ParRoll Call 97

Yea he does cuz my ex pressured me to have sex and i eventually lost my virginity

Post away, or PM me if you want.

How 'self-sufficient' do you really need to be?? As long as you can afford it (however you get your money, whether parents or benefits etc) and love it, why not get a cat?!

Technically my dog has been living with my Mum for the past 16 months, but I still see him nearly every day and walk him and brush him and pay for everything he needs etc. I'd be lost without him. I love him so much! I think pets are good company, especially for people struggling with MH, and maybe the responsibility will encourage you to take better care of yourself, idk?

Maybe you could try writing a pros and cons list?

*Willow*

I saw my community pdoc yesterday and he agreed with me that I don't need to be at rehab and can come home! So, he's going to tell the rehab pdoc that and either the rehab pdoc discharges me, or I go to my manager's panel on 18th and they discharge me, or I go to my tribunal on 25th and they discharge me. Either way, I'm going home soon!!!

*Willow*

So because of my anhedonia I get frustrated easily, which then turns to fear then anger, which leads to the darkside. My roommate told me that taking a benzo helps with this feeling. Well I took one just now. OMG, I feel so much better. This is dangerous. I've never used it to feel better (+1), but instead to find a baseline (0) calm. What I feel after I go without feeling any mental emotion for awhile is like manic anger, and it's physical, because I feel very uncomfortable and my stomach feels like its in a knot. Nothing pleases me, how can it. All I can feel are physical emotions and not mental emotions. I could see this getting addictive, me taking one every evening if I'm not careful. I'm prescribed to take two a day but I never get panic attacks anymore really.

They literally are "chill pills".

I didn't read the whole article, but it's the link my friend sent me yesterday.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/joeloliphin...MPLk#.xkYqvmD2

It has bee freezing at night and early in the morning. My cats steal my blankets.

I had a nightmare last night that I lost one of my cats, Kitten, in a flood. I was so sad and trying to find her, I was so happy when I woke up and realized it was a dream lol

Thanks for that, I found it really interesting. I spent some time working with a bariatric surgeon and it was really interesting. Obesity is so complicated and has such huge psychological consequences. The biggest I've ever been is a BMI of 25, which is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but I was so miserable because of the way I felt so out of control with the meds making me hungry all of the time. I feel so much better finally being back at my 'normal for me' BMI, so I can't even imagine what it must be like to be obese. The way society views it and treats overweight people is appalling. Anything that truly helps people, both physically and mentally, can only be a good thing, IMO.

Wrt your friend, maybe he's just scared of losing you? Maybe visiting you in that horrible place is upsetting for him too and makes him consider your mortality?? I'm not excusing the tactless way that he's gone about expressing his concerns over your weight, but maybe it is coming out of a place of caring, idk? I think you should talk to him about it

*Willow*

That is what scares me about benzos and why I avoid them like the plague. They make me feel completely 'normal'; the 'me' I used to be 10 years ago before whatever-this-is all started. And no side effects for me either! Who wouldn't want to feel like that all of the time?! So you take more of them, and then need more of them to get that effect - when they were drugging me up with them in the hospital because of severe lurasidone-induced akathisia, I started only needing 2mg/day to be able to cope, but 2 weeks later, I needed 10mgx2 a day for the same effect. In only two weeks!!! Considering the max dose is 10mg 3x day, that's some scary **** right there! What do you do when you're maxed out on the dose, or some Doc in their infinite wisdom decides to stop it cold turkey or dramatically drop the dose??! Well, you're SOL is the reality! People are still struggling with benzo withdrawal two years down the line from stopping!!!

So, yes, IMO they work wonderfully, but no thanks. Personally I don't think they're worth the risk, but, as ever, YMMV. Just inform yourself of the risks so you know what you could potentially be getting yourself in for

ETA: I forgot to put that I was taking diazepam. Just to clarify.

