Roll Call 145

I think therapy can be effective for panic attacks, sometimes benzos and benzo withdrawal can actually make them worse.

I see my doctor on Thursday. Going to tell him about my obsessive thinking. It hasn’t been too bad last week or so. Been too sleepy, I guess.

Also going to mention what I think is some form of OCD. For years I’ve always done things according to certain number rules. Divisible by 2s or 5s. Even at work with my claim counts I do extra work to end up an a ‘right’ number. I do weird things. The number 5 is a big thing for me.

I’ve never really mentioned this kind of stuff to a doctor before. It doesn’t completely control my life but I get anxious if it’s not right. It bothers me lol.

Went to the doctor. Told him I'm stressed and every time I stop taking the seroquel, I get a panic attack so he told me to just keep taking my meds as prescribed cuz I took 4 vyvanse because i was stressed out about studying and needed to focus he says amphetamine works in low doses to calm people even though it's counter intuitive the drugs are gone though and I got refills for everything. I told my dad that I'm stressed and not to listen to the drunk soldiers and I want to go skiing tomorrow so I have to study and hand in an assignment by tomorrow about lemurs monkeys orangutans chimpanzees how the male carries the baby and they all have sex with eachother.

lmao... funny topic to cover. i recall watching a wildlife discovery show about how these monkeys would have sex with everyone of their family even the baby monkeys. it was a family past time. ha

I don't know when my next panic attack is. But I know I'll have one eventually.. I feel fine right now and any time I feel fine, no benzo. If I take one benzo more than twice a week then I will know that I will build tolerance and that would be bad. Day Tripper is tolerant to them and I wish I could help him but he can't sleep. I can sleep. The only thing that works for my panic attacks (Because they're so severe) is benzo or sleep. If I can somehow find a way to sleep, I will wake up fine because every time I wake up after sleeping, it's like I've taken a benzo.

I used to be the advocate for "Benzos are bad" but then I had a panic attack and I've never had a panic attack before at that time and it was so scary and I feared more then I had more. But now I'm able to realize that I'm not going to die when I have a panic attack so it's just apart of my life now that I put the weighted blanket over me and stare into space while not wanting people to see me like that although my family is very reassuring when I have a panic attack especially my dad and little sister. My mom got mad at me once when I had a panic attack because she needed to sleep and I was complaining about my heart beating fast but now I'm able to control my heart beat with my mind and make it not beat fast when I have a panic attack... it's just me being brain scrambled and not knowing where to put my phone, earbuds, smokes, laptop, etc.. like everything is foreign to me and I don't know what to do with "things" and OCD check my pulse to reassure me that my heart is still beating which sounds like insanity and I think it is..

we love you tweaky <3

My panic attacks have always been a result of building anxiety so they are more treatable and preventable. One of the things you can do is carry a card of calming techniques, like ten deep breaths etc. Supposedly if you breathe the right way it impossible to panic.

I hope i didnt scare liam away!

you didn't show your tits to him now did you?

Nooooooooooooo

i think you're good then lmao

Going to try to go to sleep soon. Have been up since 2:30am

I want to take benzo for peaceful relaxation. My mom wants to take benzo too and is resting because she can't sleep. I rested too but don't feel like sleeping. My mom drinks alcohol to relax. I can't drink alcohol I don't like it.

Benzo benzo benzo. Can't take oh no no no because of tolerance I'm a hoe to the benzo so

I feel like my anxiety is an alien type of anxiety. Like if an alien were to have a panic attack. It's not like "Oh no I'm stressed out" it's more like.. being high on marijuana..

In fact for me a panic attack is exactly like being high on marijuana ..

I'm listening to a sad song and it makes me WANT to feel sad. But I can't feel sad. I just feel annoyed about drunk soldiers. lol..

the internet is for porn

the internet is for porn

grab your **** and double click

for porn porn porn

Lmao the internet has so much porn and people pretend it doesn't exist XD Just sitting on their work comput.. well people watch porn at work so ..

lol rule 34 of the internet... if it exist there's porn of it.

I want to tell my doctor to tell my mom's doctor to take care of and fix my mom. I don't want her to die. She has leaky heart valve and long QT syndrome and she gets anxiety and is really stressed. She shouldn't be working so much and she can't sleep. I'm afraid that her heart is going to stop.

She takes her beta blocker after she's finished skiing and my sister and I tell her not to do that but she still does it.

I don't want my mom to die. My dad is going to die in a few years I bet and I'll grieve so hard. The only person that died on me was my grandfather cuz he had lung cancer and he never even smoked. I missed his funeral cuz I was in the psych ward.

Why must people die? Where do they go when they die? Why? Why? Why?

Life is so short and I take things for granted

i like to think the dead are luckier than the living.

I cant sleep

Oops didnt mean to do that

lol it's ok