Roll Call 86

I hope it helps.

Boy they really make a killing doing nothing.

My mom called me a deadbeat.

[\trigger]
At this point i shouldve offed myself a year ago.

Feeln really sui right now

Edit::/ just gonna goto bed right now. Please dont worry about me. I just...want to be alone[/trigger]

Idk how to do it

Please forgive me

Excuse profanity but "f.ck no!" Neither did coming home on the bus. they basically told me for the second time I wasn't hearing anything or seeing anything!! the ER doc said I was self diagnosing myself when I said I used to be bulimic 13-18 I said just because I didn't get mental health help for it doesn't mean it went on?!?!

The ER doc said "you be wandering the community not medicated" l was like "excuse me first you say it's not happening, then you say i am not medicated or obviously not taking my meds. what is it do you believe me or not?" I never got answer she just kept saying if the voices are this bad take topamax 25mg for lunch time I told her I was confused she kept saying the same thing over and over again like doctor speak like I was going to get it, why oh why do they do this? Because I still had the old prescription.

Then when I got home I went into the office and staff was judgemental not open minded actually told me that "l was trying to seek help because someone was replace my mother then also said because I was lonely and that I needed large amounts of friends other then then the two I have in real life as well as I just need to get on with life(because I'm depressed)"

I called the crisis line next thing I knew I was in hospital because of my voices/psychosis!

I hate the local hospital because of my previous dx of bpd they basically treat you like you are attention seeking and don't understand you why or understand that over and over again you say that the voices told you to hurt yourself like OD no one would ever sit down and give you the time of day about why or what was really happening they were either really busy or like Flash Gordon.

But it's been two years personally, since that hell!!!

Please don't. Your mom sounds toxic. No one to listen to. You deserve to be treated better. be gentle with yourself.

Ugh I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know what is wrong with some doctors. They certainly don't belong treating people.

Nevermind....

I'm feeling hopeless. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I'm kind of tired of fighting.

I'm sorry you are struggling right now.

Sorry im not supportive right now. Im not feeling my best either. But i wish everyone the best.

I just realized i talk reallllllyyy slowww.

My dad has also said i have a really slow response time and processing speed in my brain.

Is this due to meds? I watched myself on video and its like extremely slow. If it was any slower, id be stuttering.

I also noticed when when i went into my appt for something the person evaluating me spoke fast and i felt like i didnt have a chance to even talk.

My rate of speech isn't slow but it's slower than it used to be. I think it's from my brain not processing as fast as it did. I definitely think it's the meds.

I feel bad...

I didnt have enough money for groceries so i bought fast food for dinner.

It wasnt until after i ate it that i looked up the calories. Almost 2000 for the whole meal including the drink.

Makes me want to throw it up but i wont. I dont do that.

[tigger]Don't die Newtus we will all miss you. I might die in my sleep tonight too tbh[/tigger]

My step dad won the lottery and didn't tell her. She threatened to sue him for half if she doesn't give him 100 thousand.

So hopefully I can lower my rent to 800 or something instead of a 1000 a month.

My step dads ex wife has alimony on him and she doesn't know how much money she has so I'm going to blackmail him.

Because I hate him.

newtus get yourself to hospital if your feeling that way we care about you

my mom called me "evil" for being trans...

also said I was "psychologically ill" because I thought that way.

I'm so sorry. That's no way for a mother to talk to her child. Maybe she just needs time to come to terms with it. I don't know. I do know if it were my child I would feel a little sad because of how hard it is to be trans but I would support them 100%. I certainly wouldn't call them evil or psychologically I'll. I'm so sorry.

Good morning everyone. Having a rough morning over here. I hate being sick. I see a long nap in my future. I wish it were a snow day so my kids would be home. At least I have my dogs to keep me company.
I hope everyone has a better day.

Morning.

Im just laying here

is it wrong of me to get upset when people mistake me for being "pure black", (which isn't even possible in America I think) I don't mind if they make an honest mistake and are surprised to find out I am biracial,but it gets on my nerves when they honestly believe I am african or something,

I don't look african and I get that some people think all black people look african, but what really surprises me more is when people think it's obvious to tell when someone is biracial, it's not always obvious and black people in America are never "pure black" unless they are from African immigrant families and not descended from slaves

I thought the world wasn't ignorant about black people anymore, i thought that people could see that black people come in all different colors, but nope. Apparently if you don't have brown hair, green eyes and pale skin you can't possibly be biracial. (And newsflash; I do have naturally brown hair that I dye black)

edit;
Maybe it's not so much that that upsets me, it's just how ignorant people can be
It reminds me of being in school with people who felt like I needed to be reminded i was black, this coming from both black and white people. Like, the black kids thought i thought I was better than them. They had to remind me that I needed to like Beyoncé and I needed to listen to rap and eat fried chicken and dance and sing r&b...
While the white kids felt I was so different from them that the only way they could relate to me was if they were shouting out black stereotypes as if my life were everything they'd heard about in a movie, "hey kori, say something gangster for us!" Riiiiiight like i know all about gangsters growing up in a small, minnesota farm town

It just pisses me off that people are still so ignorant about black people today, i bet these people I was talking to earlier felt that the stereotypes still fit when it came to black people, like they are funny, eating fried chicken, have a million children if they are over the age of 14, etc.

It's soooooo annoying that i can't go anywhere without people thinking i am a part of the stereotypes just by looking at me without getting to know me or even taking the time to think that maybe not all black people act that way

I understand that a lot korianders.

People have the nerve to say "hey girrrrlll" to me. Like i somehow respond to ghetto-ness.

In high school black people picked on me for being a little bit more light skinned than them and for dating white guys and hanging out with white people. Punk rockers. White people somehow accepted me because i liked the same music as them. Rock music and thrash. I had very little liking to rap music.

I still get called the n word and have ghetto sayings tossed at me from time to time. It really brings me down. Especially hearing young people say it because i expect older people to think that way but not young people.

With trump being the president now, its more commonly i hear people spouting hate than when obama was in office because trump is spreading a lot of hate, directly and indirectly.

Its the most beautiful day today.

77 degrees. Everything is blooming. The grass is green.

Happy first day of spring!