Roll Call 112

I’m bored. The husband and son are shoveling out my father in law and my daughter is making chocolate covered pretzels. I’m just hanging out with the dogs. Watching some murder show.

Annabeth Gish who plays Reyes in the X-files liked my tweet!!!!! I said I wished Doggett and Reyes would appear again. In a secondary story line. Back when I was watching xfiles on Syfy I would have never expected that! I bought a fake FBI name badge for Monica Reyes from eBay.- twice, because the first one got lost. I'm a fan!

That reminds me I have some chocolate covered pretzels....they are awesome!

Those pizzas rock we had two of them last week when the weather kept us in.

What steps do you need to take to get out?

Yeah I shouldn’t be spending money. And I don’t need anything.

Stupid AG Sessions...

I keep forgetting to take my meds. You would think by now i wouldn't have to be reminded to take my meds everyday. If I'm not reminded I forget to take them.

So, my cousins 15 year old daughter is pregnant.

Morning

Had coffee. Put a pore mask on. Put an inkbox tattoo on. All in the middle of the night.

Anyone up?

Yeah. Going to work. I feel dead inside n

Im about to post something long but i need your guys thoughts on it.

Yesterday i showed bf a pic of my nephew playing with baby dolls. It turned into a debate because he said hes not gonna let his little boy (if he had one with me) play with barbies and girls toys because he doesnt want his boy to turn out gay because he would be upset. I got upset and started challenging him because i dont think a toddler or very young boy playing with barbies is gonna turn them gay. He doesnt think gay people are born gay. (I KINDA hold that belief too but then i kinda dont. Im on the fence on that because i dont understand it too well. All i know is i know god wouldnt approve).

Anyway, he talked about spanking our kids too. So after the heated discussion i said “so youre gonna beat our kids senseless and make sure they arent gay? What else are you gonna do?”. He took that as me saying he was gonna be a bad father. He said “i dont want to talk about this anymore. I dont like what you are insinuating and im starting to get angry”. And he got firm with me when he said that and i got really scared. I dont like when men (not even my dad) get firm with me or yell or anything. Im real scared of men even strangers passing me by. So i went to another room in my house. My room. And laid down. I got really scared. I got so scared it triggered something in me and i started to get anxious and paranoid. I started having an episode and started started tearing things off my wall. I was about to kick my wall in from anxiety.

An hour later i texted him from my room and asked him to bring me my meds. He did and i took them. But because they dont work immediately i kept having an episode and saying weird paranoid schizophrenic shyt about having demons in my body and i started praying on a rosary. I started saying sui stuff like “i dont belong in this world”. He was sitting at the edge of my bed the whole time telling me i was wrong and that people care about me. Then i kept saying stuff about our relationship and if hes serious about me and all this stuff about myself. Don’t remember exactly. Probably dont remember because i was having an episode. And he started crying real bad and said “i dont like hearing you say stuff like that about suicide and second-guessing my love for you. I dont want people to fear me. I wont get angry like that again. I was just being firm with you because the way you said all that stuff to me about beating our kids senseless. You could have worded it differently. My dad was beaten as a kid and homeless, and he was drunk when i was growing up and i told myself i wasnt ever going to be like how he was treated or how he treated me. I told myself since i was a boy i was gonna be a good father. Im sorry. I wont get angry with you again”. He thought i was breaking up with him again i think. Idk why. Idk why he always thinks im trying to break up with him???

He didnt yell at me or anything exactly but he got firm with me. But i also blame myself for how i talked to him. I dont respect people in general. But at the same time those things he was talking about (not the spanking. But not letting his son play with dolls because he will turn gay and hed be upset) made me kinda worried.

This is the first time something this major has happened between us. I strongly suspect more will happen since i can get kinda disrespectful with people especially when i dont agree with them.

Thoughts?

Im sorry thats so long.

Thoughts?

I don't agree with his beliefs but I can see where he is coming from and he handled that pretty maturely. My ex would of probably freaked out if I had done anything like that in front of him.

Talking it out and compromise

Thank you so so much erti for your thoughts. You dont know what that means to me.

I'm so happy my bf doesn't want kids. Even so I dont think we'd have much of a different opinion on how to raise them. One less thing to worry about if we ever do decide to get married.

TLDR

im much more of a broken person than i realized. By years of mental illness and my mom, and ive only ever covered it all up with alcohol and money.

