Roll Call 151

I still have cramps in my lower back (like menstrual cramps only in my back), and excruciating pain in my left leg whenever I stand or sit up. I really wish it would clear up already.

My friends and the conservator got me an appointment with the retina specialist! So that's good hopefully. I think I'm going to meet his friend next week. She is super nice.

It's like a velvet iron glove reached in and pushed me down in this place when I needed the specialist. They won't make appointments anymore with two different kinds of doctors for the same body part. They also switched to generic Advair.

I see my therapist at 1pm, having a family session with my grandparents, and then having individual time.

Plus I go to see the thyroid doc, finally.

busy day.

Hey Erti, if you are reading this, you are missed. Haven't seen you around in a while. HUGS Kit

I went to my doctor appointment yesterday (PCP). I was anxious. She makes me anxious. Probably because the first time I met her she sent me for a psych eval. Humph. She thinks I'm crazy I think. Anyway, most of my labs were good, blood pressure was good, kidneys were good, liver was good, I'm not pre-diabetic, but I have high bad cholesterol. My overall cholesterol is okay but the bad is too high. So she wants to put me on this medication. Only I got a text from my pharmacy saying it's not covered by my insurance. So then I called the doctor's office and she was like oh we have a woman for that so just let them handle it. It's probably going to be expensive because it's probably going to be tier 3 or hope to heaven not tier 4 if its not covered by insurance. Of course the woman wanted to do a pap smear but it's not a good time of the month for that so I was like maybe next time. Anyway, I have to go back in November for a follow up. What a crock. At least that's over with for now. HUGS Kit

Thanks everyone!

Sorry I forgot to say it because I was really tired yesterday but congrats newtus! You should be really proud of yourself

I'm finally getting a haircut! going to this weekend

I'm going to be so busy, I have 3 places I need to go tomorrow and laundry, haircut and grocery shopping Saturday, then that brunch thing on Sunday

I'm gonna definitely enjoy the rest of the days where I have absolutely nothing to do, before I start work, cuz I actually really did like sleeping in everyday for the past 10 years. #rip

I think everyone else is perfect because they handle everything well. I'm not. I don't. All I am is problems and a brain that doesn't work properly. As a child I was broken down and molded to conform. I now feel dysphoric on and off. I remember not wanting to exist at 10 years old but didn't really know what suicide was. Then I played the game of life and went numb two years later.

I trust people because I don't care if they screw me over. I'm not even potential. Just ****ed up emotions and no thoughts. I can be happy but really everyone expects me to think a certain way and continue to play the game. I'm not a real person. I don't want to hang around people that glorify their failures and poverty, drink and judge. Everyone else has it all together. They aren't tortured by demons like me. I feel like someone that isn't really me. I don't care enough about common things that people do. I can't stand talking about irrelevant things because everything is irrelevant.

There's no point in living like everyone else. I see no joy in how everything is always a problem caused by evil people. Humans are shallow and technology has ruined everything. Everyone is scared. People argue constantly over issues that will never be solved. The world will end. I can't stand who I am. I don't know what I want. I hate myself. Everything is not ok.

I go up and down. I break down once it all gets too much. I can't pay attention to detail because I don't want to. But I can, deeply and focus harder when I'm forced. Then I'm a product of the fear. A machine. They want me to be a machine. Everyone does. My step dad did. No one seems to understand that order doesn't exist. There's always rules that don't make sense. I'm not one of them. I would lead the world into truth if I was even able to take care of myself. But I don't care about myself.

It's like entities of certain emotions are ripping my mind apart and I'm tied to chains in a prison. I miss the calmness and crave the destruction. If I didn't have people that cared about me and knew what I knew now, I would have been in jail. I don't even care about revenge. It's not my thing.

I feel really happy , have things to be excited about. I also feel motivated, I've been cleaning a lot and keeping up with things I need to do 😃

Just got back from pdoc appointment that did not go well! I'm done with psychiatry!

What happened?

She didn't listen to me, at all. I told her I was overmedicated and my bloodwork showed that and she wouldn't lower my doses even though I'm completely miserable when I take my meds as prescribed.

Any chance you can see a different psychiatrist?

I went through hell just finding this woman and I am not going to put in that much effort just to find another pill pusher.

I feel trapped right now. I need to find a credit consular to get my life back to the way it was before my illness, financially speaking. I make okay money, I mean, for 2019 I suppose, even though wages have been so stagnant for the past 20 years. I do exactly what an ex coworker did 20 years ago and he made the same amount as I do now. That's crazy right? I should be making 1/3 more for sure. I guess I'm hurting so much b/c now I'm on payroll so I don't need to worry about taxes, which lightens the load when it comes to winter. Still, I'm skilled labor. I spent the entire day juggling ladders in the sun so everyone else can have an easy day.

I guess I shouldn't complain. I could start my own business... But the stress 24/7 from that I couldn't handle with my illness. I'd lose so much sleep. Case in point: carpenters laid a wood floor throughout the entire house. Then they called in the painters. My boss cut all the ceiling lines in the house. We came back the next day and there was blue tape throughout the house on the new wood floors. The wood floors were so cheap that our stool feet made an indent, it was like the flors were made of cottage cheese. He had to pay for almost all the wooden floors, and this was during winter. He couldn't blame anyone.

Finishing up Stranger Things, 2 more episodes left then I'm done

I had the best sleep in months, possibly ever, last night. I went to bed at 8:30pm (because I didn't sleep the night before.)

I upped my Trileptal from 600 to 1200mgs. My doc says up it until I get to 2,400mgs and see how I like it that high. It works based on weight. So I hope 2400 does it with few side effects.

I was considering not taking some of my night meds so I could stay up all night cause I'm feeling so good and don't want to sleep, but I'm going to be responsible and take them

What are your night meds?

be careful. I tried to skip night meds on the weekends and it turns out it was the absence of Seroquel that caused me to throw up.

Trileptal, clonidine, and seroquel

I haven't made a blog post in in like 38 days. Usually something gives me inspiration... Hm...

I’m so glad you slept 😀

I havent made a blog post either in a month. I've been so busy.