[spiritpanda]

I've been fine but last night it started up again. I was in the dark and I saw movement on my walls. I thought it was the lights outside than when I turned over, I swore I saw a giant snake looming over my bed. I kicked my leg and open my eyes and it was gone. I chalked it up to thinking about a movie I watched awhile ago. than today when I got in the bus, there was a certain seat I want but it was occupied so I grabbed another. 2 seconds later I looked and there was no one there. I asked of someone was sitting there and everyone told me no one was. I again chalked this up to something this time me being tired since I woke up 3 times during the night but I was fully aware.the icing on the cake though was when I thought my name was being called at work but no one had called me at all so all I got was stares and people asking of I was OK since only 2 customers know my name and the usually people who call me weren't there since everyone else knows what to do and doesn't bother me unless needed. maybe I was just tired but the last time this happened, I was nearly run over crossing the highway from work to get home or I go home, break down and have the ambulance called on me for a psychotic break

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[ickydog2006]

Did you go off meds recently? Things go downhill pretty quickly for me, so now when symptoms first start up I get voluntarily admitted til my meds can be properly adjusted.

[spiritpanda]

not really on meds. when I was and got off, nothing really happened. I don't suffer side effects and I usually chalk this up to for example if anti depressants aren't working, than I was never really depressed in the first place because once I'm off, there is no change in my brain wave function or behavior. I've talk to my doctors about this but they never really give me a straight answer. even in the hospital, they just put me on some type of pill and send me on my way once I say those magic words "I don't see anything , hear any voice or have an urges to cut" and off I go back into society.

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[DutchCount]

How long have you been off the meds? Did you quit entirely at once or build down over time?

I think if you quit cold turkey the meds might still be in your system for a while, and it takes a while before you get to the point were the drug level is nil.

(Correct me if I'm wrong though.)

[spiritpanda]

anything I take leaves my systems after about 2 days ( weird I know but my body rejects medications due to twice overdosings) I didn't really stop cold turkey. I told my doctors after 3 months I feel no changing and asked to have my meds increased or changed but I've been on almost everything under the sun and some I even maxed out on some of then and they still don't do anything to me. problem really is what's going on. the whole seeing things thing has always been an issue anyways, I just learned to ignore but my defenses have been weak lately.

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[JohnnyT1990]

why do you guys discontinue meds so often? if you do not mind me asking

[spiritpanda]

I only do it after nothing happens for a least 3+ months. I refuse to keep taking something does not doing a least something no matter how little it is or makes me feel sick as a dog

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[JohnnyT1990]

I understand, but isn't a three month period for certain people (everyone is different I know but...) the amount of time it might take for the medicine to take hold and work with the body? Have you not seen any improvement over the course of 3+ months?

[spiritpanda]

for me, my meds work in as little as 3 weeks. imma try and hold out until I see a doctor. don't want to resort to my usual method off dealing

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[ickydog2006]

With mental health issues our perceptions are often skewed. Do your friends/family see a change when you are on meds. It has taken years for Dr's to find the right blend to work for me.

Johnny, there are a lot of reasons we go off meds. Some feel like they don't work, some feel like they are unnecessary and they can live with their symptoms. Some are so used to being 'ill' that when we do start to feel what other's think is 'nomal' it is not what we are used to and it freaks us out. Some have a hard time dealing with side effects. Some don't trust doctor's. The side effects from antipsychotics can be very dangerous and debilitating, so even though I know the devastating consequences that would happen for me if I went off meds, it's hard not to think about. And although the voices were never positive (always ambivalent or scary) especially when I first started taking meds, but even occasionally now, I miss them because they were reliable/always there.

[spiritpanda]

my mother says she sees a difference but nothing changes even when I don't take it. its just the fact is everyone thinks I'm clinically depressed when in fact I'm not. I can get tmyself out of my funks without any help only because sometimes I don't want to get out of it just yet because if I do, I'll have to deal with the shadow creatures I buried away and they aren't usually to happy because inusually just flood my brain woth noises or surround myaelf with people. i'm usually grabby because i want to make sure i'm still in the real world since i can get the immaterial world mixed with the material world very easily and lose my grip on reality, thus leading to my episodes, suicide attempts and hospital stays. I usually just self medicate so to speak in figurative terms to deal because my mother doesn't understand, my sister being a APN says I need to be locked away do I don't give mom anfly more grief, my brother doesn't know and he shouldn't because he has a life to focus on, so here I am suffering alone. sometimes I do just let the shadow creatures come like i did when i was younger so i wouldnt be alonr so I know what you mean on reliability and them always being there. I still remember all of there names and each of there colors, as well as temperaments.

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[ickydog2006]

All I can do is encourage you to be completely open with your Dr's and hospitalizations aren't the worst thing. You're right, you are facing this mostly alone because others around you can't experience it. It took a long time to find meds that worked and I didn't have severe reactions to. It was scary and painful, and although the hallucinations were scary I still miss them at times because theyou were my constant, they were there during my loneliest moments. But I'm thankful I can now live in the material world and not be dragged into the other one. It makes it so I can have meaningful relationships and I don't have to be so alone and scared all the time.

[spiritpanda]

I know what you mean. I can barely keep straight with my gf and although she is supportive, I feel guilty putting her through this. I even madr it appoint to talk with her and see where we can stand with this after my doctor's appointment Monday. I'm somewhat tired of having to grab onto things just to see of they are soild or constantly feeling the presence of the shadow creatures on the times I can neither see nor hear them, tired of blasted my ears with noise just to stop thinking about stuff. its not so much honesty, its just the last time I told them, I was admitted for evaluation. like I don't mind but I have work and other responsibilities I need to take care off.

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[ickydog2006]

I can totally get that. My last hospitalization lasted almost a month and my parents had to come help my husband raise our son (was 4 at the time I think). I was involved in leadership and that time I thought they'd give me a couple days to wrap things up and try to make arrangements. Nope, you got one hour at home to pack (and the only reason they gave me that is because they were sending me to one 5 hrs away and the car had just brought someone back and was an hour out, and I had a history of going willingly.

[spiritpanda]

I just think the hospital is a waste of everyone's time. its easy to get out if you go voluntarily and that's what I usually do especially since I'm an adult. and the creatures keep constsnly telling me, they even warn me in a sense. unlike usual, because they are split off from me when k was a kid and changed, they don't tell me to do any harm, they just hijack my brain so to speak and do the harming themselves leaving me "sleeping" and once I wake up, k have no idea what happened until someone tells me or I have to deduce what happened by putting the clues together. I don't hear them talk nor can I see them clearly unless they are getting ready to take over. if I think to much, it gives them an opening, if I feel any type of strong emotion, they take over and when I do hear them, they automatically take over. only thing I can do to stop them is either drown them out but flooding my brain with noise, or not feel any type of strong emotion. I try not to think to hard so I have to constantly distract myself. it leaves Mr exhausted but at least it helps shimmer them out because the more faded they become, the better for me

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[JohnnyT1990]

i see...all of this makes sense to hear. it is familiar. I just think the irrational thought that psychosis causes is very debilitating just the same (if not more) than the side effects of antipsychotics. dont get me wrong, i know that sometimes medication can exacerbate symptoms and make things worse for the patient, but isn't the skewed logic something you should work to alleviate? i do not want to sound harsh or misunderstanding, i just view the effects of psychosis as unbearable and what not.