*Willow*

My pss thinks i shouldnt be in a relationship right now and if i am to not have sex yet and let things take their course.

Thank you, I may actually check that book out. I'm willing to change my relationship with them and any other hallucinations I have. I realize it's a heavy burden to continually view them as my enemy, when I have to live with their presence. (not even all the time, sometimes it is sporadic) This could mark a transformation point in my life since these events started happening.

I just got back from a nice long drive with my wife. We took turns driving. It was very calming. During this drive I realized a few things while talking with her. We were in the middle of nowhere, no one around...and I kept hearing voices. They went from a little girl talking incoherently, to a middle aged man, to a woman screaming. It was obvious they were auditory hallucinations, because there was no explainable source for them, and my wife did not hear them. It made me think...our apartment is in the middle of city center, and there's noise around all the time, including random voices. I would not be surprised if part of the voices I hear here are real, and part of them are hallucination. It's often hard to tell I am hallucinating until I'm in a quiet place where nothing else is around, and then it becomes obvious.

I also remembered something growing up...I remember asking my father if it was possible for my ears to *produce sound*, by vibrating on their own. He told me no. My wife was like "...it's questions like that that indicate you could have been dealing with this longer than you thought."

I was talking with someone here about negative symptoms as well...I didn't realize what they were until I looked them up. The memory problems, the poor hygiene, the emotional flatness, etc...all sound VERY familiar to me. Of course, how much of it is the meds, and how much is the illness, I don't know. But it makes me think...my other partner may have been on to something when she told me I may be on some schizo spectrum disorder. :/ All worth talking to the pdoc about next week.

It's refreshing to see someone learning in real time about their illness with such depth and clarity, and persistence. You're doing a great job fighting the shadow. Cheers! I look forward to learning more from your posts here!

I hope so It can have massive effects. One woman (diagnosed with BPD too incidentally) I told about it and who then incorporated it into her life went from 15 years in hospital on section to them considering release to supported accommodation, which is HUGE! I stopped going to that group, but I hope that she did manage to get out. She'd gone through so many meds and ECT to no benefit, yet one 20min conversation about changing her relationship with her voices 15yrs earlier could've meant that her life turned out very differently than it did. Such a shame...

Also, I've noticed you mention a "wife" and an "other partner" a few times now and I wanted to clarify. Do you mean business partner, ex-partner, or are you in a relationship with 2 people, or something else? Though feel free not to answer if you don't want to, but I'm just trying to understand your living situation.

*Willow*

There was no quotes here, were you referring to my last post, or someone else?

Wow! That is an awesome thing. I hope she was able to as well.

Oh, my wife and other partner are two separate people. I'm polyamrous. My other partner lives in the US, and my wife and I here in Finland.

Yes! I was referring to your enlightening post.

Thanks for clarifying. It must be tough having such a long distance relationship with one. My parents are doing long distance (but only 3 hrs drive away, not the other side of the world like you!) because of my being in hospital and it's very hard for them.

*Willow*

I've been feeling sick all day. Stomach pain and no appetite.

No problem! Yeah, the long distance can be tough at times. But our polyamorous relationship is what makes it bearable. We all have that freedom to make new connections with people, which is very freeing in a sense.

I hope you feel better soon, Cog.

I was having bad voices last night. I was thinking about my ex and they were saying "he cheated on you"

I had a tooth pulled out earlier today. I really need a cigarette but they said I have to wait 48 hours before smoking again.

The cat is terrorizing our Chihuahua and hearing her yelp and scream like she did because of the cat... makes me feel sad. Reminds me when my mom was with the rapist he'd beat on my dog. we ended up letting Boogieman stay at my grandmothers house across the street.

Do you have your vape you could use? Do what they say if you can. I always disobeyed and smoked, but at least I vape now instead. Try to avoid getting dry socket (although I don't remember now what exactly that is). I hope you'll feel better soon.

Took my meds. Took only 2 gabapentin.