Roll Call 152

Good morning, my friend is coming over later

Finished reading the book and took a long walk

Desoxyn ~ When I quit smoking I had to use these remedies as I would chew the nicotine gum beyond the allowable limit, so my doctor refused to refill the presc. for me.

This is what I did: brushed my teeth with very cold water, when I felt the urge to smoke, I got up and changed what I was doing, chewed regular gum, drank icy cold drinks. There were other products I used, but would be prohibited from mentioning them here. Eventually the cravings went away, but it took several months. Hang in there, you are going thru alot right now with all the physical symptoms of withdrawals. One thing at a time.

Birdie

Morning

I think I may need to stop drinking coffee. I drank half a cup and I feel pretty anxious. So I took half a gabapentin. I think it's this geodon. Ever since I started geodon I cant seem to drink coffee anymore. Or alcohol either.

I would just have to die if I couldn't drink caffeine anymore...

I forgot I had decaf. Lol. Maybe I will make that tomorrow.

I'm shaking/tremoring.

I'm nervous today idk why. I feel like butterflies in my stomach. It started when I drank half a cup of coffee. My hands are shaking.

Yeah weird that I'm not able to drink alcohol anymore because of my invega injection I think. Like I'm not physically able to have more than 2-3 drinks.

I used to abuse the hell out of alcohol when I was 18 on the abilify injection.

I broke down in a corner and they wouldn't stop screaming for me. They said I would die if I didn't go to my room then they called me out. I started crying and two nurses showed as well a couple patients. They gave me some medication and I’m feeling better but still shaky. That was scary, it was real...

I feel better now. I guess the gabapentin worked. Everyone sang happy birthday to me and I got some presents. I will show u guys later on here and snap.

My birthday isnt til Tuesday but my mom is celebrating early for me. I will goto my dads on my actual birthday tho.

Had a great time with my friend

Some stuff my mom got me for my bday. Minus the shopping spree she took me on today at target.

Irritable, but here.

I'm so irritable and agitated.

Gonna buy some books for the kindle my mom got me for my bday, with the amazon card she gave me today!

I havent been updating my blog at all. I just dont have time.

Ready for bed, it's been a long day

I just been thinking...

No one at my job really knows anything about me. Idk if that's good or bad. Part of me is really scared to open up, but part of me wants to be humble.

They dont know I have schizoaffective disorder. They talk to me all the time about people with schizophrenia they encounter on the job. They talk about them with amazement. Only my boss knows about it. And maybe HR. No one knows I write books and sell them. Etc so much more stuff.

Like I said I'm kinda scared to open up, but I also wanna be humble. I dont want to brag.

Working at this place and hearing stories from my coworkers about all these people with schiz or other mental illnesses... I wonder if I'm truly schizoaffective. But then I home at the end of the day having hallucinations and dealing with paranoia and anxiety, from stress, and it reminds me I do.

I'm starting to get major anxiety before work now. I got it thursday and friday morning. And right now too, for tomorrow.

going to the food pantry tomorrow thankfully

The guy I work for gossiped about me to his friend, told his friend my diagnosis, and the grief over why I go see a psychologist, and then the other day that guy gave me my tax documents, and was so stupid he gave me only 2 out of the 4 sheets. I had to confront my boss, and my boss denied it. I told him that "This isn't up for debate., your friend took the papers from your wife, ruffled through though them, and handed me half the documents I was suppose to get."

Next time I came to work his wife had depression on her face from me confronting him with just cause. He had no right to have my papers with my SS number on them. I hope that guy feels awkward about me from now on because if he ever tries to get in my business I'm going to make it weird for everybody in the room.

There was no hiding my illness from work, because it effects my sleep so much. But one day a worker tried to patch a stress crack that was 5 ft long with an oil based putty. I gave a sigh and it couldn't be fixed because it wouldn't be dry enough to apply stress crack tape. Anyways, she mentioned to the new employee that "he needs his meds". Then he said it to me, and then she told him to be quiet, because that blew her cover.

Things are fine now, but if youre under stress, or low on sleep, people will target your illness and gossip. I let my roommate go through my dating profile, and she wanted to write the name of my book in my dating profile so that they'd see I was an author, but, god, I can only imagine what a potential date would say when they stumble across my blog, where much of my writing is, and see I'm schizoaffective.

"Yeah, Stephen, you're so courageous for coming out as a schizoaffective!" said no potential date ever. My therapist said to tell a girlfriend after 4 years, no biggie. but if they want kids, I have to tell them. I could give my own child schizophrenia, and that worries the **** out of me. I don't know if I could live with that.

I got 30 minutes into a Sopranos episode as my roommate's brother, who I think now lives with us, ate a bag of chips with his mouth open. I had to leave the room and join my sz friends here.

I feel like writing a lot. Because I have a lot to say. My mind is like asjfkafjka bfjksjf fjaf jkfjfk....

I'm trying to organize my thoughts. They are scrambled. I have so many things to do. The phenibut stopped working. I hate xanax cuz it makes me feel numb.

I need to organize my notes. I have hundreds of notes that I need to read and organize.

I'm not eating and want to research more about fasting, meditation, spirituality, philosophy... Addiction is complicated. This is what people with my personality do. They torture themselves by sacrificing pleasure for future. But also sacrificing future for pleasure by failing.

All my thoughts are scrambled eggs and meaningless. I feel like I don't have enough time to learn. I have so many things to do. Investing, podcasts, trying to learn skills, reading books..

I'm overwhelmed because I can't relax. I put pressure on myself. I want to make connections with family. I have to get a job. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and a therapy and psychiatrist soon after and I don't know what to say. What do I say? I need to talk with someone for a few days for them to know what's really going on inside my head.

That's interesting. My fiance when we were dating said I was courageous. But not that word. I think he said brave. Idk, this was 2 years ago. I was so very worried what he would think of me mental illness, because he is very normal. He said only problem mentally hes had is ADHD. But here we are, engaged...

It's like I was telling desoxyn...I seem to be so lucky in life. And it kinda scares me, because good things just keep happening every year, better and better things, and I'm wondering if god is maybe setting me up for something worse down the line. Idk.