Roll Call 157

I get shy sometimes...

Hey, good to see you again. Yeah I disappeared for awhile didn’t I ... life got in the way of me being around regularly.

I wrote this two weeks ago;

"2-3 research things (Paradox code matrix thing (The gods reality thing that no one knows about let alone can explain), specific genetic research and possible theoretical and controversial cure for schizophrenia), researching investing (Investing news, day trading specifically, scotia bank trade - Talk to investing group in Discord, cryptocurrency, stock market), writing songs, prose poems, guitar and piano - synth on computer, exercise (Winter - Skiing, gym, Summer - Hiking, mountain biking), talking to friends (And coffee connections - Autistic savant guy anonymously - Make more connections with cool people like this), research cancer and chemo drugs, working job, reading paper books (Being able to write my own thoughts and experiences - Look up books on internet to put on phone - Western Esotericism books, science fiction, short stories), online college courses or in town (Cryptography, philosophy) , watch more netflix - Comedy to relax, etc), manage money, youtube on personality and other videos - (Buddhism, increasing IQ, exercise mind to know everything for better judgement on stock market, podcasts (Possibly making own podcast in the future - Listen to more variety of podcasts), meditation (Alan watts philosophy - terence mckenna psychonaut), learning to draw, watch news, travelling the world in the future (Learn about different countries - Learn a new language or many), learn about addiction, psychedelic therapy and pharmacology, conspiracies, creativity, different careers, how to make money online by writing, selling things, coding (Making apps), hacking, scamming, nutrition and preventative medicine (3 day water fast)"

But there's MORE. I write things like this all the time. But I don't do them. Right now I want to read. But I want to make sure that it's the most important thing. I spend so much time worrying about what important things I should be doing that I don't do anything. I'll spend 3 minutes doing one thing, read a paragraph of something, do something else, make some coffee, use the washroom, go to the store, research something for 4 minutes, etc..

It's literally hell. I'm getting nothing done. I played guitar for 5 minutes yesterday but said I'll do it later and then did something else.

Life does that. I'm seeing it for myself with my own stuff. I actually like not spending lots of time on my phone but I have fomo sometimes. Well, a lot.

If I'm this messy I should just say screw it and become an artist.

But I'm scared of the future.

It seems to me like your issue isn’t so much about doing things in and of itself, but being able to concentrate on those things. It seems task completion is the problem here, I wonder what would help you with this ...

I love your list by the way.

This sounds like adhd to me...have you ever had some cognitive training from a professional? The meds can only do so much.

Yeah I get it. Life has that effect.

I think my phone felt left out for awhile lol I was really busy I didn’t have time for much else.

Methylphenidate helped me focus but dextroamphetamine doesn't really. 2 pills does kind of but methylphenidate is bad for the heart.

I need a better alternative. Maybe I'm .. well i can't say depressed.. something else.. Like aren't I just really excited all the time about everything?

Idk.. also worried that I'm not doing enough.. Enneagram 3... (Look it up) one sec i'll copy and paste..

"Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement. They are diplomatic and poised, but can also be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with workaholism and competitiveness. At their Best: self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be—role models who inspire others."

But I'll figure it out.. By meditating for 90 seconds then worrying that I'm not doing something important lmao

My therapist has bad ADHD. But Idk if she can help me because she doesn't seem to have it all together herself.. She could give me coping mechanisms..

But maybe adhd is worse because of antipsychotics?

People smoke weed to help their ADHD.. I wish I could do that. I met two people (Crazzzy bad ADHD) and they smoke weed to focus.

Weed makes me dysphoric and anhedonic. Idk if someone with adhd can watch a movie (At home) and finish it. I can't. I never can.

Stimulants don't really help. Without them, I'm too tired to have adhd though.

And I think it's something worse than adhd.. something to do with the antipsychotic.. so i need to lower...

Ok I'll stop writing and calm cuz I'm being annoying.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t even have adhd before antipsychotics....fish oil got rid of that but I know you’re on fish oil already.

I think the fish oil really helped to make me a bit less impulsive.

The Abilify made me so impulsive like a gambler.

I hate this about myself.. Maybe my IQ died (lol no jk idk)

I feel like the posts on here should be more and faster so people forget my posts.

My posts out of frustration aren't really meaningful.

But I'm calm now cuz it helps to talk about it.

Edit: Ok my mom made a salad.. I'll be back when this all blows over...

Introverted ADHD..

Depressed

Apathy or sadness type?

Christmas is in 2 weeks.

This is one thing I can’t relate to. I’ve never been an anxious person. I wonder what the difference is. Any “paranoid ideation” I’ve had has been in relation to the grandiosity that’s always dominated my psychotic episodes, and I disagree that it’s true paranoia because I don’t seem to ever feel afraid, anxious, at all fearful of anything, etc. I’ve always been oddly functional, too. As ****ed up as I can be mentally, I still get my **** together and can work and all of that. Stable? Hell no. Functional? Hell yes. It’s weird.

Apathy. Don't feel exited about anything. Just lay there staring at the wall,

Even at my worst through all my crap ups and downs and psychotic I’ve always been able to get up, have a shower, and go to work. The psychiatrist doesn’t want to stick certain labels on me because I’m ‘too high functioning’.

I’m an Enneagram 8. To the surprise of ... no one who knows what the **** Enneagram is and has seen me around here for long ... lol. 3s are great, love them.

That’s been me too. I had to actually put way too much pressure and force on them to acknowledge that I did in fact have a problem after a certain point just to get treatment. I didn’t care about what the label was just as long as I got treatment, I was just sick of being told I was too oh so very high functioning and too oh so very intelligent to be having an actual problem at the time. What complete ****ing BS.

Sorry to hear that.