Roll Call 155

That's so cool! Congrats!

I was talking to people on tinychat and they're saying to get a girlfriend and I said I'm asexual but might when I'm older and finished working on myself first. I just don't want to be in a relationship I'd rather be alone.

There's this person that has been giving me advice and he says I'm lost and need to find something like a passion or something worth dying and living for but I have no idea I've been depressed most of my life and see a pointlessness to a lot of things.

He said to stay away from religion but I don't need religion and I'm way passed that and idk.. I never saw the point of people dying for their country..

He said I could end up a serial killer but there's no way that I could be that. I love people and have my own basic passable morals more than most people. He was accusing me of thinking of hating women because I said that I'm asexual and I said that I'm not an incel that has been rejected by women. I just never wanted a boyfriend or girlfriend in the first place.

He said that I could easily end up being angry and that anger is bad. I don't get angry because I'm not lost.

I'm sick of people putting me into boxes and assuming things about me. I wasn't moving because I was anxious and he was judging my body language.

Am I actually lost? I know exactly who I am. I just don't like talking about sex because it's boring and that's a lot of what people seem to talk about.

I'm sick of people judging me because I don't want to have sex. I tried every drug and no one else does. I don't tell them to do that exact thing.

They wanted me to join a sports team like wtf? Why? That makes me anxious because it's pointless to me to do something that I don't want to do to make friends. I'd rather have no friends or find friends that do things that I do like.

I went to the community outreach centre when I moved here and didn't feel like doing any of the things that people do to socialize. They all seemed boring and childish.

Maybe I should just be cynical. Maybe life is just what I thought it was all along when I was diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder.. Life is a meaningless game to procreate and die. Not for me though. Maybe for most people that is all they see.

Well, Tapatalk locked me out of PC until I finally found my latest password and used my old copy of Tapatalk. I was given a new one after I spent a fortune on it but now it won't work. I wanted to reply to several posts but I wasn't logged in.

I hate when sites expect you to save your password through a period of years. Oh well.

My vape keeps giving me dry hits. The coil was the only one that worked well and now I've ruined it. I'll have to change it. Still don't know if my state will do any vape banning. I think I'd better ask my friend to order me more coils.

Finally typed out that letter I need for my college. Will just have to go to the library tomorrow to print it. I already have the letter needed from my therapist. So I'll just schedule an appointment with the lady I have to give the paperwork to and my case manager will bring me within the next week or so hopefully

Sorry you're struggling I'm glad you're going to PHP tomorrow, I hope it's helpful to you

Tomorrow I should call my therapist but I'm sure that she doesn't even want to talk to me

Soz I didnt mean that I'm just sick of video chat people prying at my identity. Idk why everyone does that.

I lack sleep though. Imma sleep soon. I hope I fall asleep cuz it's been 36 hours awake.

my bff's brother had a friend stay here for like 3 days. Started talking **** about me, my bff's brother and his wife and me. Said we didn't watch our children and started saying I half *** things when I clean. started *****ing about the dog and the children. *****ed about me and said I was stupid.

I'm ****ing sick and tired of being called "stupid"... either because of how slow I speak and how I stop and forget what I"m saying and my thoughts seem to completely go away and I don't remember what I"m saying.

I get that a lot. People have learned to be patient until I catch my train of thought.

They were particularly patient in the psych ward when I paused for about 10-15 seconds. They wanted to send me back to the inpatient unit but they took me off abilify and concerta and put me on invega and vyvanse

Apparently it's common for those with psychosis I guess.

There's a side to psychosis that isn't talked about called "Formal thought disorder". It has a huge amount of symptoms like..

Do you have any children?
yes
Boy or girl?
One is a girl
Do you have any boys?
One
What age is the girl?
15
What age is the boy?
18

(That's like pure negative symptom psychosis)

Instead of..

Do you have any children?
Yes. A boy and a girl.
What age are they?
My youngest daughter is 15 and my oldest son is 18

So antipsychotics seem to help with this

It happens to me on weed

I do that sometimes myself. Does psychosis make someone talk slow? Does schizophrenia make someone seem slower than they actually are? Can meds play a roll too? Though for me even before I started meds people have said things about it before.

I'm noooo expert but my theory is that schizophrenia can do both slow and the opposite (To the point where you're talking complete nonsense).

So basically if that is true, antipsychotics can lower the fast talking and balance the slow talking to normal or slow it down it even more.

People seem to enjoy weed for the internalization of speech to thought (So you have racing philosophical thoughts but can't talk because you're too anxious from the thoughts) or increase speech in a person that is comfortable not imagining what they are going to say before they speak (No filter).

Intelligent people plan out what they are doing before they make their move according to einstein (If I have x amount of days to complete something, I plan and wait until the last minute to decide) but intelligent people can also learn to have no filter as well.

That's why anxiety is correlated with intelligence but also uncertainty

Interesting. I've always been self-conscience about my intelligence ever since I flunk a grade in school because of my families negligence of me having lice and not going back to school until one or two weeks without going to school. Eventually it ended up missing 42 days of school because of my family.

Some of what I say could be the opposite because of the paradox. What ever is in reality is what is true (What a group of people in the tribe - Now called the world agree on)

The molecules made me stupid

A woman in the psych ward said to me "You're smart and quiet.. Try meth.. it will make you more like me" and I wanted to be more like her to fit in..

She should have just said psychs

I went on holidays and missed school and didn't learn about the chinese new year. I have no idea what it is. I don't care to know.

But I've learned over time to start caring about things that slip by.. Like learning to remember spellings and different words that I don't know the meaning to.

Some people are naturally born with this skill and for me it was so debilitating that it took over my life for everything that I did. It took psychedelics to bring me back to that child like state where what the world did to me after birth was erased.

Morning

Just bored this morning. Gonna be a boring day. Fiance had to goto work at 5am. So hes bern up since maybe 4am. So I know hes gonna come home and sleep the rest of the day. Oh well. I'm just waiting for tomorrow to goto the 2 story furniture mart and a halloween party.

Are you dressing up for the Halloween party?

No lol. I dont think anyone is. If anyone dresses up its probably gonna be the kids at the party. Its fiance's friends family party. Him and his friend have been friends since high school, and their parents are friends too. The friend and his sister altogether have like 6 or 7 kids. But there will be other people there too. They may bring their kids. Idk.

I did try to tell fiance to wear his dinosaur t-rex costume. Hes like "hell no. I'll look like a fool being the only adult dressed up". I just laughed and laughed.

I might buy some candy for Halloween if any kids trick or treat at the apt complex. But I asked my coworker if anyone comes by. She said she doesnt really know. My coworker lives in my complex.

My cat doesnt like me touching her beans or peets. I'm so sad.

Unless youve got outside access to your door I doubt you’ll get any trick or treaters I never have

Outside access? That sucks tho.

This past week went by so fast. I cant believe I'm moving next friday. I'm so ready. Im not asking my boss to come since fiances mom is coming to help.