Roll Call 86

Morning

Past two days i feel like i havent been getting enough sleep but im sleeping 10-12 hours

Thankfully I'm not cos I slept so much. Usually if I so much as breathe around alcohol I have a hangover haha.
What're your plans for the day?

Is it maybe fatigue your experiencing?

No plans for the day. Just hanging out with my daughter and dogs while my husband and son cut trees. It's freezing cold out. Even the dogs don't like it lol. How about you?

I never feel like I get enough sleep even when I nap all day. I think it's from the meds.

The weather sounds like it's a bit all over the place where you are atm lol. What dogs do you have?
Been to a cafe and had a nice lunch. Just chilling out at home now

I have a beagle, a pit bull/shepherd mix, and a pit bull/boxer mix. They are all rescues. I love them.
The weather has been crazy. A couple weeks ago it was in the 50s and now we are in the 20s with a wind chill of 10. It's freezing.

Yea it could be fatique.

It could be from taking my medicine irregularly and messing with it. Im not sure.

Depression can have that affect...
Have you thought bout getting a pet? Kitler helped me so much!

I used to get soooo paranoid working MH inpatient, like they somehow knew about me and would stop me from leaving the ward at home time. And that was before I was ever hospitalised! I can do the community environment without a problem, just not inpatient.

Well I kept trying to cross over, which they objected to, but there are no more opportunities to do so anymore since Xmas, so I don't understand why I can't go home. But they say I can't look after myself (which I can) so they want me to go to a rehab unit, so I'm on the waiting list for that. The meds they give me don't work so I'm supposedly treatment resistant. I tried clozapine but it gave me neutropenia so they had to stop it and I'd only titrated to 75mg (dose goes up to 900mg but 200-300mg is the start of therapeutic doses in most people). So I'm back on olanzapine, not because it works but because they insist on giving me some sort of meds while I'm here. But I might try clozapine again when I get to rehab if they liaise with haematology about amended monitoring levels because the rehab pdoc is supposed to be an expert and I'd like to give it a shot before I rule out APs completely.

ETA: most of the staff are nice to me most of the time and I haven't been restrained & injected since Christmas.

How are you enjoying your new job? I don't know how you manage working ?full time and struggling. I couldn't do it. You're doing well, good on you

*Willow*

Oh and thank you to everyone for the hugs and good wishes. I've missed you guys

*Willow*

Is it depression? Or boredom? I used to nap because of those reasons. Or maybe you have chronic fatigue syndrome like my mum has??

*Willow*

I'm sorry the meds aren't working, could you maybe look into talking therapy instead? I've found it really helpful. I think there should be a movement away from medication, it's seen as the be all and end all and it shouldn't be.
I'm enjoying working but the job is stressful. I haven't been very stable since I started and it's affected how I manage. It's strange even now when I'm on meds I don't feel like I used to. I feel like I've changed. There's always a layer of unreality. Maybe I've forgotten what normal is.
Thanks for the reassurance. I often feel like I'm no good at my job or at functioning in general.
What kinds of things do you get up to in hospital? Are there any activities or therapies?

I'm not sure what it is. It could honestly be any of the three.

I get why people want meds to help because it's easier (and cheaper) to prescribe me a pill than provide therapy. But I don't want a sticking plaster or to be dependent on doctors, I want to learn better ways of helping myself. I've asked about therapy but the psychologist said I was too fixed on my 'delusions' to benefit from it, which is rubbish. These things can still be real and I can learn better ways of coping with them. It's not either or! I'm hoping rehab will have a better therapist.

I don't do any ward activities. I stay in my room the entire time I'm on the ward. Otherwise the other patients scream at me. Luckily I have escorted leave with my mum in the afternoons. And I pretty much sleep all morning because of the olanzapine drugging. But they have OTs who do a different activity each morning and sometimes stuff in the afternoons. I'm hoping the people at the rehab place will be calmer because they want me to participate in the activities. Part of it is lack of motivation. I'm not depressed but I have very little interest in anything.

You have always been really hard on yourself from what I can tell on here. So you're probably doing waaaay better than you give yourself credit for. I can relate to changing. I am very different now than I used to be even a couple of years ago. I think going through stuff like this makes you more resilient. I'm never going to go back to how I used to be, even the Drs admit their drugs can't do that for me, so it's about making the best of what I've got. I think you're doing a great job

*Willow*

I did a online CBTi course (CBT for insomnia) last year because I was only sleeping 1-2hrs a night for ages. It taught me how little sleep we actually need. Like we only really need to catch up a ⅓ of our missed sleep. Plus how bad naps were. They should be avoided at all costs or a max of 20 mins by early afternoon, no later. Sleeping only 1-2hrs for so long really showed me that I didn't need as much sleep as I thought. And I couldn't nap at all, I just couldn't sleep, so it got me out of that bad habit which I'd been in for years, and I always find something else to do instead of nap now. Eg watching a DVD in bed is better than napping but still requires zero effort. Do you ever feel less tired after sleeping all day and all night? I never did. In fact, the less a person does, the less energy they have. That's why I hate the olanzapine making me sleep 12 hours a day. I feel so lazy.

Anyway it might be worth seeing your GP to rule out vitamin deficiencies, hypothyroidism etc and ask about chronic fatigue. At least then you know if it could be depression, boredom or meds to talk to your pdoc about.

*Willow*

Wow i just took like a 3 hour nap

I have a cat and a dog and a chicken

Idk ive been thinking about that stuff

People say having a pet is so comforting to them and like therapy but i just dont feel that way. People say the same thing about music moving them but i dont feel that way.

Sometimes i wish i was in the hospital. Sometimes im glad im out!

Why do you want to be in a hospital

I see my go on Monday so I will talk to her then.
I never feel rested no matter how little or how much I sleep. Thank you for the help.

I think part of me thinks it could be a chance to get away and disconnect from people. But im glad im not there because it makes no sense to be there. Plus my whole life IS trying to be with people.

Idk i just want my time alone but then i dont.

I hate the hospital. Too much abuse there going on.

I wish people would give me a chance. I wish my friends would make time for me. I always make time for them.

That's odd to me because you write a lot about being alone and feeling lonely

Today I got like about 9hours of sleep but hallucinated for about 3 hours or something along those lines or maybe I am in psychosis again I'm not really sure I just know I lied to my mom 3 times last night it didn't occur to me to say anything like it is a lie but today I woke up and realized that I did it but didn't feel guilty whatsoever at all just believed my lies myself pretty fed up!

I'm still depressed an contacted the crisiscentrechat.ca last night just before I went to bed it's strange how they want me to cope but I physically and mentally cannot I'm slipping can feel it! They asked if was Sui or homicidal? I basically told them there was no reason for either. They asked me what I was doing for the rest of the evening and I said going to bed considering it was almost 1am.

So how's everyone else?