Roll Call 157

2-3 research things (Paradox code matrix thing, specific genetic research and possible theoretical cure for schizophrenia), researching investing (Investing news, day trading specifically, scotia bank trade - Talk to investing group in Discord, cryptocurrency, stock market), writing songs, prose poems, guitar and piano - synth on computer, exercise (Winter - Skiing, gym, Summer - Hiking, mountain biking), talking to friends (And coffee connections - Autistic savant guy anonymously - Make more connections with cool people like this), research cancer and chemo drugs, working job, reading paper books (Being able to write my own thoughts and experiences - Look up books on internet to put on phone - Western Esotericism books, science fiction, short stories), watch more netflix - Comedy to relax, etc), manage money, youtube on personality and other videos - (Buddhism, increasing IQ, exercise mind to know everything for better judgement on stock market, podcasts (Possibly making own podcast in the future - Listen to more variety of podcasts), meditation (Alan watts philosophy - terence mckenna psychonaut), learning to draw, watch news, travelling the world in the future (Learn about different countries - Learn a new language or many), learn about addiction, psychedelic therapy and pharmacology, conspiracies, creativity, different careers, how to make money online by writing, selling things, coding, hacking, scamming, etc etc etc….

How can I do this with ADHD

Is it hard for you to focus on one thing at a time?

Yeah cuz I'm not disciplined

I feel apathetic today. Could be the weed.

Edit: But I feel sad because of my horrific dangerous past 5 years and before that I just had no life no friends no fun, manipulated, broken, confused, hopeless, apathetic, anxious, afraid, etc

Eh what's the point of everything?

Stayed up all night playing Story of Seasons with my sister.

Stardew Valley’s publisher has upcoming game that inspired by Harry Potter, Harvest Moon, and Studio Ghibli. Must be fun I can’t wait.

Stardew Valley Publisher Talks Spellbound, Its Upcoming Wizard Game

O...m...g

OMG I'm a fan of all those things, that's amazing, can't wait!!!

I'm so so so down for that. Totally preordering that! Thanks for the info! Post it in video games thread!

Me and bb are totally on board! Wheres sp?!

No no no, don’t tell SP, she’ll disappear again lol 😂

Would it be a good idea to talk to your dad, ask his opinion of what things you should focus at the moment and ask him to keep checking on the progression of those things?

Things are a little better now that the little kids are gone. The baby isnt a huge deal, its the 5 year old. Ugh. Man shes bad.

I heard Nick’s nieces playing in the background when I called him. O boi. It makes me question my dream of having kids lol. They scream when they’re happy they scream when they’re sad. Sounds like an alarm without the snooze button 😂

Omg yes. I was questioning having kids today too. I still want them. I dont want to raise them like fiances niece was raised. No dad. No discipline. Etc.

Yeah good parenting will teach them discipline. Hopefully mine would be as calm as their dad, not unstable like me 😂

@Desoxyn
I find that for me, consciousness is like a great body of water. disturbance or pollution distort and disorder it. Are you ever able to find silence or are thoughts racing across it at an inconceivable rate?

If racing thoughts are always occurring, are you able to direct those thoughts, like one aims and arrow, and try to land upon the mark?, only then to aim it at the center of where it landed upon, trying to refocus it each time it lands.

What kind of effect does something like Ritalin give you? I know it's popular among the popular college students right before exams, especially with engineering and math.

I'm so tired. It was a good day. Waiting for my sister to call now

Signing out for today. Have a good night ahead everyone ❤️

Good night @12AM

I think of my thoughts like arrows that shoot in all directions from my head (Even from the back of my head) in combination with many pictures that do the same. The thoughts can actually BE pictures (Like an Afghan desert with the sand blowing with mountain goats, camels and shamans which gives me a feeling - An encrypted "thought") - (Then I start thinking about shamans for example..).

But I'd be sitting here in my room, wondering what's happening in the kitchen (How is my mom cooking the chicken?) - I can picture it in my mind and have a map of the whole town and everywhere I've been to, people walking, cars driving.. I think about where my dad is (In Mexico) and I see a map of southern US (California) and a map of Mexico and pools and an underground mine (Because he's a mining consultant). Then I have feelings in relation to all these pictures - I think about the past and crying when he left to go abroad to work or have pictures of the fireflies by the pool in Guatemala (Because he used to work there) and my grandmother was there so I start thinking about her and have a picture of her kitchen - Then I think about all the things I say on Facebook and the feelings of her and how all the feelings of her regrets are starting to get to her now that she's old.

I could go on writing for ever and ever.

Then there's thoughts about my meds, the house I used to live in, the feelings of depression and agitation so I start thinking about the psych ward.. (Ok I'll stop now but you get the point..)

I think I mostly think in pictures idk.

Then there's things that I SEE in real life and what I'm focusing on. I honestly am more entertained by the pictures in my head (ADHD and imagination - Autism? Idk). Paranoia can be a certain feeling of a sort of anxiety where my thoughts are stronger and the pictures are weaker.. idk..

With Vyvanse, if I take two, I'd be sitting on my phone and yknow how I said my thoughts shoot from all directions in my head? With two Vyvanses, it all narrows down to what I SEE and the thoughts shoot in directions from my eyes to what I see and I can then focus and things are processed faster because I have more dopamine which provides enough stimulation to not want to get stimulation from "daydreaming" and go off into a tangent of thought and picture hell.

I'm on Vyvanse right now but just one. One Vyvanse provides a happy medium (I'm supposed to take one).

And I think that's why Vyvanse can cause psychosis in anyone that takes too much. Antipsychotics are different and lessen everything in the brain so all thoughts and pictures are diminished but the opposite of antipsychotics (Psychedelics) cause more pictures and thoughts which manifest themselves as visual and auditory hallucinations (Which is why they're called "Hallucinogens").. People with autism, ADHD and/or schizophrenia are creative.. Depression is "Lack of serotonin" and psychedelics are serotonin analogues so it's like increasing serotonin which makes you feel "Happy" because you have many pictures..

Anyways I'm feeling less apathetic cuz the weed wore off. The weed is another story for another day XD

My Invega injection is tomorrow (It's been 27 days) which is why I feel really creative I think. That's why I want to lower the dose even more but not too much (To prevent possible psychosis - Negative symptoms causing less thought - Cuz I mostly complained about negative symptoms idk)..

I imagine if we are really humans but our thoughts come from somewhere else and we just say they come from our brains because we have eyes and can see around us and we are inside bodies and we could possibly program our bodies into robots connected to virtual reality - Or we're transmitted through alien computers from another dimension. Any object could be anything.

But don't listen to me it's all psychotic stuff about reality but U and I? We are the same. On antipsychotics to stop this type of thinking .. But do we misinterpret it with the flaws of language? Using letters;

Language is;
- Syntax (The rules that allow us to assemble words into phrases and sentences)
- Morphology (The rules that allow us to assemble bits of words like prefixes and suffixes into complex words)
- Phenology (The rules that allow us to combine vowels and continents into complex words)

I learned this in the anthropology class.

It's all symbols and nonsense.

But what is a thought?? I heard about that being a good philosophy question.