way. None of those things are true. Everyone deserves love. Depression is the fog that makes you not be able to see that. But I promise. You are human just like everyone else. We all want love, we all hurt, we all bleed. You are just as worthy as any other person. Have you tried talking to your brother to tell him how he makes you feel?

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Mental health workers are full of it. They always mislead me. I've realized they don't want me to realize my full potential. What is with that? What is wrong with wanting to succeed? Does being a marginalized person mean that I condemned to this meager existence for the rest of my life?

It is always better to do things myself when I want them done properly. I'm keeping my goals to myself from now on.

This, exactly.

About feeling worthless, incompetent and unadapted to the society you're in.. There is hardly anything as messed up as our society, found in nature. That's why anytime I'm bothered by it, I head to nature. So many species, yet living in harmony.

I used to be very open with every thought which occurred to me but I'm not anymore. I'm trying to play their game and only now realize how far is my own little world. In a way I'm unadapted to the game others have been playing for years, true, but how much do they know about the rest?

I do realize it's good to dance to the music your environment is playing and in this sense my condition is definitely a disadvantage. But as soon as I'm alone, I like me, just the way I am And really, every time someone calls me immature, I remember they're actually talking about themselves, who are bothered by it in the first place but also don't understand where others are coming from.
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Didgee, you can be anything you want. And do anything you want. Remember John Nash, winner of Nobel prize of mathematics.. I doubt he'd appear the most confident and able person in front of a psychiatrist, who giggles at someone dealing with aliens, yet he achieved complex things which came of use to the rest of the bee hive.

Secretum, I don't know you very well. I have read some of the posts on your blog, and of course, your posts on PC. I have found them to be very insightful. In my opinion, you are already a brilliant and talented writer. With or without that aspect though, you are still worthy and deserving of happiness. I hope you continue writing.

From one fellow writer to another, I'm giving this my ducking all and if it fails then I'll hold it go to my grave and say duck it! How many people write an entire novel? So many people say they will but never do. My grandfather always talked about it but put it off.

I saw interstellar also. Like some books, some movies you have to watch a second time. I read Goethe's Faust in 3 translations, each taking nearly a month. I spent a month reading the Odyssey and the Iliad. I'd put interstellar in that category too. If your brother understood it then kudos to him. I'd need to watch it again, privately in my bedroom to really get a grasp, not around others talking with the volume low with a cat as a distraction.

Also, think of it this way. Some people can understand things fast. They will read Crime and Punishment and know that it's about Russia. Do you get my point? It's about so much more than Russia!!! Even a philosophy professor could grasp a book, 1984. He told the class it was about how you could not make love in private. I had another professor try to teach the class what Homer's Iliad's moral argument was. These supposedly brilliant professors that come from a philosopher department getting it wrong just shows that even brilliant people get it wrong sometimes.

Art is like throwing darts. It's open for interpretation. Sometimes the artist isn't aware of what he/she has created. I do this all the time while I write when I look back at an earlier event.

Your brother may be precocious in one way, but not in another way. For example, I need a half hour after the movie to sit back, maybe have a drink, and wonder wtf just happened. Then after not getting that last section I realize I need to watch it again.

Try to read Plato's Republic one time through. NO. WAY. WILL. YOU. UNDERSTAND IT in one sitting. The beginning alone is sowell crafted that it sums up the who book. But if you only read it once you wouldn't know that.

When I said I would do better watching it alone I was serious. If I watch It alone it's like my consciousness is a pond, and there are no outside distractions. Therefore I can see through to the bottom of the pond, to the bottom of the themes.

<3

have you seen any any philosophy movies? id bet you like Waking Life.

http://m.imdb.com/title/tt0243017/

i loved it. its one of my fav movies. its about a guy who shuffles through a dream world and meets all these people who go on about every philosophical theory there is. really makes you think. you have to watch it a few times. alone.

Waking Life is awesome!

I saw a great movie one day. Japanese. It's kind of long but gives off the right vibe. About coming of age but from a heaven-hell perspective. It's kind of miserable and that misery is shut off with 'ether'.... anyways All About Lily Chou Chou is the title

That was an entertaining movie. One of the people in it is Robert Solomon. He is a Nietzsche disciple who in turn taught one of my old professors. Solomon's book on existentialism is phenomenal. I highly recommend it if anyone digs existentialism:
http://www.amazon.com/Existentialism...robert+solomon

Another existential film is I <3 Huckabees. It's hilarious and has a great cast. I took an existential course at college and it seemed so, "well here we are on this spot of a planet in this meaningless cosmos with no purpose but what we create for ourselves" They didn't believe in anything that was universal to mankind. No ultimate point to life. it was heavily influenced by the aftermath of World War 2 and the hopelessness that arose from it.

I'm just too old school. We all have existential moments, which are akin to the psychologist's Erikson's stages of life. One stage is where we integrate or degenerate. This is similar to the existential crisis.'

How does one shake themselves out of this crisis? What scares me is how distractions are becoming addictions these days. The distractions mask the crisis and makes it even worse. I can't really think of an artist or writer that has the might to shake one out of the addictions, out of the crisis, out of apathy into a world where they are like artistic creations that can always perfected and pruned. We are rational, moral and aesthetic beings. These are all on the decline. Vulgarity is becoming the way to celebrity. Critics aren't being heard. We don't have the earnestness that previous cultures have had that rose to the level greatness still mimicked today.

im watching i heart huckabees today.

i like the autistic kid

I don't want my panic attacks anymore, and I want to feel again.

I have SI every night. I feel like my life is slipping through my fingers. The only thing that keeps me going is my passion project. When I can't do that im wasting away at a job I hate, in the fetal position or distracting myself watching Netflix in the fetal position. Is there something that moves you? Newtus has her chickens, Sometimes has her paintings, Sectrum has her writing. Is there something that would add value to your life?

I didn't know what I wanted to do for sure until months ago. Ponder it awhile.

Thank you Ody! There used to be things I cared about. But now I'm just so empty except for misery. I will try to think of something.

not only do i have my chickens but school is a passion for me. it gives me something to look forward to everyday. thats why im so bored this month. this summer month. of course i have a class in july but not in june and didnt last half of may. school is really a way i exercise my brain and keep it healthy. im lucky i can go. not every can afford to. not everyone wants to go either. but i like it.

What helps me greatly, is if I just go into related atmosphere. The gym helps me work out, the library helps me study for my passion project, I'f im feeling stressed a walk helps.

Are you into animals? You could help at an animal shelter. I'd love to do something that like but there aren't any of those around me.

What did you use to care about?

I draw too and sometimes i try expressing the negative thoughts and end up feeling a lot better

Talked to a drug therapist, given the choice to detox for a week or so and communal living following, commune 'at worst'. Dont know what to do, like the life but resent it too. No idea what follows, never been sober

Where are you living now? Are you in the mood for a big change? Detox is very hard but once you're through it you might be happier.

Id go into detox which is at a nice location by the sea, nice and warm and then move into an amazing place ive found and then decide if i want to switch towns, most likely by the sea.

Imm messed up so, that i have no idea what i even want anymore. I cant imagine sobriety and the town by the sea has the most addicts in the country