[Itadakimasu]

Hi. I'm not sure if this is the right place to post, but I'll give it my best shot anyways. One thing, if anyone actually replies to this please don't say anything mean, because I get really nervous making posts in forums.

Lately I've been wondering about a voice in the back of my head. For about seven months he's been there, evolving from the occasional shut-up in reply to my thoughts, to a fully unique individual. For most of this time I figured that even if I didn't control or think what he said, the fact that he was inside my head made him my own voice. When I realized with full comprehension that I didn't have anything to do with any willing him into existance myself, I decided I needed to tell someone.

I'm currently in treatment for mild OCD, and anxiety problems. I've tried telling my therapist about this in the form of a written copy of one of our conversations [between me and him], but no one beleives me. Now that I'm sure that my T is in on the plot to make my life miserable, I don't know what to do. And so I am attempting to reach out here.

My parents have been attempting to poison my food lately. I can hear them whispering conversations in the other room about me when they don't know I'm there. In every conversation, every argument, there is no room to try and say anything of my own that matters too them. I always seem to need to change. Even they're compliments are fake. I've made it very clear about the things I need to do to keep my life a little bit organized and relaxing, and I am constantly denied. Once the anxiety came up as an issue to them, they've started blaming everything I do they don't like as being needed to change because it's "a part of something you need to work on with your OCD". They take everything personal I've ever told them and make it into a cryptic or hurtful remark later. I can see it in their eyes, the way they look at me. I don't trust them, I can't trust anyone.
Even my friends are in on it now.

It sort of seems like that voice, him, is the only person on my side. But he says terrible things to me. In the begining it was remarks about how I didn't deserve to exist, as such a terrible person. Then it was looking at the worthlesseness of others, and now plotting the demise of the world. And in-between all of this would be the cycle of him telling me that no one would care, or beleive me, and if they did, they would send me away to some instution because I was insane, to telling me why he existed, how it was fault, to reassuring me that he was always on my side and to never betray him by telling anyone. When he threatened to hurt me [physically], I was scared that he could actually do it. The worst part is, I was actually going along with these schemes, sort of enjoying the idea of hurting people in the future. I don't know what to do with myself, and all these thoughts inside my head.

I can't beleive I posted this. I hope that I won't regret it. Please, someone out there, tell me where to start.

Thank-you.

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
Hello Itadakimasu:
I'm hearing a few things in your post...

1: You seem to feel very much alone.
2: You seem to feel very much unsupported.
3: You seem to have tried to share what you need and have felt unheard in that expression.

What I know about OCD could probably be written up on the head of a pin. I know slightly more about "voice hearing". One thing I do know is that "voice hearing" is probably far more common than is realized and that it often arises in conjunction with stressful situations: "Between 70 and 90 cent of people who hear voices do so following traumatic events."

You noted that this voice began approximately 7 months ago. Although it's possible that this voice arose of its own accord, it's also possible that it's related to a specific incident or cluster of incidents that occurred at that time. Something I sometimes recommend to people is a timeline. You can sketch one out very easily and mark on it, what happened and when it happened. In doing so, you may discover a pattern of behavior or be able to better identify why you responded as you did, when you did.

You also note that you've tried to share this with your therapist and feel unheard in that regard as well. One possibility might be for you to print out your post as you've written it, take it with you to your next appointment, and pass it over to your therapist to read.

It also might be helpful for you to explore some different ways that you can solicit your parent's support. Sometimes, writing can be more effective than talking. This might be something that's helpful to discuss with your therapist as well.

Lastly, the quote I included above comes from an article titled, How I Tamed the Voices in My Head. I suggest you read it. You may also enjoy this one: Redefining Hearing Voices. This article may also be helpful to you: Hearing Voices Network.

And, that's a start for you.

[pachyderm]

I hope you can find someone who will listen to you, listen to you about the voices, and not try to "do" anything in any quick fashion to you to shut them up.

SOME therapists might do that. Many psychiatrists will not.

[motherofthree]

My daughter has the same things going on with her. She actually sees her voice after a time of only hearing him. He also is very mean to her and threatening. She has been diagnosed manic bi-polar but recently her doctor has pondered about changing her diagnosis to schizoaffective disorder. She has her days where she is also very paranoid about people talking about her and what not. All I can say we take it one day at a time with her. Nothing is more imortant than her well being and I hope your therapists act on your concerns as there are very important and can be very scary!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Itadakimasu]

Thanks everyone.

Well, I finally went ahead after a lot of thought and said something to my therapist, but she says that she doesn't think it's anything to worry about. iI guess I just don't have the courage to say it properly. I'll try your suggestion, spiritual emergency, and print out this post.

Your replies really mean a lot to me, everyone.....

so thank-you.

[I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm faking it, because I feel that I'm not really worthy of anybody's help....... sorry, anxiety...sorry!]

[pachyderm]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Itadakimasu said:
Thanks everyone.

Well, I finally went ahead after a lot of thought and said something to my therapist, but she says that she doesn't think it's anything to worry about.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

It may not be something to WORRY about. It may be something worth thinking and talking about.

I would definitely suggest telling your therapist in a more direct way about the voice you are hearing. I'm just a bit concerned for you that she only said, "don't worry about it." Is it possible she misunderstood what you told her? I think it's just really important that you get the proper care because it sounds like you are going through something really scary and you deserve to have someone validate this and help you to alleviate your pain. Are you currently seeing a psychiatrist in conjunction with your therapist? Please take care of yourself and let me know what happens.

[Itadakimasu]

No, I'm not seeing a psychiatrist. I did when my anxiety issues began [they came to light when I started worrying I was crazy], but he said that I didn't have any syptoms of psychosis. And since I have issues with medications in general [I'm terrified], there was no further point. in that direction.

I'm sort of down today.... my parents have been planting devices in my room [I hear them!], and deciding to swear at me when I confront them about it. I sort of feel like I'm drowning in my own inadequacy.

Sorry about the infrequent posting...

[Swedish]

Sound like you are psychotic to me. I am sure your parents are NOT bugging you. You have paranoia. I have suffered the same thing. Print out this post and give it to a shrink immidiatly.

Lots of love to you and get well soon!

[Lexi232]

I haven't been here to reply to your posts, but....
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
[I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm faking it, because I feel that I'm not really worthy of anybody's help....... sorry, anxiety...sorry!]

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know how that feels, and just because you made that statement without even reading more, I believe you. (because i've had lots of problems with even psychiatrists and counselours not believing me because i did not fit their views on what I was saying to be, was true... *shrugs*) But you ARE worthy people's help... That's what we're here for
And that's what the counselours and people are there for.. (granted some may just be in it for the money but a lot of them are there because they want to care.)
*big hugs*

[longnow]

This time last year I had several voices in my head. The many
voices became one voice and then he also disappeared never
(I hope) to return. Everything the voices said to me and everything
connected with "them" was part of my bubble. The bubble burst
and I hope yours does to.