Roll Call 151

Unless you’re in a canoe the odds of flipping are almost zero....

I guess he said we are going on a pontoon

Aren’t pontoons made for drinking? Lmao.

Usually people just go super slow on pontoons and they have these big floaty things that keep it afloat, it’s like a big square, I’m not sure it’s even physically possible to flip one....

I kinda have something to say about fiance and people like him, like my exes and other people out there.

Fiance spends all his free time playing video games and smoking pot. That's his deal. But he also doesnt spend a lot of time with me. He pouts if he has to lay with me and talk for even 5 minutes. Let alone 20 or 30 min. I offered to sit on the couch with him and talk last night (as I have many times) but he just wants to play video games. I cant even get him to goto the store with me let alone a trip. Whether it be to dallas or idk somewhere else much further.

That's not really what I'm wanting to talk about.

But, the fact that all he does before and after work, which is play video games and smoke.

I just thought about this.
Hes basically living a mindless and numb life. The video games are mindless and the pot is numbing. Now yes video games are mindless and it's cool if people out there play them from time to time. Maybe even a couple hours a day, but he play from morning til night. Or on his work days, morning and then night.

With all that above, it ties in because he seems like he doesnt care to experience the world in any way. He doesnt read, travel much, or meet new people, etc.

Its akin to having junk food every day. Its empty calories and unhealthy. A little junk food is fine but not 24/7 right? Well it's like video games. A little is fine but not 24/7. And it's like something healthy, like a healthy hobby, would be like my sisters husband. He does marathons. Not only is he getting fit, but he sees new places wherever he does a marathon, and he meets tons of people.

Its hobbies like that that I myself strive for. Not necessarily marathoning. But I love doing things to make memories, meet people, etc whatever to enrich my life everyday in new ways. Could be reading something new, or going to a new place in town, or talking to people. Whatever.

Idk I just thought of that and how fiance and I are different...

I have no idea honestly.

Fck. I typed a lot. I hope u guys read it. It concerns mental health and wellness too.

Basically, TLDR, having unhealthy hobbies is like feeding yourself crap food. Healthy hobbies in life exist, and they are better for u overall for a lasting and healthy life.

Let's hope!!!

So apparently they can be flipped albeit unlikely, but they still float due to the pontoons, so you just grab the boat if it flips.

Just found the guy I had a crush on in 3rd grade through 8th. Hes a middle school science teacher and coach now. And super buff.

Good morning.

Anxiety is good today so far. My grandma has to leave for a few hours for a work thing so im gonna be home all alone, not looking forward to that.

Man I have to be home like 10 hours a day when fiance goes to work. It's tough! I'm not minimizing your situation. I'm saying I know how it feels!

Your mental health is very good Newtus for writing this. You are a social person. Much aware of things and want more out of life. Don't be too hard on yourself right now even though you're going through a lot.

I find pot to be very numbing because when it wears off, I'm way more creative. I only take low dose edibles because it makes me want to exercise. I might take one now for my 5 hour hike today. Marijuana can cause amotivational syndrome which is like having negative symptoms of schizophrenia.

I gave up on playing video games because I can't just sit for hours a day and ignore all of my problems. I'm an achiever. I have to do things that will benefit my future. I'm lucky to have disability and not work so I have to do something with it like go to school. I feel like volunteering as well if I had a part time job. I have to constantly be doing things to battle my negative symptoms and train the muscles of my mind in my brain to get better. If I just do nothing, then my symptoms get much worse and I go into depression.

Hi guys. I had a T appointment yesterday. It went well. We talked about the SH and about the Hallucinations I think I can do that. I feel pretty good today but the innermost part of me feels a little panicky. IDK if something in T yesterday set off some terror, but I'm just noticing it on the very inside of me and it's a bit terrifying really. I like T though. She wore black flowers in her hair. I told her she's like Alice in Wonderland, which I meant as a compliment and she took as a complement. She told me a story of Mary coming to visit her when she was quite small. It was really neat. I never had that happen, though I'm pretty sure I had an angel come help me out when some guys tried to rob me once. Because they got this terror stricken look on their face and high tailed it out of there. It was bewildering but also kind of neat. I have a PCP appointment later which I'm a little worried about but I don't think that is what the panic feeling is about. I think it's just normal anxiety about the PCP appointment. T gave me a lot of good things to think about. And I see her next on Aug. 9th so that's not so far away. HUGS Kit

Cleaned my apartment

Paid the bills at work. That feels like an accomplishment. I had to will myself through them because there were so many. It's not even my money but I still find bill paying day stressful.

My eyes feel dark. IDK why. I don't know if I'm just tired or if there's something going on with me.

Grandparents are planning on an early supper tonight, which will screw up my schedule a bit.

I'm so anxious about the next few days. Tomorrow maintenance has to stop by, Saturday my friend is coming over, Sunday I have that mass then that brunch/celebration thing I was invited to by the nun who's retiring

Hey Kit, I'm glad things are going well with your T, and I hope the hallucinations and SH urges ease up

My pdoc is scaring me. I think she might have made a grave mistake in giving me an antidepressant like Remeron. I am scared to take it in case it triggers my bipolar symptoms like mania and rapid cycle like ssri's and snri's do. I called my pdoc and asked her if this is dangerous and all she said is that I'm on an antipsychotic and on Trileptal. However, I'm nowhere near the dosage I need to be on for the Trileptal to work (if it even does work.) I felt bipolar symptoms for years when an ssri sent me spiraling into bipolar rapid cycles. I need a second opinion to find out if im in danger of rapid cycling again.

I got the job!!!

What if you get your feeling back though? Can’t you just stop it if you start becoming manic? Won’t she be monitoring you?

F. Remeron can trigger mania and rapid cycling. I wont take it. It's not worth the risk.

The type of mania I get is manic anger and acute depression, like depression that makes me want to grab an ice pick and stab my eye out acute depression. This is the first mistake this doctor has made. I should have shut my mouth and just took the ancient anti psychotic, but it wouldn't work anyway im sure. This is a big set back. I have to--I must--show up for work every day without fail for the next month.