ParRoll Call 97

Haha, technology brings me joy.

Technology brings me joy too

i am feeling sad...
feels like my life is just zooming by and i am not doing **** with it

Same here kori, same here

Im having a decent day. Better than yesterday kinda which is sad. I saw mt therapist and pss today. Talked a lot to my T about my mom and to my pss about this new guy. My t wanted to talk about my mom. I didnt. But i did anyway.

So the day went pretty well. Spent a lot of time driving, getting used to driving stick shift. Still a little notchy on the down shifts, got the upshifts down to an art. Only time I stalled the vehicle late tonight was when I mistakenly tried to start from a stand still in 3rd gear when I meant to be in 1st. :P But all in all, my wife was impressed at how well I did considering I've only drove stick a handful of times before.

I'm starting to feel really down. It's weird. With my anhedonia it's hard to feel any emotion. But when I'm off work for more than a couple days I start to feel this physical depression where my head feels like it weighs a ton. I don't know how to solve it either other than work related stuff. I think it's because i'm not social enough. I went to the library and to the bar today. I also talked briefly with my roommate, but it's not the same as being at work where I'm working on all gears.

Even when I went to college I would get this depression from being away from my trade for too long. It's like my brain needs to have me do manual labor because that's the environment it's use to. Strange that when I was my happiest, when I was completely consumed in the university environment, is when my illness struck. The complexity of working part time, school, single life, bills, and constant depression cracked me. I could handle only a handful of weighty problems at a time, apparently not all at once though.
Strange that it was my happiest because it was also was a lot of pressure. But I didn't mind it, I loved it...

You're wife is great. I would be stressed out watching my partner stall out. I remember going forward and backward, forward and backward, when I got my first vehicle, a Ford Ranger stick shift. Do you like driving a stickshift more than an automatic? I do.

Do you think it might just be the endorphins released by exercise? Do you work out on your days off?

Yeah, we're both in this together we are both getting used to driving stick shift again. I do like it more, once I get to the point where I stop thinking about it and it becomes muscle memory.

I feel sooo much better now not having those meds today.

Im prob going out on a date with that guy tomorrow. He wants to take me to eat but i asked for a coffee instead because i cant eat in front of people

If you go, I hope it will be a lot of fun.

I wish I had one of my good, expensive sets of headphones here now. It would be nice to listen to music. All I have here are cheap ear buds. Oh well. It still wouldn't block out these jerks.

Hmmm, that's possible. But when i would work out every other day and not go to work i would still feel this weighty depression, especially when i didn't work for long periods of time. When i said i worked out, i mean i had a pretty tight resistance training routine followed by running a mile and then 10 minutes of stretching.

Also, around 530pm, after work most of the time, i would start to feel this weight. It's my body telling me I'm tired. I use to just masturbate or have sex when this would happen and it would pick me right up out of it for the rest of the day! I still feel the physical pleasure from it but not so much the mental after glow, the euphoria because of the anhedonia. So now i have a tougher time getting out of the rut. Then i could go about enjoying my day cooking chili while listening to something subtle but nice, maybe even educational. But those days are long gone because nothing really brings me pleasure anymore. I just have to mechanistically do stuff now knowing it wont bring me pleasure but that its suppose to be healthy. Honestly, i don't want to live in this dreary, mechanistic world I've been plotted in. Not one bit.

I was about to buy a mazda3 but i hated it only because it was an automatic. I will not own an automatic because i find stick shifts so much fun. Plus, aren't they suppose to last forever?

Taking my night meds early tonight and headed to bed. Have a good night everyone.

I'm sorry you are sad.

Kori, maybe you could nudge your family to go on a vacation together. When was the last time your family did that? If it's existential, then maybe you could go a community college nearby? Is there one? You could just look for a couple fun courses to take. Who knows, maybe something will crystalize!

I think it always feels that way when you're young because so many people around you are doing different things.....I swear though once people get a little older they are all about watching as much tv as they can or playing on the internet all day, they just want a break......

I have a bad back. I have 2 ruptured disks and an annular tear. My back hasn't gone out in a couple years but it feels like it's on the verge. God I hope it doesn't go out. I don't need the excruciating pain. I'm sitting with my heating pad trying to help it.

That sounds terrible valley.

I use to have constant lower back pain until I started to stretch 10 minutes a day. It made a HUGE difference!!! It totally got rid of my sciatica Also, your back needs muscles to keep it aligned and to walk straight and sit up straight so it doesn't go tired and slouch. Walks help. I'm not certain of back workouts that could help that...

Well I slept last night thank goodness....but now my eye is twitching....I don't understand why I'm still stressed......

Glad you got some sleep. Sorry you are still anxious. I hope it passes quickly.