You deserve happiness. Everyone deserves happiness. People put up with what they believe they deserve. If you believe you deserve to be unhappy than it's going to happen.

I guess i do believe i deserve to be unhappy. But i need to break that mindset. I want to be happy but its almost like im afraid to be happy because i see happiness as 100 percent satisfaction with life. And if im at 100 then all thats left is to go down and i feel like if im already down below then i can always go back up. But once youre at 100 you cant go any further up.

Newtus, I don't know about you but I find this article is so me. If you can relate then I can say more things about your relationship but if you cannot relate then I think it's a just a nice article to share here. Someone on PC reposted it and I like it a lot

This is article is written by Kathy Parker found on Elephant Journal

The woman who has been to hell and back is not easy to love.

Many have tried. Most have failed.

The weak need not attempt, for it will take more strength than you even know you possess; more patience, more resilience, more tenacity, more resolve. It requires a relentless love, one that is determined and not easily defeated.

For the woman who has been to hell and back will push you away. She will test you in her desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather her storm. Because she is unpredictable—at times a hurricane, a force of nature that rides on the fury of her suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet.

When she is the gentle rain that falls in time to her silent tears, love her.

When she is the thunder and lightning and ferocious winds that wreak havoc, love her harder.

She is a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even she will not know how to find the balance between the two. Because today, although she will never tell you, she will feel insecure. She will want you to stay close, to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her on her forehead and hold her in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow she will crave her independence, her space, her solitude.

For while you have slept, she has been awake, unable to slow her thoughts, watching clocks and chasing time, trying to make the broken pieces fit, to make sense of it all—of where and how she fits. She fights her demons and slays her dragons, afraid if she goes to sleep they will gain the upper hand, afraid if she goes to sleep she will no longer be in control. Tomorrow she will be tired, and your presence will smother her. She will need only herself.

When she reaches out to you, love her.

When she pushes you away, lover her harder.

New situations and places and people and experiences will make her anxious. She will be fiercely independent and long to overcome her fears, all the while as terrified as a small child alone in the big world. Sometimes she will need to be courageous, to prove to herself she has what it takes. Other times she will need you to take her hand and hold it firmly in yours. Sometimes she may not know what she needs, and you will need to read her like a book with worn pages and a tattered spine and be what she needs when she does not know herself.

When she is brave and steps into the world on her own, love her.

When she is scared, but refuses to take your hand, love her harder.

She will live in fear of not being enough and always being too much—an endless battle to find the middle ground. Ashamed if the scale falls one way or the other, ashamed to be herself for no one has ever loved her both when she is small and also when she is tremendous.

When she feels too much, love her.

When she feels not enough, love her harder.

Sometimes she won’t hurt and the light will shine from her eyes and her laughter will be a rare and precious melody. But sometimes she will hurt so much from the trauma still in her body; she will ache, she will feel pain and anguish. The light will grow dim and the music will fade.

When she is the light, love her.

When she is the darkness, love her harder.

She will always love you with caution, with one foot out the door. For she does not understand a love with no conditions, one that is powerful enough to withstand hard times. She cannot allow herself to fully trust in your love, and she will keep parts of her heart hidden—the parts that have been hurt the most, the parts she can’t risk being hurt again when she has worked so hard to stitch them together.

She will always watch, wait and expect you to leave first. And when you don’t, she has a truth written upon her heart that says you will—it’s only a matter of time, for everyone who loves her leaves her. And so she will seek to sabotage the relationship; she will seek to destroy it, she will seek to leave first, she will seek to hurt you before you can hurt her. This is how she stays in control, this is how she survives, how she will ensure she will not get hurt again.

When she wants to love you, love her.

When she wants to hurt you, love her harder.

Being out of control terrifies her. Don’t ever make her feel powerless, trapped or without her freedom. She needs to dance barefoot under enormous blue skies, to feel sand between her toes, to run with wolves as the wind weaves magic through her hair, for here is where her healing is found. Never clip her wings, for if she has the freedom to fly, she will always come back to you.

Love her when it’s easy, and love her harder when it’s not.

Love her in a way that will defy all she has ever known love to be.

Love her because you understand with every fiber of your soul the gift of her love, what it has cost her to offer you her fragile heart.

She does not need you. She has chosen you.

Because you have what it takes to survive the storm.

Because even when she doesn’t know how to love, you know how to love harder.

Written by Kathy Parker