Roll Call 63...

I feel like my mood has shifted... Like I'm more tired. Apathetic. Almost sad. I... I think I've been slightly manic for quite a while. So alert so focused slightly psychotic not sleeping much. Now I'm down...

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Hey guys, it's very almost tomorrow for me, oh! nope. Now it's tomorrow. I've not been on for what seems like ages, and it took me awhile to get caught up as much as I could. My ipad is broken, so no more mobile posting for me. I'm super tired, so I'm going to go let time and gravity take its' toll. But I'm looking forward to talking to y'all soon.

Good morning all! I was finally up by 4! Now I just have to see if I can stay up. Having coffee.

Things are getting harder again. Being around people, going out, sleeping. The world has a dark tinge. It's blurring again. Everything feels wrong. The darkness from outside is invading the inside. Maybe it's the planetary alignment. I'm a channel through dimensions my powers are a danger but I'm not dangerous. Who can I trust. Don't know what to do.

Morning!

I've managed to eventually get around to doing some job hunting. Hate having to trawl through endless amounts of irrelevant or unsuitable postings to find just a few that might be ok.

Most promising one I found was a course administrator at a local Uni's business school. Unfortunatly they seem to want previous experience in a "busy administrative role", which I don't have. Been trying to figure out if I can blag some experience somehow but I don't think I can.

Found another two that I might apply for, one was just a basic admin job with mediocre pay but the other seems to be aimed at graduates with career progression opportunities although the job description is so vague I've no idea what it entails... I think it's a new company because their webpage is a single page with "web page under development" at the top.

I'll aim to do a little job hunting every day from now on, so hopefully that'll give me some more opportunities although going on past experience I think finding 3 in one day is pretty lucky....

Hey Loial, you can still try for that position. If you interview well they might be willing to take a chance on you despite no experience.

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My pdoc agreed for me to try stopping the 2 meds I felt like I don't need anymore, I am still on my 3 main medications and 2 prns

morning.

drinking root beer and coffee.

i was gonna goto the fair today but i decided not to. i think im denying how down i still feel. i dont feel like doing anything yet i want to do things.

I want coffeeee. Can't have it yet though.

I've been listening to the kpop mix that youtube picked out for me and it's "fantastic baby." Also, I'm cleaning out my closet and realized that I'm a collector of odd coats and hats. I could totally dress up like Edward Gorey for halloween.

im cleaning my house for when my sister comes today. i cleaned a lot already. my cat is drooling all over me. i hate that!

The noise started about half an hour ago. Oh my God it's so disruptive. I've been fully appreciative of the quiet I've had the past two weeks. I guess he has a part time job now and hasn't been home. All I know is that when he's not around there's blessed peace.

I'm very scared about the pdoc appointment tomorrow. I don't know if I can make it.

I got an inexpensive Lumia phone to play with and it somehow signed me out of Tapatalk on my Android after I signed into Tapatalk on the Lumia. Confusing stuff. But it's a cool little phone and fun to add to my small collection.

You will make it. I know you have a lot of anxiety over it but it's better to just get it out the way. Imagine all the extra anxiety you'll have to go through again if you don't go...

I've joked before about how I can basically open up my own little pharmacy of psych meds because geez yeah I know what you mean.

Yes, that's true. Somehow it helps though to think that I can call in sick instead of going, even though I have every intention of going. It like a pressure release valve. But I need my meds and I don't want to go through begging the primary care doctor for refills and being turned down.

I just wish I didn't have to go. My body is really aching today. I'm so tired. Thanks, though, Loial.

That definitely helps me too - the option to call in sick instead of going. I always go, but it helps to not feel trapped when I remember I can call in sick.

I just came back from getting labs drawn and from going to Target. I was super scared to do that.

I hate going to Target but we needed stuff. Usually my husband goes with me, but that didn't work out over the weekend. I feel like I'm going to drown when I go in there, it's so big. But it's better than Wal Mart. *shivers*

Yay! I'm glad you got those things done! That's very brave. I hate getting blood drawn, etc. And seeing new people I've never been to before like the pdoc tomorrow. I'm glad you got your Target trip done. I haven't been inside a big store since over two years now (and then it was only Walgreens).

i dont like going to big supermarkets. i can go but for short periods of time. they make me paranoid. i remember one major episode that started when i was in a target and i thought everyone in there was thinking about murdering me and i couldnt find my way out. i used to work at a wal mart and that was torture

Been reading about high expressed emotion in schizophrenia families and the stress vulnerability model. My cpn said she thinks my problems are related to stress and I thought she was minimising things but turns out stress is a major factor in relapse of symptoms in sz. I didn't know that. Been reading a lot about sz and how it relates to me. I can see it all. My story makes sense. But am I faking. Is it all a lie. Maybe I want to be ill. But no I don't. I'm not lying. Why do I feel like a fake when it fits. This is the people who said I was lyings fault. They have damaged how I think. My parents are classic examples of high EE. My prodromal phase was misdiagnosed and now I think I'm a liar and a fake. But I don't have what they said I did it doesn't fit. Need to learn to trust what they say now. Try and think they aren't playing games. Messing with me. No they are trying to help. I wrote down all my problems and its a 'classic case'. Even my hostile disbelieving parents believe I have sz. So I need to accept it.

i hate seeing new doctors too. i really need to find a primary care physician but i am too scared. i got up the nerve with the help of my T to call one to make an appointment but the receptionist told me she is not accepting new patients. i would much prefer a female doctor but i have anxiety abt calling people on the phone anyway so coupled with having to go see some stranger doctor makes it even worse for me. but i have run out of some of my meds. they are not psych meds but i still feel like a dope bc i havent done anything about it yet.

I know how you feel. It's the same here too, I can't find doctors who are accepting new patients. I tried to find an orthopedist, etc with no luck. So I'm stuck with that clinic. I hope you will make an appointment soon and get your meds!

i need a referral to a dermatologist. i am concerned about getting skin cancer. i have a high risk for it. my dad died from it and my mom has a non-deadly form of it.i am very pale with freckles and ive had to have moles removed before because they were suspect. i am kinda too scared to go and have someone tell me i have cancer. would i want to know??????? idk.

sorry i am rambling

You probably don't have skin cancer because you're so young, but yes you should get a dermatologist now so you'll have one if anything unusual happens. I know how hard it is!

i stayed out of my bed today to spend time with my sister. but i got back in bed after. im like dying from having no motivation. NOT LITERALLY. but its like a death or a depression. im just not wanting to do anything. i feel 0 energy for life. i feel so miserable.

I feel energized now for some reason. I didn't order any food so all I have to eat here is a little peanut butter (no bread or crackers), a few slices of cheese, and two old waffles in the freezer. And my last can of tuna. That should be more than enough through tomorrow though.

junkDNA - I can't imagine the hell of working at Wal Mart! That place is just so cavernous, it makes me act out every time I go in there. That's why I prefer Target, all the stuff I buy is in the front right quadrant of the store so I can make fast trips. My pharmacy is there too right at the front of the store so I don't have to go too far into the store.