Roll Call CIV (104)

Does anyone know why this is?

That sounds like exactly what you shouldn't do. You should take your meds and pursue the good people in your life, not your mom though.

It's like a restrictive action. Anorexia is like that too. The anger gets pointed at yourself, the more upset you get. Then you punish yourself for being such a bad person (the bad feelings, etc.) :Sadhug:

I had to ask for a prn. I took it about an hour ago, maybe more. And I do feel better now but this room is bad for me. If I ask for a change it will probably be even worse.

That makes sense.

Ive never ever thought of it that way before

It may increase your psychosis and none of us think we need the meds when psychotic......

You mean the depression increasing my psychosis. Which is why i dont think i need meds right now?

Do you really believe you don't need them? Or do you just not want to take them?

Yes...I know with sza the moods and psychosis don't have to pair but often they do....aside from that there is there whole wanting to do anything requires major effort...

Did you go to your museum or get Hulu today?

I'm smelling perfume in here. Not sure if it's just an hallucination. It smells like maybe Orange blossom cologne. They didn't bring me a snack again tonight.

Most of the time i believe i need them. But i just flat out dont want them. Its completely useless. The weight gain, the clingyness, the depression, the physical pains i get, how superficial i am on them, etc. all caused by the meds and MORE

I wonder why im like this. Its like i know i need them most the time but i just cant bring myself to do it. And the more i DONT take it the more i dont want it. Ugh. I probably am in some psychosis. Knowing me. Whenever i get depressed i just dont want them. I think about all the side effects and how superficial i am on meds and it makes me so sick. Im so sick of myself.

I think angelique is kinda right. I feel like maybe im not takkng them to kinda punish myself. To like show the world “look, me ON them is NOT who i am. I dont care about you. I CAN survive alone without this world. Without you.” Idk. Im so confused.

I didnt do any of that stuff

I took my meds

As much as i hate them im deathly scared to go off them...

voices are telling me that I'm going to die and my mom's going to die. I don't want to die... I don't want my mom to die. I'm scared.. I don't want to die. I want to be with my mom... I want my mom. She spoils me and I don't deserve her kindness but I want to be with my mom. I want my mom... please don't take her away like you did my grandmother.

Oh I used a template in Microsoft Office for the formatting and just used the headings to fill in the right information. Lots of resources online that’ll give you hints of how to word things.

I just spent five hours in the ER (not for myself though). Looong night all good now lol. Time for bed have to be up in... like five hours lol.

Good afternoon/morning everyone. How are things going?

I'm sorry your family is being a problem for you newtus. I understand the not wanting the meds too well. As it is I feel like all my symptoms aren't real or needing treatment...but maybe that's part delusion too.

Not a lot going on today. Gonna be crunching more numbers and plan making for the trip. Gonna contact some friends to see if I can set some dates up for meet ups while in the states. I want as few surprises as possible while on this trip. The only thing I worry about is the snow possibility. I will be buying travel insurance at some point just to be safe.

On the job front, I did get a call back yesterday.

They didn’t offer me the position I interviewed for.

... Because I was overqualified so they called and offered me the position higher than the one I interviewed for! I had applied for it as well, but they interviewed me for the lower position.

Turns out I beat out all the competition for the better position I didn’t interview for!!!!

I have some background check stuff to do and they’re calling my references today but they say it’s mine.

Edited. I thought it was for you.

I’m completely fine I was just there for moral support for the other person who was having trouble. Little tired now that’s all lol.

That's awesome cog! Congrats on getting the position!

I think it could be depression playing up too. We think that meds won't help us anyway why should we take them then.

Congrats Cog, you did great

Yeah I did not focus, lol

This places comes alive at 7am Eastern time. My cat slept on my chest for about a half hour just now, so I couldn't move. That's one of the few things I really enjoy. It's so calming.