Safe Place

feeling pretty bad

to all who needs one.

I'm feeling...idk what the right word is...but not quite right somehow. I keep being distressed by things, and I don't understand why. Like I lost my **** at my pdoc appt on Mon because it started hail stoning outside and that upset me for some strange reason, but I couldn't lie on the floor in the waiting room without everybody thinking I was a weirdo and so I didn't know what to do with myself. I frequently don't know what to do with myself the last couple of months! I don't know how to explain this so it makes sense...inside I keep feeling distressed by stuff, but I'm also ok because I am keeping busy and distracting myself because the days are just too long otherwise. And I don't know what else I could do because lying on the floor doesn't help because the floor is dissolving too...I realise that probably makes no sense and I don't know how else to explain. I guess I feel conflicted because I am fine, yet sometimes I feel like something is wrong, but it can't be because I'm fine. And I am restless and have to keep busy, but also am exhausted and frequently need to lie down and not move or speak for hours at a time, even though I still feel just as restless inside. Like I'm bored doing nothing, but can't settle to anything. Idk...it doesn't make any sense and I don't even know why I'm typing this nonsense...sorry :/

*Willow*

I feel like ****.

I'm pretty sure I should be past the mood element of my nicotine withdrawal by now (almost 6 weeks off now) & in fact I have been largely fine, especially recently things seem to have been going well with my running etc. but things just seem to have taken a nose dive.

I think it all seems to be since my panic attack... like it's thrown me off kilter. I don't know, it's like all the things brimming under the surface have suddenly welled up & taken over. I have like very little self-esteem... it's like I looked in the mirror this morning & thought... "that's what I really look like"... I feel pretty worthless... I think about my future & there is just nothing... I feel like I always make these plans, or think "soon" but I'm just stuck in limbo.

It's not like I even have this big excuse, I have mild everything, so what right do I have to be wallowing in self pity.



Yeah...

I'll probably feel better soon since I don't have anything wrong with me as always, but this is how I feel right now. It sucks.



PS - the thing that sucks is the realisation that no-one really cares other than a select few which pretty much amounts to family... people never stay in touch with me... everyone just seems to be friends with me because of circumstances, then they just go off into the sunset... because you know they never really cared.

(((((((( Loial )))))))) I care about you and I'm sure everyone else here does too.

Sorry you're struggling loial. It doesn't sound like its nicotine withdrawal more like your panic attack had triggered underlying negative feelings about yourself and situation. Please try not to put yourself down you have every right to feel like you do and your problems are valid

Thanks... I guess...

I know this feeling all too well. But keep in mind that you have friends here, you care about people here and we care about you too. I adore your strength, the fact that you are off meds and you did well all of this time. Too bad that incident (about someone knocked your door) happened, but I think you managed it well that night. I am sorry that it made you feel this way right now, please tell yourself that it soon will pass, that you will feel better. But if you feel even worse after a while, make sure you call the professional, we all need help once in a while. Please take care of your wounds now, you don’t deserve the pain. And about the self esteem.. I think you are amazing.

Sorry if that sounded harsh I didn't mean it to be. Sorry you hurt yourself

The I guess was just 'cos I was feeling numb... sort of appreciate all the kind words but they are somewhat passing over my head. Slowly sinking in though. So

Just listening to every depressing song in my collection... I find they help myself work through my feelings.

I'm trying my best to be ok
I really want to be ok but no one seems to notice that I'm NOT ok

No one seems to care no one seems to take me seriously AT ALL

Whats the point of even being around? whats the point of even having "Friends" when all they do is smile in your face then desert you when you actually need them?! Seriously

I m so over it right now I'm so done with the idea of "friends" I mean theres really no point to my existence right now none whatsoever as nobody gives a **** what happens to me

I know what I know and nobody else can know it for me and no one else cares enough to even listen to me all they do is write it off as aparanoia if they say anything about it AT ALL

i mean, really there is no point in anything anything i try because people never give me credit for trying and when I need help people dont give me a chancce to even explain myself before they decide I'''m not worth the effort

I know what's going on and I'm onto everyone who claims to be my friend I know they are working with the police and they want me to feel bad they want to feel suffering and they are probably being paid totrick me into turning myself in i know this to be true and they prove it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again

