Roll Call: 146

I have a bestest like that too, I like everything about her and one of the reasons is because she sucks at replying text, just like me. We reply to each other the next day/week. One conversation can take a month 😂

I feel good

I want to get drunk to celebrate but I can't

People were smoking weed in the car with me and it makes me want to smoke too.. But I can't

Hahaha. My girl is on point with her texts. At least a couple a week.
Me on the other hand...not so much. It sometimes takes me a week to respond. She just says “going through something...text me when you’re up to talking. Love you.”
I’m a lucky person to have her. 19 years now.
Funny cuz I did not like her when I met her. I was a total ***** to her for awhile.
She was having an affair with my sister who was a married mother of 3 at the time. Then she freaking moved in with them. It was like a bad soap opera.
But she’s awesome and totally won me over with her heart.
She’s the sister I was supposed to have.

Oh God. Laying down made me think too much. I can't stay in my room or I might have a panic attack. I might go for a walk and listen to podcasts but that could make it worse. I feel possibly psychotic.

Oh well. I'm alive at least. But what does alive even mean? Jeez I'm too philosophical. Idk how DT doesn't trip on his own thoughts.. literally.. cuz that means the same thing..

I want to be a musician

Edit: Maybe I could be THOUGHT MANIC.. Instead of mood manic..

What sense am I making? I'm making so much sense right now..

What is mood though? Certain types of thoughts? Feeling? Feeling pain or pleasure? Certain morals are different in different places in the world.. so happy music can be considered sad or happy and the opposite in other places.. so people can be considered to be happy.. people like pain (Masochism), or causing pain..

Wow I'm way out there.. Idk why this happens to me.. I didn't take any sort of drug.. THC atoms did get into my brain from the people smoking weed around me but that can't possibly have an effect.. unless it's microdose theory.. Which I don't believe.

Edit: Molecules.. not atoms.. But who cares?

Lol I told my mom that I feel high and she said "Why?" and I said "I don't know.. From skiing or something.. I have no idea" and she said "Maybe because it's a full moon! Go look outside it's beautiful".

So I went to look at the full moon and I then told my mom, "People saw me just staring at the full moon and I thought that was funny so I started laughing and they saw me laughing"

She laughed XD

I'm going to take half a seroquel (50mg) because I don't want to kill my mood like I do almost every night and wake up feeling tired as hell.

Morning!
I did not sleep well. My mind was going and I was stressed about work. Just could not settle down...it was after 1 by the time I finally stopped talking to my husband and tried to sleep again. Cannot wait until this week is over. It’s been a horrid wk at work and I’m over it.
Also wondering what fresh hell awaits me this morning.

Sorry you didn’t sleep well, hang in there, two more days then it’s weekend

Morning. Woke up to something unpleasant that drained my energy right away and to something pleasant. I’ll just ignore the unpleasant thing and focus on my little guy that just arrived in the mail today

Okay...sitting at my desk. Preparing to login. I’m sweating, my hands are shaking, my stomach is in knots, and my heart is pumping overtime .
Sucks that I’m just unable to respond appropriately to stress. I get that fight or flight and I do neither...I just get sick.
I brought my bottle of Ativan in the office with me just in case. Trying not to take one but idk.
Here goes nothing...

**** guys...I don’t think I can do it today. I’m on the verge of tears.

Sorry guys...I’m dumping on you
I just said this to @Findingreason

It started with my son getting in that fight and suspended, then I was worried about his surgery, my gram is failing and slowly becoming another part time job (better than the alternative), then I agreed to help my oldest niece get more visitation with the youngest. Now because I’m a glutton for punishment I’m hosting a dinner here for them Friday night.
Forgive me for saying this but my niece is really bad for my mental health. I love her like my own but she is her mother’s daughter...there is no doubt.
Calling Anne-Marie today to try for an appointment soon.

the Social Security Administration called a bit early. Interview went well, just basically asking me questions like "are you married" and "have you been convicted of a felony."

Idk why I was so worried lol

Glad it went well

Can you take a personal day?

Trying to convince my cousin that grooming Henry will be fun.
He is petrified of water. Last time I had him groomed we had to give him downers and then they tied him with two leads to keep him from bolting. Still took a double session to get him done. I hate to put him through it but it’s been like 2 years and he could use some freshening up.

I am taking the morning off as it is. I took meds and they are helping so as long as I’m still relatively chill I’ll do it.
If it’s still too much I’ll talk to my boss about tomorrow instead.

Morning

Fiance and i had a great day yesterday.

We really needed it.

Bad tornado weather today. All the schools are letting out early.

That scares me. I couldn’t live in an area prone to tornados.
I lived in FL for 4 months...in the time I saw 2 touchdown and came out of the halls basement to find that one had touched down ON the building we were in.
I feared the weather every day.

Im so stressed

I gotta find a way to either make more money before we move out or get a retail job or find a extremely cheap place to move, like some low income apartments or something.

Problem is the latter is extremely hard. Ive been looking even before we moved here, but restarting to look is crazy hard. Even in this cheap area.

Idk im thinking about starting a small business like selling my paintings on amazon or idk, maybe starting some small thing to like make extra revenue.

I have no idea what im gonna do but we gotta get out of this financial mess.

I just dont think or at least have enough belief in my self to work a typical job, with all the depression and anxiety i get, plus my energy.

I never thought that being “well” or dealing with what normal people deal with like depression anxiety would still limit me. But here i am. I thought after psychosis all my problems would go away.