Roll Call 63...

My alcohol of choice is vodka or gin. Or beer. Or wine. Those are my favorites. Then we get down to tequila, run, peach schnapps... I try not to drink too much too often. There was a time when I was constantly drunk every. Single. Day. Day drinking and hiding bottles! Or mixing it with lots of cough medicine. Oh man, I used to be soooo bad. But I'm not like that anymore. I'm good.

Like seriously I didn't have alcohol one day and I literally had the shakes... A bit of a wake up call.

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i was looking thru my last birthdays cards and the one from my grandma was there. she signed it love anna. anna wasnt her name but thats what we all called her. that was my last card i got from her. i try so hard not to think about her and her death , to be honest im pretty good at it. but sometimes the sorrow seeps through. then i frantically find something else to do.

2:20 am and I'm up reading in the forums.. I really wish I could get my sleep schedule back on track. But at the same time its so peaceful at this hour..

Morning!

I seem to be having some trouble with my concentration... when I'm watching TV programmes it'll keep wandering & I'll end up looking things up on my laptop. Strange thing is, I can manage reading a book no problem so it's not a problem with my concentration in general. It's a bit irritating though.

I just smoked a cigarette and I didn't enjoy it at all and now I feel kind of sick.

Sorry to hear that, cigarettes have a way of coaxing you into thinking they'll be nice even when they won't.

I'm guessing you didn't go & buy new cigarettes, so it might just have been that it was stale if it's been sitting around for a while.

Hopefully that'll put you off wanting another one though.

Hi all. Baked brownies today for my bfs birthday. All this talk of rum I'm guna go and buy him some for a treat tonight, thanks for the idea guys! I went to a mental health day thing at the library and there was a woman there from a recovery college. I talked to her and said I'd be interested in working/helping out there and she seemed pretty keen, so I gave her my email. Hopefully it will come to something id love to help out part time while I'm at uni.
I'm feeling a lot better since my depot increase. Head is clearing and everything feels a lot calmer.

Oh my God, yes it does. I didn't want one at all but my ecig needed a new coil and I wasn't near them. Yes, it was an old old cigarette, stale and foul. But even fresh ones taste that way. Horrible. Once you quit for awhile you really taste how bad they are, and the effect on my lungs is horrible. I'm still panting. I hope that's my last one for all time.

morning

i had a dream my two other chickens got killed. i hope they are ok. my sister is coming into town today. my mom is really stressed out and was yelling at me when i woke up cuz shes trying to clean everything but wants no help. i have a headache cuz i couldnt sleep.

ill have some coffee i guess...

i remember smoking 0mg nicotine for 2 days then taking a hit of 6mg nicotine and feeling sick.

Good morning! Feeling 100% better

I'm still on 18 mg. Sometimes I mix a 6 mg juice with a 24 mg WTA juice. But I still feel sick from that cigarette. I don't think the nicotine made me sick, I think it was the cyanide and all the other poisons they add to them.

That's great!

Good morning!

There is an outbreak at my moms work and my mom is really sick. She finally caught it. For some reason I feel like she'll die but I'll ignore that thought...

6am, still dark and I walked to the gas station to get her ginger ale.

It was AMAZING like the perfect time with the moon and stars to match and I was hoping that it was morning (Cuz I'm sleeping a lot) and knew by looking at the angle of the suns reflexion on the moon. OCD didn't buy it until it got brighter and could also see the time on my phone cuz the Cogentin ruined my eye sight.

Amazing. I just love this alien world. Reminds me of when I was like 14 and I told my mom that I wanted to climb Mt Everest.

Every time I get my injection which was yesterday, the first day makes me feel like I'm in a dream and that it's not real it's weird.

I hope everyone's doing well eh?

Damn doped up schitzos..

Honestly I don't know how some can even have the motivation to post sometimes. I have to wait until a certain point where I'm not a vegetable.

That sounds like a fantastic thing to do! I hope it works out for you.

good morning. i slept well. i work 5 to 10 tonight. tomorrow i am going to see T earlier than usual bc we dont have group. he is opening up like a community treatment place and they are having their first opening tomorrow. i cant stay for it bc i am going to my moms house after... i hope lots of people come to it. on sunday my mom and i are going up to asheville to see my sister and go to the biltmore estate and the new outlet mall.

Right on about how cigarettes have this sneaky little way of making you think it'll be awesome when it's just eh. I've been trying to quit but damn it's a hard habit to kick. I've cut back A LOT though so I'm proud of myself for that!

Good to see you posting.

Yay I'm so glad things are looking up for you!

Whoo hoo for feeling better!

Also, I've been reading that book you recommended, it's so informative and explains a lot about me so thank you for the link yesterday! I'm going to reference that book today with my psychiatrist because I can forget what I'm going to say especially when I'm manic and/or psychotic.

I feel fantastic but yeah three hours of sleep last night and I'm bouncing off the walls and I couldn't find my phone last night so I totally tore apart my bedroom looking for it... I found it eventually, it was underneath my blankets on my bed, oops well that happened clear as a bell or well maybe I'm going to hell or heaven who knows these things?!

How often do you see your T? Just curious as I can tell he helps you a lot.

Thanks!

Well done on cutting back! I have too... I was smoking 25 a day but I've managed to cut back to 15. I might try cutting back to 10 sometime soon, just a case of being the right mind set!

The way I see it, the more I cut back then the easier it'll be to quit eventually.

Yeah, I used to smoke like 35 a day... I've cut it down to roughly 12 to 15 depending on the day. I was bad off when I was smoking that much, that was a couple of years ago... Just a bad year. I'm hoping to be able to cut it down to like 8 within a month or so.

i see him individualy 2 times a week, tuesdays and saturdays. i go to a womens trauma group he facilitates every saturday.

Oh okay. That's a lot of stuff, I'm glad it seems to help you. Having a trauma history is hard, I have one I just don't talk about it much... I only go to therapy once a week, I'm involved in support groups but that's for non trauma stuff.

Thank you loial and atypical