Roll Call 125

working on my bullet journal for therapy

Morning

.........

Yesterday was rough for me

A bunch of people are talking to me this morning. Just as long as they're not pissed off. It's beautiful outside.

Has anyone tried niacin for the symptoms of psychosis?

Why?"........

I was sad yesterday and started feeling like i did when i was real sick a few years ago. I felt psychosis feelings. I got scared.

Im trying to get the bf to come over one of these days in the next 4 days cuz ima be alone. He said maybe he can but he cant promise anything. I hope he can.

I see. I know you love the bf but maybe it’s time to expand your social circle and look for new friends in the area? I think it’s hard when we rely too heavily on one person with limited availability.

I’m sorry you were feeling psychosis feelings

What’s going on with the Zoloft? Are you still taking it regularly and did you get an increase?

Did you ever get a new doc?

I still take the zoloft. I wont see the doc til 25th of this month. I see them every 3 months. Yea got a new one. Wont see them until then.

The only other people i know are people from group. Theres two problems with people from group.

One big one is that they arent mature for their age and have many problems and are VERY into themselves. Ive dealt with at least a dozen or more people from group that are in their 40s and above and have the maturity of a teenager. They have no job and no life. No car. They have nothing. Im not in a place like that in my life. Im trying to do something with my life. Im trying to start a family and a job/career. They are complacent in their lives with doing and having nothing. The ones that have lives (very very few. I can count on 1 hand) they dont want to deal with the others and they go about their lives moving on from the clinic.

Another thing about them is because this clinic is serving very low income/homeless/criminals, the people that goto that clinic are always moving on. You know? Like for example this one woman i made friends with was homeless. Now that she found a place to stay she has moved on from the clinic 50 miles away. So she no longer is apart of it. Some people end up back in jail. So people move across the country. These people dont have stable lives. I never see them again. Like my ex is in a group home now. Etc.

I thought i would have a job by now but ive been in this program for 5 months and nothing has come from it. If i find a job apart from this program i wont get the benefits of this program. They’ve offered to pay for my training/schooling as well as weekly therapy. If i leave now and find a job on my own i dont get any of that.

Can you meet people at coffee shops or stores....idk some people are good at starting convos there. Personally I’d try online....put in that you have a bf but are looking for platonic friends. You might even want to specify female. Or you could try meetups.

Ive tried going to a coffee shop every day for awhile. For 5 months. Nothing came from it.

Problem with meetup and people online is that i can never find anyone online in my 30 mile radius. This town and the next town is too small. This town has 700 people in it. The town next to me has only 200,000 people in it. I live in a country area. Theres really no one out here. Theres no meetups in this town or the next one. When i went on dating sites before i met the bf there was no one in my area. And these two towns have a huge older population.

Everyone and everything is in the dallas area. Which is way over an hour away from me.

Thats why im trying desperately to get a job and move out of here. Flucking nothing out here in the country. Flucking hate it here.

Texas is huge but absolutely no one lives in most of texas. Its very sparse with people. Everyone lives in either dallas, austin, or houston, or even San Antonio. No where else really. 75 percent or more of texas is rural.

I see...so two questions..how is the job counseling going...how is the plan to move out with the bf going?

regarding the job stuff, i just called my peer worker. She said this program is very drawn out. All they been doing past two months is calling me and talking to me about jobs. Like last week my counselor for the job stuff said write down 3 jobs i would like to have. Thats great and all but idk why im doing shyt like that. My peer support specialist told me to call the clinic’s job program and see what they can do for me. Problem is is that i think if i go away from this program im gonna be out of their system (because im doing it away from them).

As far as moving, its really all about money right now. The bf and i dont even have enough for first and last months rent. Let alone monthly rent/utilities/etc. we are both very very broke. I get 1,067 on disability and he gets 1400 a month from work. And our bills together make up about 1000 dollars. Hes thinking about finding another job cuz he cant live of his income. Well, neither can i!

I told my boss I can't come in today 2 and a half weeks ago and he has the new version to tell me he needs me to come in anyway. What an asshole.

probably getting hired at the community co-op here in their deli bakery

the interview went amazing. I did very well

she said she liked everything she heard

I heard her say to the other manager that interviewed me that she feels good about it

my roommate also works there and she texted me afterward and said the manager said I interviewed well and I'll probably get a position! '!

it's a lot closer to my house too.. $10/hr part time with raises and possible full time latwr on

20% discount and 50% discount on supplements!!!!

I know...I was shocked!

Just goes to show that you can have all the money and fame and go travelling but still be depressed and suicidal.

Today was a good day. Worked for a couple hours, went back to bed for a couple hours, went to the bank, went to McDonald’s, went to the pharmacy, and saw my guy and still made it home in time for my afternoon coffee.

I’m thinking of getting a masters in library science....that might be a nice job for me. Not 100% sure but it seems doable.

Idk what else to say that I'm doing good I guess. I have a habit of reporting here like every day. *edit* nah it's not like that lol.

I'm going to see how I do on 100mg Invega injection instead of 150mg. Scary but must be done.

I work in an hour and I like this job so I don't dread it.

told my boss I'm probably leaving for a new job

he seemed sad but oh well

This place is dead

I almost forgot to take my meds. Hopefully I didn’t take them too late. I mean, I don’t work tomorrow so I won’t have to worry about that if I’m crazy I just... would rather not be crazy tomorrow.