Roll Call 112

Back from a 3 year old's birthday party. Did pretty good with kids all around.

Oh how I hope there will be smoke breaks tomorrow! There probably won't because it's too cold. I'm still taking hits off my cigar but it doesn't provide much vapor. Also I don't know if it has any nicotine. I feel very tired in my head suddenly.

Now I want Subway....it's open for another 3 hours. Maybe I will go.

Woke up at 4pm. The sun was setting.

My psychiatrist and i didn't get along well last visit. I told her i need a sleep aid and i didn't want ambien because i had unprotected sex the time i tried it. It turns you into a zombie. Apparently i was good in the sack as an ambien zombie though.

She tried to get me on a mood stabilizer, but i had the same problem when i was on one already! She is set on the paradigm that it's mania that makes me not feel sleepy. No, it's that i can't feel it because of brain damage from meds, just like i can't feel emotions. The absence of both occurred at the same time, She then tried to get me on an anti depressant for sleep. I was shocked after they caused me to have panic attacks for 3 years and then a bipolar episode for months afterwards. And i don't want to be numbed down even more. Then she suggested an antipsychotic, but after reaping the side effects from risperdone--**** no! I asked her if i could just take ibuprofen PM, and she said that it's Benadryl in that that causes the people to feel drowsy. She said I probably wont build a tolerance to it, so that's good news. So im taking Benadryl for sleep.

I'm sick of doctors trying to over medicate me. It's like they want a hammer when all i need is a tuning fork. Collecting leaves with a rake is great, but it's a terrible way to stir the soup. Can you imagine collecting the leaves with a soup ladle? They want to use antidepressants and antipsychotics for everything. This meeting didn't go well. I sense bad blood between us now.

She's good for general purposes, but she's not a specialist.

I drank again a little bit last night. I was afraid to go to sleep because I feared I would have night terrors while drinking and wake up in a screaming fit. So I talked about it with my friend and she said that it is alright. I trusted her and went to sleep... didnt have any night terrors. At least not that I known of. Told my friend that I was also hearing spirits and she asked me if I known the different between what's real and what's not. I honestly told her no. Every time I had woken up last night she kept asking me if I was alright.

I think it a situation where if all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail......

Hugs

I've run out of cigarettes so I've decided to quit as of now. I did vape for a while but it broke and I never replaced it. I've quit before and if I remember rightly it's the first few days that are the hardest.

Finished season two of Stranger Things. It was really good. My kids love it.

Hi hi hi hi hi

Hey newtus. How are ya?

Im ok. Had a pretty good day. Bf came over.

Awesome. Glad you had a good day with your bf.

Yea he switched off days. But ill have to worry about the next two days.

Door2015 wants to know if theres rages associated with PTSD and if there is any good treatments for it.

Rage as in mania, or rage because of the injustice that happened to one? The former i say take a benzo if you can, and watch some comedy, and long term treatment is a mood stabilizer. If the latter then I say a lot of therapy, and talking it through in detail, getting to know it by every angle seems to iron out the emotional kinks for many, then acceptance kind of happens at some point.

I'm drinking cold coffee at 1am. I feel disconnected and isolated from society. I need to find a way out of this grey mindset that I'm drowning in. Maybe it is my destiny to not be in psychosis, but to be crazy in general. Fate has chosen me to be the problematic one towards self. If something created me, I feel like a clone from creation. Something that is not real.

Disconnection. Like a TV losing signal is how I feel. The frustration of trying to move the antenna but finding nothing. Eventually you just give up and look at static.

A static reality.

This cabin fever..

I'm going to see what's on my bookshelf.

Edit: I should just cry.

I feel disconnected too. I am listening to music while smoking and hold an ice cube in one of my hand but still feeling disconnected from my own body. Sorry you’re crying

Morning,

to those in need.

Not long back into my flat. It was freezing when I first came in, 8C.

Bit warmer now though. Up to 17C.

Just had my first vape, almost 7 weeks since I last inhaled anything into my lungs. Result... a lot of coughing. Still, pleasant taste. I’m sure I’ll adjust to it soon enough. Might have something to do with having a cold too.

Just about to settle down and watch some Black Mirror.

Morning

Had coffee

Im not feeling well...

I think im severely OCD. I just read something on R-OCD. And i didnt realize what i called religious ocd was actually called Scrupulosity. It makes sense... when my thoughts start to go in circles about everything.

It just makes so much sense...

What i mean is i think im having OCD thoughts about my relationship. Not sure how i stumbled upon google about that but it makes sense because i deal with scrupulosity. And i deal with what i consider the most basic level of ocd. Which i mean just checking locks over and over and washing my hands a lot. Stuff like that. Its eating at me real bad.

I see my therapist and pss tomorrow tho.

Good morning. Slept terrible. It figures that I sleep ****** on the weekend.
Nothing going on today. It’s too cold to do much.
What’s everyone got going on today?

Hey valley how are you? Sorry you didnt sleep well.

Pretty good. How are you this morning?