Safe Place

I did that to my mom before I went to the hospital and then another time before the hospital again. It's like I can't control myself when my meds are unbalanced. I feel terrible about that but she understands.

@Ody,

Go easy on yourself; sometimes I do the same thing.

After a manic episode I like to write down my thoughts and feelings.

I didn't even realize that it could have been manic rage. I haven
t had it in so very long that it caught me off guard. Only after the fact did I realize that. I was a ticking time bomb.

I try to monitor my emotions, like paranoia, anger, empathy but I did not see this coming. I failed.

Thanks Ofthevalley. It's 3:30am and I can't sleep (not that my sleep is good lately anyway) worrying about tomorrow. I don't understand what their game plan is?? They did a mental health act assessment on Wed, but held off making a decision until I see my pdoc on Fri...so that means they think he might have an alternative to hospital, right?? Yet they told me today that, after I see my pdoc, I have to "see the doctors" again, which sounds like a euphemism for another MHA assessment (as that's how they described what happened on Wed)?? I completely disagree that I'm section-able, and there is no therapeutic benefit for me being in hospital, so I feel like they must just want to torture me to make me feel sui. My only hope is my pdoc, but they want someone to accompany me to my appt so they can lead him to agree with them. I don't want some random stranger coming to my appt and twisting things! I wish I'd never gotten entangled in psych services again...

I hope that you're doing better today

*Willow*

Good luck today. I'll be thinking of you

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Thanks! Hope you are ok today

My pdoc appt went ok. He still wants me to take meds, but I can't. He's going to see me again next week. Nobody from the crisis team turned up to my appt like they said they would, thankfully. No one has turned up at my house or rang either to check in. And thankfully no doctors have turned up like they said. So they've either forgotten me today, or (I'm really hoping) they have decided to leave me alone. Fingers crossed!

*Willow*

Glad things turned out okay. I hope they have decided to leave you alone.

I don't recognize myself

I don't think I can face this. I wish my life would end.

I hate this for you.

Don't say that. When are the police coming back to check on you? Also did you get recordings of all the noise the neighbours are making?

I have recordings from last month and earlier this month. Not sure when the police are coming back. Today was horrible. He was pushing noxious fumes through the floor and wall. He's still doing it at intervals. The management want me out and he's one of their underlings who helps them drive out the tenants they want to be rid of.

The social worker who was here two weeks ago heard his loud music and commented on it. If she really was a social worker. They had bogus police here for 11 days and I was too stupid to figure it out.

I look so bad now, who is going to rent to me? I can barely stand up or walk at all. I don't have a car to go look at apartments and can't rent one due to not having current corrective lenses. So I'll have to waste precious money on taxis (or maybe I'll try uber, I don't know) to and from several or many rentals that no one will want me for. I don't have nice clothes to wear. I'll look sloppy and awful and crippled and I don't know what's going to happen.

Oh, and they're setting up the next thing they're going to do. I'm hearing what they want me to hear, "what's she going to do?" he is saying to his girlfriend. Earlier the janitor had one of his 'idea' meetings with them.

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

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Thank you.

The neighbors are laughing again, after yet another talk-about-her night last night, and endless obsession this whole morning. They're laughing because - I'm not even going to say here, but it's bad.

ETA: I don't know if I ever posted, since I've found out, but the landlord keeps them on as part of a get-rid-of-problem-tenants team. I qualify as a problem tenant due to the absolute mess my place is in. At least.

I sent a few listings to my friend to call for me, expecting them downstairs to do what I'm certain they just did. I should have just called them myself but I'm having issues with wanting privacy, etc.

Did I mention that someone on the "team" cracked my phones and computer? Even the one on cell data, which was in my hand at the time, squealed like I never heard it do before, and the camera flashed. They have complete visual of my phones screens, and probably use of my WiFi as well. I wish this were a delusion.

How do you know its not? I know for me I can't tell my delusions from reality, it's almost the definition of a delusion....

I know. But I haven't had delusions all my life, I only had one. This, I can hear them say the title of something on my screen, in real time. That's happened several times.

The only reason the bug spray temporarily stopped is because I've been looking at listings.

The management was here earlier, and he was yelling my name. Apparently I'm not out of here fast enough.

I think that just because it hasn't happened before doesn't mean it's not happening now. I mean I was 36 before my first delusion or hallucination, perfectly fine before that. I will say too that several of my voices were or people that I know so its very easy for the mind to recreate people. I know you went up on the meds but I feel that part of what you're experiencing could be a delusion or hallucinations, although I can't be certain. Your pdoc might be a better judge of this, when do you see him again?

Full Blown Mania

I'm having a horrible day but this reminds me of my delusion. I thought my phone and computer were hacked. I put a piece of tape over the camera and conmstantly looked up ways to stop the hacking. I thought they recorded me having sex with my girlfriend at the time.. I thought they used my wifi nnext door. I thought the apartment next door was using my wifi to spy on me. It was horrible...

Angel, nothing could shake me out of the delusion. All I had were caring people that I would vent to and they would challenge me. You wont believe me because your too deep into the delusion, but you need to verify these things with other people. I know its frustrating to try, and that you might soon add them to the list of people out to persecute you, but other people are your only guide to get out of this. You can't do this by yourself, whether if its a delusion or not. No human being should suffer like this.



God you must feel like a prisoner in your own home. I'm so sorry. I wish I was there. I know how heavy the burden is.

Thanks Ody. I'm sure a lot of it is real, but I found out for myself today, too, that I do need to be around more nice people, just to shoot the breeze even.