Roll Call 151

I feel better now. Smoked a bit of weed.

Now I will refill my med box. Simple, meditative task to do.

Then I will listen to podcasts.

Will be nice if I can sleep tonight

I heard Russell brand has a new podcast out. It's about like conspiracies and like the deeper workings of the brain intertwined or something.

Cool yeah he was on the joe rogan experience and was talking about making his own podcast.

He's really spiritual after quitting all drugs like heroin and stuff.

Oh cool he already has like 90 podcasts.

He has a loooooottt of energy

I'm trying to increase my motivation and get inspiration by listening to podcasts and looking up what books I should read.

My creativity is dead. I feel anhedonic.

I’ll be honest. I haven’t taken my meds in three days. First I forgot one day then I got it in my head that I could do without them and wasn’t groggy in the morning and I felt great but today I started having those thoughts again about my image being stolen in the mirror and another world in the mirror and I try not to think about it but I can’t help but have these thoughts.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to take the meds anymore but the other part of me knows I have to get back on track.

So I phoned the pharmacy to ask if I could have my injection today because it has been 3 weeks but I have to wait 4 weeks which is why I was given olanzepine. So I took 5mg olanzepine and googled "Schizophrenia sucks" cuz my ****ing negative symptoms suck and maybe weed made everything slightly worse but it's mostly cuz it's the end of the injection. This all started yesterday when I started feeling intense dysphoria.

"Zyprexa has been found to be an extremely effective and fast acting mood stabilizer. It calms anxiety, agitation, and dysphoria within 20 to 30 minutes."

DYSPHORIA!

Hopefully you can get back into the routine of taking them.

It was hard but I took my meds. Hopefully this **** will go away and be better tomorrow.

I am a religion experiencing itself. People are obsessed with certain things, everything. What do I do? - One says. Anything.

Police go inside a building and the thieves go to the second floor, then the police go to the second floor while the thieves go to the third floor and so on until the top floor. In relation to smoking toad venom which is the most ego dissolving psychedelic, the ego is gone which is who you are, your personality, memories, everything. That is God. That's why they call 5-meo-dmt "The God molecule". Because it's the same as getting to the highest floor. And people come back saying that they were everything, nothing, then everything again.

Psychosis is like a struggle between this manifestation of mind. People are always putting each other down because someone is right, but delusional and wrong. Together is to better humanity. But there's evils. The devil, demons and all the bad things. But good is bad and bad is good. The paradox.

There will always be higher and richer people making the world a living hell for the poor. Destruction will happen in trying to make it perfect because there's such a variety of people. So the best thing to do is not think about it and live life. People will want more money when they already have too much. To create people with better genetics and make everyone intelligent and healthy means people will be the same and more people will live. People need to die or there's overpopulation. Unless it becomes a science fiction thing. Having machines make us food and we become lazy and gain weight, still have to exercise because we were created to do that for our food.

I'm trying to find something in this reality that is real to hold onto. But nothing is real.

So I get depressed. Because I keep looking at the big picture. If there was something I could do that I could find some meaning in, that would be great. But everything is meaningless because it's all the same which is tragic.

I think I might need a mood stabilizer. I've been in a complete mixed state (Agitated depression) for two days.

The benzos are kicking in. They might help. I know I can't take a benzo every day and so far I've been good at only taking one 1-2 times a week. Mostly I was using them for panic attacks and sleep but my panic attacks are gone.

Morning. Got about 6 hours of sleep. A lot Better than the previous night

Mood stabilizers are really helpful. Lithium was a disaster for me cause it put me in the ICU but Depakote worked really well for me, however I switched over to Trileptal due to weight gain and it has been extremely good for me with no side effects

I like my new haircut

Got some grocery shopping done too.

I feel like I'm getting sick

I got new glasses yesterday! I need to go for a haircut and re dye my hair soon...

I feel better this morning

Afternoon

I woke up at 11am. Initially at 7am but went back to sleep.

Some idiot on the bus was talking about ghost peppers and said he let a dog have a bite of one and "they tried to charge me with animal cruelty!" no ****ing duh, those are some of the hottest peppers in the world Jesus Christ people can barely handle taking a bite 😡

Yeah, duck that guy. Jeezy chreezy!

Poor dog

My cousin came to visit to bring my mom CBD.

She talks a lot. I like people who talk a lot. I'm gonna show her around town and the weed store. She was talking to me about weed because she works for a medical marijuana dispensary to do writing. She recently got her bachelors of science. She's answering all the questions that I have about marijuana.

Other than that, I'm feeling better than yesterday and the day before. My mixed state is mostly gone.

Ugh it’s official. I’m sick . Fever, chills, stuffy head, cough, faucet for a nose etc.
Been up since 4 so that’s not really helping.
I’m just miserable
Just watching teams scrolling the web. Nothing really to do and I’m incredibly bored. But Jesus doing anything is so freaking expensive.