Roll Call: 146

I'm surprise they didn't make you take a basic English course before taking more advance classes. When i was in college they MADE us take English classes before entering classes that we need towards our degree.

I see...

All they needed was high school grade 12 English. But I forget. I need more experience in school...

My goal is to get off of disability and have a career that I like which pays decent money...

But honestly I don't even know what I'm doing. I was dealt a bad card but it wasn't such a bad card.. I don't have PTSD from what has happened even though things really messed with my head.

This is the best time for me to be living in. 2019. I can read books, take in so much information and use it to my advantage.. just I need to figure out how to stop the negative symptoms and laying in bed. I don't know why I do that and can't just DO THINGS. Maybe I'm not inspired enough and need 2 be medicated more

But no no more medication.. I meditate sometimes..

The soldiers in my head say I'm not trying hard enough and never will and must dieeeeee

ignore those soldiers... they were trolling you. sometimes bad things happen to good people... doesn't mean they deserve it but it's a life lesson to empower us for our future for even more challenges until we die. life is a roller coaster. I didn't expect to be in the hospital again after a month but hell i guess that's what i get for listening to the spirits and cutting myself.

Hecate talks to me... the mother of darkness. mother of darkness, mother of light, earth beneath us soul and flight

Took vyvanse in the evening to do essay and shouldn't have so I took a benzo cuz panic

Taking my meds as prescribed is getting easier with time though..

Took seroquel.. I just think to myself when panicking, "What are you doing? What am i doing? What are you doing at this particular moment?"

Anxiety is worse than psychosis..

Not quite sure what to think about this conversation...

Celery Σ: And that is the most important thing but you especially need just the right person to help take care of you
Jessica: i can take care of myself... i just want someone who i can express my love to.
Celery Σ: You say that but you just told me you cut yourself. You have a disability and you need someone who understands how delicate you are.

Slept about 4 hours, seem to not need much sleep lately

Time to go buy ice cream since a good flavor is on sale!

I’m a crash course path to destruction I think....just thinking out loud and honestly....

I'm sorry i can't be of much help because i'm too in a bad place at the moment. Write your feelings down to pass time while in the hospital.

I’m sorry you’re in a bad place too. I hope that I don’t make it worse for you...

I can try. Maybe more letters to burn for the future. The crap that led me here anyway to begin with.

No not at all... I just worry about you that's all.

well get it out somehow... write a journal and don't read back on it and show it to your therapist. write a song/poetry... draw... paint... do something physical to get to pump out some adrenaline. something because keeping it inside is only going to make things worse.

Wow it is pouring. And thundering and lightning. Wish I could sleep. Good day for it.
Been up since 3. Fell asleep for a few minutes but my dog woke me up. Guess it’s just not meant to be today.

that smile, that laugh
as you sin in disgrace
the undeniable, the truth
it is unforgivable
to leave me in misery to pay the price
with your lies, your lies
your dirty little lies.

what am i to do? because i've sin too...
with your lack of remorse
and your lack of cause
that makes me
better than you

Because i'll rise above the abuse
with my tears and my scars too
I have love and faith
even with what you put me through
it's the truth it's the truth,
it's the mother ****ing truth

hahaha that's a terrible poem.. shows how good at this **** that I really am.

Mother of darkness, mother of light,
Earth beneath us soul in flight,
Songs of love and love of life
Guide us to our heart.

I wish someone else would get up. I’m quite bored

I'm not good enough? D:

It was pouring here as well, I've also been up since 3. guess I just don't require much sleep anymore

I need to stop fooling my "boyfriend"
why do I always hook up with drug addicts and tell them I love them when I don't?

I'm scared. Very very scared. Maybe if I had something to do I wouldn't worry so much. I liked the thunder this morning, waking up to rumbles of thunder and two cats at my feet was good.

Took a nap feel better now

Sorry you're struggling Spikes

I have 2 cats as well and they're very comforting

I'm not a bad person for gaining some weight I guess

My stepdad is gonna come pick me up in 40 minutes and im gonna go over to his and my moms place. I feel anxious as hell this morning. Don't want to be alone.

I’m so glad you have places to go.
I go to grams when I’m overwhelmed. Not to see anyone. Just to be in the fields surrounded by nature and what I imagine to be my moms younger spirit. I find comfort there.