How the **** do they expect me to trust them and help them with their problems too when they dont even listen to me i mean seriously am i worth so little that I cant even get a say in

for all its worth I guess i really am as bad as the police believe i am, considering people won't touch me with a ten foot pole, they all know what i did back then, they know it and they want me to suffer for it

no place is safe

Think its best if I stay out of here , anyway, ill be in the lobby or bar , later

I hope you'll feel better soon. I can relate to your post. : love:

I can relate to this a lot. I felt exactly this way a few weeks ago. What I did was I cut the contact with all fake friends, I don’t need a toxic relationship, I’d rather be alone than having fake friends. If I was just having paranoia, then time will tell, because real friends won’t give up on us, no matter how smart our illness shut them out. But I hope you don’t lose your hope and faith. Good people, like you, are exist out there. Find them. Because I believe, just like us, they are lonely too as a result for being surrounded by fake people. You are a good person, talented, and funny too. You deserve to be loved.

I'm sorry you are struggling right now.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad

to those who are struggling right now.

*Willow*

Still feeling worse for wear...

Yesterday wasn't great. Couldn't even bring myself to post.



I was in so much emotional pain that I went got some cigarettes. I just smoked 3/4 of one last night, a bit fast so that made me a little nauseous. Ended up forcing myself dinner since I wasn't hungry & went to bed at 7pm.

I didn't really want a cigarette, but I knew it was the only thing that would help in the short term. It's much the same reason I relapsed before with smoking... as a coping mechanism albeit that time with psychosis.

Felt quite anxious this morning, which is some ways is ok because it masks my depression but I just ended up having another cigarette. Quite likely the anxiety is linked to having a cigarette last night... I did manage to go 3 and half hours before having one this morning though.

I'm not beating myself up too much about smoking... I know I don't want to & it's just circumstances but I hope I can stop myself before I am fully addicted again. I really, really cannot afford them anymore never mind everything else.

Oh well, I think my anxiety is abating a bit now but the dark thoughts are coming back.

Hopefully I'll be posting somewhere other than this thread soon but who knows... guess I'll just have to suffer for now. Maybe I deserve it, I don't know... (I saw this thing last night "Depression is not a sign of weakness, it means you have been strong for far too long."... I'm trying to find that strength now)

At least I happen to have a p-doc appointment in a weeks time if this doesn't resolve itself by then. Outwith my psychosis, this is the only time I've had depressive symptoms that have persisted. Guess it's been a long time coming.

I know how that is.

When your ex girlfriend of 9 years trolls you online. Her and her friends really need to find something better to do. It's really pathetic. They need to find something uplifting and elevating to do with their time, not demeaning and depreciatory. That says something about the poor state of their souls. I don't hate them though. I feel bad that they haven't found something else meaningful to do with their time. Our lives are measured in hours and this is what they decide to do with the little time they have? I have better things to think about though. They can keep doing whatever. I'm past the point of caring anymore.

Very well said, Ody. And the bold part, I am so happy to hear that

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad loial---how long have you been depressed for? Here's hoping its just temporary. In cbt we learn to do things that we once considered fun in multiples so if you like plants you might peruse a local green house while listening to your favorite music and then grab a snack someplace fun maybe with a friend if you can----ideally you combine multiple sensory experiences at once. It can be hard to think of something fun when you're depressed so you pick something that you would typically find fun even if it doesn't seem fun now...

Big huge I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I'm praying you will feel better soon.

Only since Friday/Saturday which is hardly any time in the grand scheme of things but right now it seems like a long time...

I think somewhat like Kori I'm a bit under the weather physically too.



Anyway, I've just seen the GP who has assured me there's nothing to worry about physically. Since I've got an appointment on Tuesday with my p-doc they seemed content with not following things up themselves with regards to my mental health beyond what was said.

Anxiety seems to have been more of an issue today, but now I've seen the GP & that has died down a bit, I'm feeling pretty worthless again.

Of course all this is not helped by the fact I am now trying to keep away from smoking anymore cigarettes. Just one more complication I could do without right now.

Looks like I'm in for a fun week!

*edit* - yup... got some more cigarettes. That was just one battle I couldn't deal with right now... FML.

This might be not a good opinion/advice, but I say be gentle on yourself. I mean about the cigarettes. The most important thing here now is you have to be better mentally, your anxiety, your self esteem, etc. After that, you can work on the smoking problem again. Oh this is really not a good opinion, if others don’t get along with me I totally understand. How’s your Pdoc appointment, it’s Tuesday there isn’t it?