Roll Call 59

Well glad to say as predicted my mood is a little better tonight helped along by a couple of glasses of red wine which have gone to my head. Just going to watch some TV now before bed.

So I talked to my doctor, the BPD label was just slapped on in intake in the hospital because it was a self injury incident and my age, 21 female. they don't believe I have it, just schizoaffective disorder

The noise is really upsetting me. And anxiety is very bad.

Took my meds last night and slept for about 15 hours. My sister rang me 5 times and I didn't wake up, I was knocked out. Feel completely zombie-fied all day, it's such a horrible feeling. Not going to take them again, I feel so bad!

I wonder if that happened in my case too. I want to find out the origins of my labels. Lately I've been wondering if they're all wrong. Maybe I have schizoaffective and bipolar. How would I know? I get very irritable. Enraged.

made it thru the funeral and i even let myself cry in front of my family. so that is really huge. i am proud of myself

i love you anna and ill miss you

Look what I got in the mail today. They said it was going to be a t shirt. I guess they ran out.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

got a 50 on my music appreciation listening test.

in my defense im not good with classical music and my teacher is a bit of an ego having us write all these essays and papers for a summer school class on classical music. he right skipped modern music. all we are learning about is classical music. so that sums up music appreciation class is western classical music. which really sucks. AND he wrote the book. which i wont be keeping because its very concise and each category has 1 small paragraph to it.

this is not a good class. i wont be surprised if i fail but i will be pissed if i do since this class is very 1 sided.

You know it did settle down after a month but my baseline is still higher than on abilify and my sleep is messed up.

Hm, my sleep has been messed up too since the switch. :/ Maybe it's not going to get any better.

Had a great day, saw my therapist this morning, then shopped and came home and ordered pizza. Now reading the book "It" by Stephen King on my kindle.

whats everyone up to tonight?

i read what your up to bluebird.

im just doing schoolwork

Meds have worn off! Feel sooooo much better!

Newtus: is it normal to have classes during the Summer? We don't do that over here at all! Summer is for chillin'

i chose to do a class for summer because for one i knew id be bored during summer and two - i like school. its just kicking my butt right now. and my teacher has an ego.

my summer would be great if i had friends to hang out with and people to see and chill with and actual stuff to do but i dont. thats what its like with little to no friends. whats the point of summer if your chillin alone? whats the point of being bored? i had my summer in june. i didnt do school in june and half of may and i bugged the heck out of my mom. she told me to go find friends my own age. my dad works 48 hours a week so i cant do anything with him. so what else? might as well do school since i like school too.

you know what i mean?

loneliness.

Yeah I get you. I don't really have any friends either, just my fiance and his friends. I know I'm lucky to have even that though.

It's good you can do school to keep yourself occupied. I find when I'm working at something I enjoy my time off a lot more. I've gotten used to being bored which is really bad, I always had a job or was in college or that. Do you find it hard to stay motivated? That's my biggest drawback!

a find it quite hard to stay motivated. once i get into the hang of things i sometimes stay motivated but not always. maybe half the time. its gotten better as ive gotten into recovery. well...no it hasnt its actually stayed the same. but anyway yea i find it hard to stay motivated. i find it hard to stay on task. as if i have add/adhd or something. idk. its hard to keep my brain on one thing and i always multitask because i get bored doing just 1 thing. like i text and do school at the same time and i call my mom while i do schoolwork and i listen to music and dance while i play video games. i cant just do one thing at one time. i literally have to be doing two full things at one time. two FULL things.

i get bored very very very easily. if something doesnt capture my mind i get very restless and thats probably why i do two full things at a time and sometimes three things at a time. but that also triggers my anxiety but i need to do something to calm my restlessness so i do all that stuff.

You may have to go up in dose....

hey, I am taking music appreciation in the fall. REALLY hope i don't have to write papers. im kinda done w/ that crap!

when i went into the sanctuary where the casket and all the pictures were i lost it and walked out and sobbed. i sat down on this bench and my uncle came over and sat beside me and put his arm around me. that meant a lot to me. when my dad died i didn't cry at his funeral. it physically hurt holding back all those tears then. i was so scared of people seeing me suffer and also i didnt want the focus to be on me. so i think it was really huge that i let myself cry in front of my family this time and even better that my uncle was compassionate towards me. i feel very proud that i went to the funeral, cried, and managed and even supported my mom.

the procession to the burial site was interesting. im not sure if they do this up north or not, but here in the south people stop their cars in the road as the funeral procession drives by. its their way of showing respect. everyone was stopped and it was like time was frozen. it was weird in a way to see all the traffic stopped. one motorcyclist had even taken his helmet off.

overall, the service was nice albeit difficult for us. but we all held strong and supported each other. there were a lot of people at her funeral. it was so nice that all of her friends showed up. my grandma loved to play bingo and all her bingo pals showed up. my grandma was loved very much.

sorry to blab so much about this. i thank you guys for your support. it means a lot to me.

I have no energy today. I don't know why. I can't stay awake.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

who knows. i hope you dont. your lucky if you dont. my first week of school i had a paper due.

hopefully i remember to take my wellbutrin tomorrow morning. ive forgotten for over a week now.

I'm going to separate Aristotle into two categories. One on friendship and virtue and the other on his versions of the perfect life. I hope I'm able to do this. I have so many notes it's ridiculous. I don't know if I can do this one. Aristotle is an enigma to many philosophers which is why he gets a bad rap. I need to read the primary text, highlight, underline, tab, and take notes. If I don't do that then I'm going through other people's ideas on him. I have about 100 pages on selections of his main ethical treatise.

Here's to reading it! Cheers!

It's 4:38am and I still can't sleep even though I'm so exhausted. My paranoia won't let me sleep. I'm going to try to count to 100 over and over again to try to fall asleep. I keep hearing people at the door. I go and check I can hear people outside the door so I know they're waiting on me. I sent my ex in first and he hasn't responded saying since. I'm so scared. I'm terrified to sleep or do anything.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk