Roll Call 145

in cincinnati before i went psychotic and ran off i was doing 18 credit hours of school a week for the quarter and doing 18 more hours a week at a retail store. it was a nightmare.

Aphrodite speaks to me again.

spirits are telling me i can fly and to jump out my bed room window.

i just may jump off of something high or out my window and fly away to the heavens with the gods and goddesses.

You can’t fly they’re lying to you.

Feeling great today

I keep forgetting my laptop is touchscreen

i don't think they're lying. they have no reason to lie.

Humans can’t fly, but they can die trying.

I'm not human

Have a doctor confirm that before you do anything drastic.

Sorry to hear that junk.

I hope things are better for you soon

don't worry. i'm not going to do anything to hurt myself.

Those who wish to follow me
My ghetto gospel
I welcome with my hands
And the red sun sinks at last
Into the hills of gold
And peace to this young warrior
Without the sound of guns

i think i'm going to try and take a nap... haven't slept much at all here lately.

My snhu portal was activated but i got a “403 forbidden” message. Ill have to call them.

My t appointment last night was meh. Kind of a disappointment because the time before was awesome. I guess they can't all be awesome. I don't go back until April 15th so I was hoping it would be a good appointment. She really wasn't happy for me that I gave up SH for Lent. She was like, it sounds like you're just going to SH on Easter. She didn't get that a break was good. She wanted me to commit to more time after Easter, I was like, wow, let me get to Easter first. It's still like a month away. I feel pretty crap now. HUGS Kit

I called the technology help desk. They said since my account is new its gonna take 48 hours to clear the “403 forbidden” message. Apparently thats typical to get that when your account has just been activated.

Change of plans. Waiting till the fall to restart classes at my school. Going to be working on a resume and getting a part time job during this summer with the help of my case manager and supportive employment.

now that my mom's gone to work i can blast some music off my computer and drown out these spirits.



some trance for ya. :3

I'm going to try and tell my doctor everything today. I really need help. He will probably stop prescribing ADHD meds. I won't be able to focus. He might stop prescribing Ativan. I will have more panic attacks. I had a panic attack last night and it was a really bad one. I drank an energy drink today because I don't care anymore. I don't care if I have a panic attack because I'm sick of them. I'm completely retarded when I have a panic attack and all I can say is "I'm going to die" or "My heart is going to stop" even though it's beating completely fine or "I'm going to disappear and become God or see God" even though I don't believe in God.

I don't know what to say or what to do. I could have a panic attack today i don't know and I don't care. I just want to function but I still want to stop the injection because I forget what it's like without it and I just want to not be a zombie and have a good life. I'm struggling really bad and I took abuse from the soldiers on video chat and I kind of still believe what they're saying because I'm not sick etc.. but I am.. but the psychiatrists could be spies.. I don't know..

I hate everything

I believe I'm breaking down because of what the soldiers said to me that I shouldn't listen to doctors and take control of my life.

But I have empathy. I quit smoking because my mom told me to and I love her and don't want to hurt her with cigarettes harming myself.

The soldiers would just say "**** you I'm going to smoke anyways"

And they were drunk too

I'm going to say all these things because I'm not afraid to have another panic attack.

I'm not afraid

I'm not afraid

I'm not afraid

HUGS Desoxyn

Sorry about your therapist appointment Kit Stopping sh is difficult and I think it's great that you're giving it up for Lent, you're taking steps to recover and that's wonderful I think some people expect others to just quit doing things and commit to never doing something again and that's that. But it's very overwhelming to do that

Music has been very helpful for me getting through some stuff lately, it's wonderful