Safe Place

If you go into detox chances are you'd be able to care for yourself better. After I came out of benzo detox in 2013 (inpatient at the local psych ward) a kid selling drugs knocked on my door and my first impulse was to turn him down and I did. In retrospect I kind of wish I'd bought a little something and established a connection since I don't know any other dealers but at the same time I'm not addicted to drugs anymore. Small victory, but I guess it's something. I live around a lot of addicts too.

I guess so.. Hows your life after? Were talking bout it since i dont even know what im like sober. I mostly dislike the situation.. I dont know what sober life is, nobody around me does it either. Good job on turning the guy down.. I relapse often, i just feel something lacking and eventually do it

I have benzo withdrawal syndrome so it's been very rough. It won't be easy but it might be worth it. You won't know until you try.

ETA: I was doing a lot better with motivation when I was still on benzos and I had less anxiety. I was better off. But the thing is, if it doesn't work out you can always go back on whatever you use. I can't because I can't get benzos here.

hey. i used to be a hardcore opiate addict. i got sober from opiates on sept 25 2008. its hard at first, im not gonna lie. i had to change almost every aspect of my life. the hardest is changing your friends. that was why i always relapsed, because i went back to those same old friends. i moved out of that town and ive never seen any of them again. being sober now is awesome for me. like you, i couldnt imagine it either. to figure out how to have fun and not be messed up... thats a big one. dealing with boredom and overwhelming emotions. its hard... its really hard. i had to work at it a lot, and i still work on it. sometimes i crave but they definitely have lessened. i hope you find something that works.

when im alone (usually high) i see silhouettes oof dogs and cats and bugs and people and stuff. sometimes happens when im sober. makes me wonder what is this medicine doin to my brain really bc this was all post meds

I was ok the entire day but now I'm struggling to stay productive and I'm getting very depressed. I will need a lot of strength the next week and hopefully it will get easier from then on (I move away, get new roommates)

There was me, my friend of 15 years and two new guys. The new guys started indirectly calling me out a narco. Same as last week. My friend sided with them and left shortly after. Sometimes the same people who used to go 'more more more' say to my face they can't look at me anymore.

The worst part is I haven't changed and all I want is to be around them and for things to be like they used to be. I'm sad and lonely, whatever good memories I had are now painted black with the newer ones.

.............

I hope you're okay.

Thank you, that's very kind of you. I am okay now. Sometimes I write posts and I get scared and delete them... I am feeling better since I originally posted though so that is good. I mean, I am still not doing all that well, but it seems the worst has passed at least for now.

I know about all this.
They have victimized me as well.
They follow me, listen to my telephone calls, they know where i am, what im doing.
Only a certain part of my brain hurts. At the base of my skull right by the brain stem.
I looked into all this and turns out CIA EXPERIMENTS. Like ****, in Canada....
I know this is for real too.
I dare not file reports to RCMP, or tell anyone about this via phone or tell anyone who gets paid or is affiliated with the governnent,

If I do, they will kill me.
they WILL kill me....

Demons watch me while, I sleep. They are coming to take me away I just know it. I have placed my old stuffed animals on my dressers. They keep the demons at a distance.

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There is someone out to get me, someONE they read my thoughts, they are the cause of my paranoia. They sent people to follow me, they have inserted tracking devices into my food. That's how they know where I am. It's their fault I am like this!
I don't know what they want!

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I'm having a really hard time. I've been up and down, up and down...and I'm realizing that this damn roller coaster is never going to stop. I'll never be able to get off of it.

I'm $50,000 in debt from student loans (this was just for a 1 year MS!), and I will be lucky if I can find a job that pays $30,000. I want to be able to live independently, but it just doesn't look like that is a possibility. I could probably make it work, but my parents wouldn't approve unless it was really, really obvious that I could afford to support myself. And I can't do anything without their support. Because I am weak.

I'm trapped. If I were a better person, a stronger person, a more resourceful person, I could get out of here. But I'm not. I'm not good at all. I am so maladjusted to life, it isn't even funny. I feel like I've been destined for a life of agony, a life filled with frustrations and never getting what I want or achieving my goals.

I just can't stop thinking about the dashed hopes I've had throughout my life (and if we're being honest, almost none of what I've hoped for has actually come to fruition). I've experienced a lot of betrayals in my 23 short years of life, too. I had people I was confident were friends turn their faces away once I started really struggling. And it hurts. It hurts like hell.

I have some good friends now, people I care about who really care about me. I'm lucky for that. These people are the reason why I haven't done anything "stupid" yet.

*Trigger warning* It's really, really tempting. But I'm scared of failing, and living with the aftermath of a failed attempt would make my life even worse. I have just had it with life. I am cursed. I am pursued by an evil force that desires my death. I know that that sounds paranoid, but when you think about all the stuff that has happened, or more often, hasn't happened...it makes sense.

I would say more, but I don't want to trigger anybody even more. I will talk to my therapist about this next time I see her, though I don't really think there is anything she can do. There is nothing anyone can do. Least of all me. Useless me.

I'm sorry to hear you're so down, Secretum. How did your interview go? I was marvelling at all you were able to accomplish before going. I can't even shower the day of an appointment, I have to do it the night before. (Because my lungs are very messed up from COPD.) Anyway, I was amazed by how much you can accomplish in a day!

I'm worried that I might have parasitic worms in my bowels and in my brain. I can feel them in my throat. But I know they're not in my throat since the stomach acid would kill them.

I had a discussion one on one with my boss, the owner of the company. One of the guys we work with is dating his married daughter, which is the reason why she wants a divorce. He listed off the reasons why she is hooking up with a loser while she's already married. Almost every single point he made was a dagger to my heart as he listed the reasons why this guy was a loser because they really hit home.

I don't feel worthless, but after tonight, at least for the moment I do feel like a loser. I'm so dependent on my mother that I don't know what im going to do after she leaves this house she's renting.

I was rock solid before my best friend's death, and then it triggered. Now I have to take a handful of pills, sleep 3 hours a night, and watch my life slip before my hands.

I feel a lot like Secretum... (((Secretum)))

Same here, Ody. I was strong too before my best friend died. Since then I've been a wreck. (((( Ody ))))

Ody I thought you were considering california?

I'm still considering it. However, I'm considering working with this new psychiatrist who actually knows what she is doing. She said she's going to take it slow and that it might take a year. I no longer have severe nightly depression.

I'm glad your depression is gone....

I'm terribly anxious right now. Next month is going to absolute hell. I might get 3 days off, while working late hours. So much work to do and I'm one of the managers. I'm really not looking forward to this. I don't know about my health either. I haven't been sleeping very well these days and I feel like I'm in a deep haze many mornings. I can't work under those conditions. Plus, I'm not myself anymore. I'm still trying to get the meds right. I'm still on Lithium and I need to increase the Effexor so I'm not sure what mental state I will be in. Will Geodon and Lamictal take care of my bipolar2? Will Effexor turn me into a zombie like the SSRI's did? My life is a wreck.

Maybe Ill ask for some ambien to help me sleep for next month with all the changing and work I have it would be nice to sleep well at least. Controlled chaos.

im on ambien. it works wonders. but you can build a tolerance to it. so be careful.

Whatever it is in the mirror still has my reflection. I'm thinking it really doesn't want to let it go. I'm becoming a little more used to it even though I don't like it.

I just don't understand why they want to watch me or follow me I'm not that interesting I just want to go about living my life.

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I have a feeling that you are a really great person. I'm so sorry you have to carry this around with you.