Roll Call 152

Hi Finding,

Sorry you're doing so badly. I don't know if you'll listen to me, but I don't think the doctors or nurses are out to get you. Did the meds ever help you in the past? If so, they may again.

Thanks...Idk. It’s really hard to trust them. I feel they will poison me and I will refuse the bad meds. So many do not work for me. But I can try...

I've been lurking mainly. But I feel the same way lol. I should post more.

I was wondering where you were Angelique, good to see you

I once called 911 on the hospital because I legit thought that they were poisoning my food and other things.

Think of the meds as what they really are (Antipsychotic medication). They do the exact opposite of LSD, shrooms, mescaline and DMT. Psychedelics can cause hallucinations, dissolving of free will, paranoia, psychosis and delusions.

Antipsychotics antagonize serotonin 2A receptors which decreases dopamine. Too much dopamine is in the temporal lobe (Hearing?) which causes voices. Dopamine can go into the back of the head and cause visual hallucinations.

Your prefrontal cortex malfunctions. Humans are the only known animal that can get schizophrenia because they have a prefrontal cortex. If you do a lobotomy and severe the front of the brain, you become a zombie. Antipsychotics can make you feel like a zombie but not at moderate doses which usually work for psychosis.

There's also spirituality that you can think about when you're not so scared.

I couldn't sleep last night and was going slightly psychotic but thankfully the Seroquel kicked in and I could go to sleep. I imagine things in my head and it just turns out into suicidal, homicidal, weird thoughts because I also have obsessional OCD and intrusive thoughts. It's the dissolving of free will. Free will is an illusion and animals don't think about what we're doing. But we do. We are the most advanced form of life and we think too much.

Remember, no one is in control. If you look at earth from a spaceship, you're just watching a bunch of monkeys fighting over different Gods and killing each other. Hippies doing psychedelics from love and the bad trip, coming from hate and repressed traumatic memories in the subconsciousness from what evil people did.

It's easy to be cynical, or think people are out to get you from environmental factors of what has happened to you and the thoughts that you think. Thoughts are hallucinations but you have to trust your thoughts. You don't trust your thoughts and you are lucid. Without the meds, you could lose insight.

My friend was here three days in a row! And he's coming back next weekend! He's throwing out the stuff we sorted from the storage space. It makes me nervous to think about.

I have gained a lot of weight, from drinking pop and eating lots of candy. He says I'm visibly fatter. Now that most of my pain is gone I can try going to the phys therapy room again.

My room is a whole different place since the first roommate was gone to the hospital (or so they said). It sounds mean but it feels free in here now. My second roommate has been talking almost non stop, too, so I think she feels the same way.

Got new juice and a battery charger yesterday. The juice is my customary 12mg nic but the kick it has is deadly. I'm not sure why. It's a thin juice, at least 50/50. Oh well. I want to go back and see everything myself. I only spoke on the phone about my order, while my friend was there.

Almost time for another vape. I'm almost dreading it lol.

I hope I'll remember to call my mom when I come in. Missed at least a week.

Thank you, Blue_Bird!!!

I guess so...I feel new meds will make the problem worse. I’m already messed up enough as it is. I’m drowning out the voices with music. I feel like I am watched at every turn and some stuff happened here that makes me think the nurses are malicious and evil as to what they did to another patient. Maybe I get too involved with other people. They say socializing is good. They prolly mean it on their terms. Idk. It’s all ****ed up. I feel I have good insight on the situation. And not sick.

*Replied to her on fb*

I feel so tired today

I'm sick of sleeping 12 hours a night

I took a 4 hour nap

My nap was around 2 hours.

I took a 4 hour nap earlier also

Also took a 4 hour nap, I wonder at what point it turns from napping to sleeping

I didnt do shyt today or yesterday, and I feel guilty about it.

My mom has cancer again this time in an ovary....she has to have chemo then surgery then chemo again.

Sorry to hear that. I hope they'll be able to get rid of it for good this time. *fingers crossed*

I'm so sorry sp

Will be praying

So sorry... That's awful news. Will keep her and you in my thoughts.

Sorry SP, will keep you in my thoughts

Sorry to hear SP I'm keeping you in my thoughts too

SP ((hugs)) Cancer only happens to good people it seems. I'm so sorry.

My grandpa just passed away just now. I got news from my mom who is in California right now.

Sorry for your loss Newtus

I'm so sorry... There really aren't words that could make it better. It takes time. I'll keep your family in my thoughts.