Roll Call 72

I'm sick of obsessing over these stupid drugs. I just want to live my * life

Edit: It's about *** **** time

Grr am I doing the right thing?

Edit: A thx will be enough I'm tired of being called a drug addict cuz I'm not. I just want content. ugh

What right thing? I read your posts but I'm not sure what you decided.

Just this attitude towards my treatment. I just let things happen and accept it like it's the same as when I refused all the benzos. If I didn't do that, I'd be on like 3mg Klonopin and popping Ativan all the time =[

Nobody knows your body better than you, so you should definitely take a proactive role when you see your psychiatrist.

Sometimes you have to compromise, sometimes you don't.

Thank you. My first psychiatrist was terrible didn't care at all. "It's not my fault if you commit suicide".. Inpatient psychiatrist was awesome because we all sat down, pharmacist, psychologist, psychiatrist, note writing psych nurse, social worker and just talked things out. I knew with the little knowledge that i have in comparison that I knew giving the Abilify just one more chance would work and refused the benzos because i knew I didnt need them and he respected me for that. Nurses saying oh yknow watch the 18-21 year olds with the benzos. I confronted him asked what he said he denied it like when he was talking about me and i confronted him again and he said i was hearing voices AND THAT IF I QUESTION ANYMORE ID GET LOCKED UP IN THE SIDE ROOM im so mad at that. I had a reason to hate those nurses. but anyways...

He worked in Dublin, Ireland and talked with a guy for 4 hours in the hospital and he said he wasn't that suicidal. Sorry if anyones triggered by that.

It's crazy. "1 in 100 succeed when using pills" k damn.. I was full blown psychotic and he gave me 5mg Abilify. I was hearing voices the first time I ever saw him "Schizotypal" like I mean schizophrenia was obvious but apparently its OCD. I know schizophrenia is a hefty label but I need honesty. And the judgement of the stimulants like "You cant lie about the papers for ADHD" Well damn. I'm not selling the stimulants to my friends. First off, I was suicidal and I don't even have friends. My family bought "The beautiful mind" to watch in the hospital because I was hallucinating really bad.

People phoned him saying he doesnt talk much. Psychologist said that a relationship is the most important because get this..

If you hate the treatment, or dont get along with the psychiatirst, youre not going to take the advice seriously.

Im not a junky i just want help. I have high expectation I want a job a life I dont want disability i know i can function because these meds work so well.

Feeling bad today after therapy and group. At my mom's but she just went to work. There's just so many bad feelings and memories coming up. I'm trying my best to cope but it's so hard and I'm tempted to resort to my old coping mechanisms. I told my t I want to disappear like I wasn't even here before so no one would get sad or upset. I asked if he's mad that I'm talking like that. He said no I wish I could take it away. I don't believe him though. He's probably frustrated with me. He said hang in there... I don't feel like he cares. I feel alone

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This is just my opinion though, DNA, but I've read your posts about your T in past. I think he's a very cool T and a sincere person. I don't think he's frustrated with you instead, he really cares about you. Hope you feel better soon

You seem to have a severely dependent on your therapist for emotional support. The solution is to control the emotions with thought so the emotions don't control you I think idk. I have a ton of papers and notes from my therapists and even though we had good relationships, I had to leave the hospital eventually and not coming back is apart of that connection. I'd mention that to him and see what he says because for me, it's knowledge with my psychologist like in the last session I didn't know if thinking and hearing the thought as voices even existed let alone apart of psychosis and he said yes.

from everything you've said about t it sounds like he cares.

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Made it to the grocery store and to pick up meds. It was my favorite pharmacist working so I have my fingers crossed that she's not poisoning me.

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Man, I hear you because I've been there.

I know the psychiatrists, psychologists, nurses, etc. have a difficult job, for they see patient after patient after patient who has this problem or that problem.

But here's the deal: Nobody put a gun to their heads and forced them to take those jobs. AND WE'RE REAL PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS WHO DESERVE REAL COMPASSION AND REAL TREATMENT.

And if they can't handle that they should get another job.

Yes, I am pretty attached to my therapist. We have discussed that a few times. Thanks for your thoughts... I wish I wasn't this way and I don't really understand it myself honestly. And I judge and hate myself for it.

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I grew up with no one to talk to. My dad abused us and then he died and them my mom pretty much disappeared. My therapist is pretty much the only person I feel comfortable talking to about my emotions ..aside from here and group (sometimes). I don't know why I'm trying to explain I guess I just um... I don't know. I feel like you're telling me I'm ****ed up

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By us I mean me and my sister

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I don't know you enough to make that judgement. Initially, i know shots were fired but you are awesome. Emotions can be strong and we all know this very well.

We have addictive personalities we all good. Just wondering.

But Newtus on the other hand... no no just kidding xd

Edit: Sorry about your past though. As I've said, I don't know you well enough.

its ok....

im sitting by the fire watching the flames and drinking coffee.... my t texted me . he said hes not tired of me and he said i care about you. i still cant stop being tearful right now . i am going to do some of my healthy coping skills and hop ethat helps

My dad was abusive too (to me and my mom), and yeah he passed away too. I know how it feels, I wish I could say something better but I couldn't. I am just gonna say, you are not alone

i am sorry the same situation happened to you. i find it very confusing. thanks for sharing that.

I hope it will help too. I just read your post in the SHAME thread. I think maybe those thoughts about your old T are part of Stockholm syndrome. I know the mood you are posting from. I've been abused badly at times in my life but I always, or most of the time, feel like I forgive them, and the hatred just isn't there. But for me to feel that way, I have to be removed from and safe from the abuser.

There are also times when my anger flares up and I just hate them.

Thank you... maybe you're right. About the Stockholm syndrome. My t has mentioned that bwfore. Everything is just so confusing

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Well said. My best friend is a doctor and sometimes she said things like "you are not a doctor, you don't know how it feels to carry those burdens all of the time". I answered "Well then I miss you before you wear that white coat".

Got a manicure today with my sister

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Done another few pages on my story. Talked to a few close friends here. Played pokemon with my sister. My night was fun. Hope you guys have a great night tonight too. Time for me to hit the bed

I went to Wal mart and bought my mom a valentine's card Cuz I love her and never want her to die

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