Roll Call 157

Someone thought I had that until they realized I’m angry all the time.

I'm not angry all the time, I hardly ever am

My result when depress;

Type 9 - 12
Type 6 - 11.7
Type 7 - 9.4
Type 5 - 8.4
Type 4 - 8
Type 3 - 8
Type 2 - 6.7
Type 1 - 3
Type 8 - 1.3

Personality can morph within months of undeveloped mind

I didn’t think of myself as an extremely angry person at all until I learned that apparently I actually am. I thought I was often annoyed and irritated sure but not actually angry. But apparently what I think of as a normal disagreement comes across as me being full on “confrontational” and “aggressive”. I’m amazed that I lacked such basic self-awareness ...

Type 3s disintegrate into point 9 on the Enneagram when they’re not feeling well/stressed out.

I'm usually euphorically happy all the time but it's toned down a lot since being on meds, I miss it

**** my neighborhood and **** my neighbors. I HATE THEIR ****ING DOGS BARKING EVERY LATE AFTERNOON AND EVENING.

They all need to learn how to KEEP THEM QUIET OR I AM CALLING THE ****ING POLICE.

DO NOT ****ING TELL ME TO CALM DOWN THIS IS HAPPENING FOR HOURS EVERY DAY AND NIGHT. **** THIS.

I will ****ing go to their houses individually and warn them ONE MORE TIME before I call the police. They know it’s a problem. They damn ****ing well know it’s a problem. ****ing IDIOTS.

Rant over.

I'm never angry so when I don't take phenibut, I'm exactly like that but I REALIZE IT.. And it makes me say "What is wrong with me? I love everything... I guess now I never will without phenibut.."....

But honestly I was like an incomplete person before psych trips.. I didn't know what to feel.. You can be angry but you're ok with that.. I was apathetic and confused.. But JESUS SHOWED ME THE WAY.. no jk... The shamanistic spirits showed me...

They showed me how to rain dance... To dance under the waterfall... Dance in the rain..

Yeah, it’s so automatic for me I just never realized it. It’s my natural state of being. It makes me come across as extremely intense and apparently extremely intimidating as well. I’m not trying to scare people, because as I said I literally don’t realize I’m coming across that way.

I’m confused by other people at times but eh I figure it out eventually. Lol.

I always wonder what love means to other people, because everyone seems to define it so differently.

My psychoses have always been atypical ... weird grandiose delusions and I say weird because they never quite interrupted my life ... they fit into my life. Outgrowths of whatever I was doing at the time, it’s always been hard for me to know the difference between my high levels of self-confidence and self-esteem and when I’m a bit deluded ... it’s hard for other people to know, also. Like I said people will actually believe me when I’m on the delusional side ... for ****s sake. I never believe anything is actually wrong with me, nope. I believe it’s other people that have the problem.

Rain always seems spiritual to me for some reason. Maybe that’s odd but eh we all know I’m strange.

Not allowed to have certain scents around here cuz the women that did chemo can smell them.. It's like being really tired and sick and being sensitive to smells that will make you want to throw up..

I threw orange peels in the garbage upstairs idk if I should put them somewhere else.. My mom said that it's ok..

Just interesting thought of the day.

I’m usually pretty happy go lucky myself other than my low level irritation that people insist on calling “anger”. Like, I feel pretty damn good most of the time. Meds are a drag. Smh

Throwing up sucks. Oddly, I don’t have a very strong sense of smell. Hell, I swear I’m under sensitive to pretty much everything.

I think I asked you this before but how long/how much benzos did you take throughout your life? I think you said you don't know... I don't remember.

Xanax and alcohol makes GABA-A receptors slow and agitation free, GHB (Xyrem (Narcolepsy drug to have deep REM sleep) or DateRDrug) and Phenibut makes GABA-B receptors feel good..

Baclofen is chlorinated phenibut. It also works on GABA-B receptors and is really good for alcohol withdrawal DT's.

GABA-B receptors feel better than GABA-A ones because they have a high empathy component to them. That's why they call the DateRDrug "Liquid ecstasy".. Long term benzo use could maybe contribute to the opposite in withdrawal idk..

Just being at my moms compassion house for cancer patients is NOT the best time to lower phenibut and NOT have empathy..

Low doses for most of the time I was on them (it was long term for only one of them if I recall correctly, which I'm off of entirely now and I'm tapering off the one that was short term by comparison), the dose got increased at a certain point to a stupidly high dosage but I was able to cut that down pretty quickly. I haven't had any serious withdrawal effects besides the physical crap. (Insomnia and headaches.)

I've never been a sensitive person, physically or emotionally, before these meds ever entered the picture. It's just how I am, though I got in trouble a lot when I was a child because of that lack of sensitivity. I didn't understand that most people are very sensitive in ways that I'm not. I had to learn how to be mindful of other people and well I'm still learning.

I don't know why they kept me on the benzos for long, it was stupid of them. The worst side effect I had was memory loss. Thankfully I'm just about off of them entirely now. I feel alive again.

It's like the universe sets me up for these types of situations..

I identify with empathy. But you make me realize that it's ok to feel the way I normally feel with a little irritableness etc but I think you've built a character and morals on top of that with life experience so you're able to feel good so I think for me going blindly into that state is s bad thing.

I'm gonna make egos with syrup on the morning

My Dad just texted me and was like you want pizza tonight? Umm. Yeah!

I dont think I'm as stressed out about the future as most people.. I'm thinking of taking small nap, then watching a bit of s podcast and then reading..

It doesnt have to be this and this and this.. just to think about the moment and the day that I'm living in, the moment that is important.. I dont think people think as "out there" as me.. like into space.. black holes, the maps of the world and cities, economy, billions of stupid people walking around everywhere.. well they're not stupid but like just little people walking buying fruits and vegetables, driving around in mopeheads..

Idk.. I think too much.. but it's a lot simpler than my mi d makes it out to be..

What kind of situations?

I wonder what it all means in those subtle complexities and nuances to have character and morals, I tend to get told that I have those things more often than not lately ... which is amazing because I didn’t realize it. I got told at a certain point in my life after a series of regrettable personal decisions that I lacked morals and had a rotten character. I don’t know what changed but, I’m glad it did.

Empathy is a powerful thing, nobody wants to say it but ... high levels of empathy is actually not a common trait to have.

Egos with syrup.

Hahahahaha oh man that’s the best!

The way people come into my life or certain conversations happen right after I've been doing or thinking about those same things. It seems to happen a lot. Like the way I make good impressions on like everyone I meet because I know what they're talking about just by luck of thinking about those things within that week. Maybe things just gravitate towards it because I talk about myself a lot? Idk.. lmao..

Something about morals is like... In a certain aspect, you're taught them by your parents.. even if they're good parents, good morals. Bad parents, still can be good morals.. fear for your life, make careful decisions, then it's a habit and you don't think about it anymore so the fear is gone.. then you tell other people these things.. well idk they're not really morals but behaviours.. I learned a lot of this in anthropology but I forget a lot of it.. I remember my cousin said that she doesn't even remember whole classes even though they were written down on paper.. she did so many classes so I'm fine.. idk.. anyways,

Type 8s have morals.. They look people like me in the eye and say "I see into ur soul.." and I'm like "No you don't... noooo.." and then type 8 says "I was just kidding lol, boo..".

The aspies and hippies (From psychedelic use) have the most empathy!

Also Williams Syndrome (Opposite of autism) - "Infants with Williams syndrome make normal and frequent eye contact, and young children with Williams will often approach and hug strangers. People affected by Williams syndrome typically have high empathy, and are rarely observed displaying aggression."

(MDMA)