Roll Call 151

I took a 2.5mg THC gummy and it helped quite a bit. I feel normal.

But I feel tired. Made coffee.

I've barely been on social media of any kind, and even on here, the past week.

I'm literally or was going through so much. I still kinda am. Especially if this job comes thru. I'm excited. I hope I get it.

Idk. I'm just stressed out.

Thanks I knew you’d be excited about it

Put myself to bed.
I’m bickering with my husband.
I may be a little in the wrong but man oh man he’s intentionally pushing my buttons.
I have a very low tolerance for stupidity. My husband asked me the same dumb *** **** 7 yes 7 times. I said “I don’t know” nicely the first 6...
Buuut the 7th time was like an assault on my brain and I snapped. Not mean but I spoke to him as he deserved at that point...like he was dense.
Needless to say there were several bad words said and now I’m in bed
I just can’t do it. I can’t deal tonight. Like dude seriously...how the **** do you expect me to answer that? It’s not even a legitimate ****ing question. No matter how many times you change up the words it’s the same unanswerable question....
Gaaaaaaaaaaah.

I need to find more inspirational people

DT knows a lot of inspirational people

I'm discharged from PHP, they said I'm welcome back if I ever want a clozaril trial.

I feel so bad. I have a migraine. I woke up with this. I feel nauseous because of it too.

Do you have a nice library near you? If you do then you might be able to try the Great Courses out. I grew up on them from 23 to 30. I think the online library for audio books and stuff is called Overdrive. You have to check whether your library uses it though. Overdrive could just be a US thing. If they don't have them online, they might have physical CD copies. I'd use iTunes to rip them and store as MP3's unless you want to bit torrent them, which is what I have always done, except for the good ones, i'd buy them full price WHEN ON SALE. The better ones can reach up to $250, but when on sale go down to $40 or $90. Not all professors are equal though, but there are a bunch of good ones. I've found that the Great courses are better than my own professors.

I honestly dont think I'll be completely ok until I found out if I got this job or not.

I think I'm at a low point today.

I feel disgusting and obese. I dont wanna shower or clean the house. I'm just a bundle of worries.

Doing my best to distract myself from the food cravings from seroquel. Drinking a lot of water and other distractions, games, journaling, art, etc.

I've been eating pretty healthy and drinking a ton of water

Hey guys. How’s it going?

I’m okay. Busy morning and I didn’t get home until 2:30. So not enough time to go grocery shopping. Blah. Now I have to run out tomorrow morning and do it.
Then we’re having a party for Gram’s 95th at my aunts. I do NOT want to go. My other other aunt and cousin will be there and I don’t care to spend time with them. I’ll have to play avoidance for 2 hours.
Can’t wait to go to the movies tonight. I’m already feeling nostalgic .
Watching Ted Bundy again. I need new shows.

The pets right now.

It had to be the Seroquel that made me throw up last week at this time. Nausea and vomiting are the side effects of coming down from it. I'll have to get incremental doses to get off it completely and just use it for a once in awhile extra kick for sleep.

I went to the Humane Society's website for pet adoption. There was a cat named Aristotle and Ainsworth lol. I was just curious. I'm pretty lonely so that's the reason I surfed it. okcupid isn't going as planned right now. I never got a response from the woman that's a poet. She was 5 years older than me so I guess that would make her a cougar. I like to be the prey! lol The pickings are pretty slim, maybe I should give Bumble a try. Is that more popular than okay cupid? okcupid has gotten worse I believe. They cut some of their best features.

I feel lethargic and run down.

Past 2 weeks with everything, I havent been eating well or taking care of myself or anything.

Thank you.

I am mesmerized by the Buddha statue.

The headache went away for a couple of hours. It's back again...

Advil....

CBD works as good as Advil too I've noticed =]

I just took pure acetaminophen and had a shower. I've noticed a lot of aspirin has caffeine in it. Which gives me anxiety nowadays. So I took pure acetaminophen.

I feel so agitated tonight I want to break something

I haven't slept a full night in nearly 3 months.

Feeling really run down from it all

Took 3-4 puffs from a joint. It feels interesting. No anxiety or paranoia. It's different from edibles.

Might go to town to buy a coffee energy drink.

woke up at 2, can't go back to sleep

I was talking to this millionaire online drug dealer. I was friends with him for a few years. He was a really smart aspie that will never be caught. But he's a good person. We helped each other with our addictions.

He told me about how he became successful (Before he started selling drugs). He said that he completely did everything opposite of his flaws and learned 50 different skills daily for ten years and worked really hard.

I haven't been using skills AT ALL when I was depressed. All I did was go deep into the suicidal realm, listen to rap, do drugs, e-*****, sleep, say "Why me" due to my environmental situation while on antipsychotics to kill any psychosis that was trying, as a product of what I was doing, to give me some creative way to get out of the horrible situation that I was in.

Now I listen to music and do low thought stuff and then do intellectually stimulating things when I feel like that is enough (When I never did that in the past). I feel like if I knew how to deal with my lack of inspiration and severe abuse that I've dealt with as a teenager, I would be an incredibly happy person. But right now I don't want to be too happy. I don't think I ever want to be happy for long periods of time. I want to FEEL emotion, be chill, respectful and feel, think, say and do the right things in the right situations.